Dancing On Ice

Apologies & Jealousy

Austin's POV

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After talking to Alan, I began my long trek to my first period. I couldn't help but let my mind wander again. The painful image of seeing Kellin cry in front of me and then run away flashed in my mind. Those eyes, they'd been so sad. I sighed and continued walking, trying to not think about it. But I couldn't help but feel bad about it. As if I could have helped him, made him stop crying at least, or maybe just let him cry and hold him-hold the fuck up. What? I couldn't hold him, he was my friend. I didn't like him. I mean, I'd told Alan that.

Psh, but what was the big deal? Me and Alan weren't together. If I liked Kellin, then Alan had no right to get upset. But he would, because he was my Kitty, and I knew how he was. I ran a frustrated hand through my hair. I didn't want to hurt him, because he didn't deserve to ever be hurt. Especially by me.

But I didn't like Kellin! We were just...friends? I'd only known him for a few days, was he really a friend? But, I did really like his eyes, and his laugh, oh, and his smile...fuck!

I had a crush on Kellin.

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"Hey, how was being chewed out by Alan?" Tino asked me jokingly as we both took our seat next to each other in math. I glared at him playfully.

"Shut up." I told him playfully. He rolled his eyes.

"You know it wasn't even that bad. Alan can't stay mad at you if he wanted to." Tino told me, taking out his notebook and pen.

"That's true." I noted quietly, almost to myself. Tino raised an eyebrow at me. Alan and Tino were my best friends, hands down. They both knew when I was thinking about something really hard, and that usually wasn't a very good thing. I snapped my head up and looked at him.

"Oh, nothing. Just wondering what's for lunch, I'm hungry." I lied. Tino looked at me with a straight face.

"Aus, it's only eight in the morning. How the fuck, are you hungry?" He asked me. I shrugged, sheepishly. "Why not just tell me the truth, are you thinking 'bout your mom?"

"No. I don't think about her anymore." I hissed at him. I dropped my head onto my cold, fake wooden, desk. "I just wanna go home."

"C'mon dude, just suffer through this class. Next class you have P.E, right?" He asked me. I nodded against my desk, not lifting my head.

"Okay then." He patted my back, reassuringly. The bell rang and our lesson began, but I didn't pay one ounce of attention. Mostly because all I could think about was that I'd see Alan and Kellin both in a few hours, in English, and would have to talk like nothing had happened between any of us.

I liked P.E. It was freeing. I loved when we had our baseball unit, because I'd always loved baseball. It was one of those passions of mine that would never go away, even if I never got to pursue it. The only downside to P.E, was the fact that we had to change. I wasn't okay with that. Every time I had P.E, I'd run to class, as fast as I could, to get there early enough to change before anyone else came into the locker room. No one had ever seen me change in all my years of P.E. And that wasn't going to change. It wasn't that I was self-conscious, I just didn't want people to see and start wondering. I didn't need people to think that I wasn't a happy and carefree person, because I was. I just forced my happiness more than other people did.

I was changed before Jesse had walked into the locker room. Jesse was always early, he hated being late. He smiled at me, seeing as I was changed already and just sitting on the bench closest to my locker.

"Hey, Jesse." I said to him. He went over to his locker, which was a row away from mine.

"Hey, Aus, still not changing in front of people I see." He joked to me. I laughed a little.

"Yep. Still being punctual, I see." I joked back. I could hear his locker open and clothes falling to the floor.

"Yepper pepper." He chuckled at his own silliness. "Hey, who's in your group for Mrs. Patters' class?"

"Alan and Kellin. What about you?"

"Justin and Jack." I could hear the eye roll in his voice. "Those two are never serious, especially when they work together."

"Well, at least you know it won't be boring working with them."

"Yeah, but it'll be hard to get them to be serious about it and actually do work." There was an approaching of people, the sound of various conversations getting louder. I sighed in relief, beyond happy to know that I was changed before all those people had shown up. It would've been awful if they'd seen me change.

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I wasn't all sweaty after P.E like I usually was, because we were starting a new unit and basically had to sit through a boring documentary about our next unit, soccer. I sat in my seat, giving Alan a kind smile as I passed him on my way to my seat. Kellin was in his seat, doodling on his notebook again. I tapped his arm lightly. He looked up at me with a weak smile playing on his lips.

"Hey, Austin. Um, can I talk to you after class?" He asked me. I raised an eyebrow at him.

"Okay. Is it about something bad?" I asked him. He shrugged.

"I dunno. But I think we need to talk." He dropped his head a little. "Go sit down, Austin. We'll talk later." I didn't argue with him and slumped into my seat. What did we need to talk about? I could feel my hands sweating and my head fill with all sorts of possibilities. I hadn't done anything wrong to Kellin, we were still on good terms. Oh no, he was dying from some sort of disease. No, he was in the witness protection program. No! He wasn't even a boy! My mind was concocting all these weird theories to satisfy itself, but none of the theories were good ones. None were normal, like, hey, maybe Kells just wants to talk?

After class, I took my time gathering my things and shoving them back into my bag. Alan came over to me, he leaned against my desk lightly.

"So, what are you and Kellin gonna discuss?" Alan asked me, I could hear the hurt in his voice. I sighed.

"I dunno. He didn't say. Alan, it's okay. Okay?" I told him. Alan shook his head.

"No, it's not. You have no idea how much it's not." Alan shut his eyes tightly and took a deep breath. "You'd better not fucking cancel on me, Carlile." With that, he left the room. Kellin came over to me and pulled my by the wrist, lightly, out of the classroom. He let go of my hand and led me away from everyone else. When we were far enough and almost on the football field, I opened my mouth to speak.

"Austin, I'm sorry." Kellin said to me, before I could utter a word.

"Um, what for?" I asked him, a bit caught off guard. He bit his bottom lip nervously.

"For crying in front of you this morning. Listen, I'm fine, and you don't have to worry about me, alright?" He explained. I frowned slightly at him.

"You said you hated yourself, Kellin. I'm not going to ignore that fact." I told him. He sighed.

"Fine, you can worry about. I wouldn't. Because, there's no purpose in it." He told me. I looked at him, completely lost with what he was saying.

"Are you dying?" I asked him stupidly, the words tumbling past my lips before I could stop them. He looked up at me, humor in his eyes and a smug grin on his face.

"Yes, Austin. I am dying. Every single day I get closer to it." He joked to me.

"That was a stupid question, wasn't it?"

"You said it was stupid, not me." He laughed. I glanced around, realizing there was no way we'd be able to make it to English on time.

"Wait, you dragged me out here, just to apologize?" I asked him. His eyes widened a little but he shrugged.

"Eh. Did you want to go to English?" He asked me. He sat down on the grass beneath us.

"Not really. Are you suggesting we skip?" I asked him. He looked up at me, the sun catching his eyes and making them brighter.

"Yeah, c'mon, sit down with me." He patted the grass next to him. I shook my head at him but sat down anyway. He looked at me, our eyes meeting. "So, what's up?"