Behind the Mask

Chapter 14: Forgotten

Chapter 14: Hollow

Why? Why? Why? Why are so many thoughts swirling in my head? Why did I do it? Who did I do it for? Was it for me? No, no that’s not it. Or is it really? (sigh) To many thoughts, decisions, and path ways to choose. Did I do for Cameron? Or maybe I did it to infuriate my mother. Or maybe I didn’t do it for anybody at all. Well no one in particular exactly. Maybe I made the choices I did to prove to, well damn now I am just back where I started.

After all these supposed culprits keep hitting me in the face, how am I ever supposed to figure out the real reason for my misgivings? It seems as if my thoughts can keep dwelling on the same subject forever, extending into a murky future of uncertainty.

Do I regret any of the things I did? Not a damn one, but then again maybe I do? Great, here comes back that ‘maybe’. Do I regret getting myself into that situation with Cameron? Very much so, but the biggest question is do I regret what happened with James? Now that was one thought provoking question. I did then didn’t all in one big rolled up rug of chaos.

But then there is another major question weighing on my shoulders. What do I do next? Where do I go? How do I go about figure out my answers? TO MANY QUESTONS!!! My brain hurts after all of this. But then shouldn’t my head hurt? I have a quite a bit weighing me down like a rock in an ocean.

 I didn’t know what to do. I was at a complete loss. I feel as if a piece of me was stolen yesterday, ripped away. I just pulled the covers up to my chin. My eyes had long ago dried out. I could no longer cry. I had no tears to make.

Sleeping was fitful and futile. So I just laid awake letting every single thing I had been pushing away come to the surface. I didn’t want to go to school but there was only two more days.

And those two days aren’t even whole days because of finals. But those few hours would seem like days. But at least it wasn’t regular class which precluded talking and socialization. I just didn’t have the energy anymore to put back on that mask I had been wearing for so long.

At first that mask was light and carefree. Now it carried so much baggage it was ridiculous.  I threw off my covers and collected the blanket from the end of my bed. Wrapping it around myself I went to the window seat that protruded from my room.

I pulled my knees to my chest leaning against the icy glass. I gaze mindlessly out the window; snow gently fell from the sky. The snowflakes light up under street lights. No one had yet to drive on the fresh snow giving everything an untouched look.

It was so peaceful, nothing was wrong or bad. It seemed like the perfect place to be, were nothing went wrong, and you were never hurt, never felt the pain of loss or heartbreak. It was the perfect elsewhere.

I sighed I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go, but I had to get out of this house. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was too claustrophobic. Getting up I quickly pulled on some clothes. I grabbed my helmet and keys and scribbled a note to my mother.

 Dear Mom,

I had to get out. I might explain later but right now I need to think and the house isn’t the place to do it. I will see you when I get home from school.

                                                                  Love Isabel

After that I bolted, pulling on my coat I pulled on my helmet and kicked off releasing the clutch. The little engine felt like a good roar in my ears. Giving me something to listen to, rather than my own thoughts.

I didn’t want to think about James and what I had given him. In some ways I regret it. But I was truly happy in those moments. And I wouldn’t take them back for anything in the world. But each time I remember those happy fluttery feels my heart just hearts even more.