Who Am I?

Chapter Ten:

Things have been going pretty well with Jake, even though I feel like he's been distancing himself a bit. On the other hand, I feel like I'm losing Dean. School has gotten pretty intense lately. There are so many papers due and tests coming up, not to mention the musical that Dean and I are preforming in is in less than a week. I feel as if I'm falling into a deep trench of work. I talk to Jake every night until like 1:30 am and I try and get work done in between texts with him. I don't want to be rude to him, but I do really need to focus on my work and keep my grades above failing.

Also, Scott keeps talking to me on Skype and I know that I don't have to respond, but I feel bad and unless I respond, he'll just keep on messaging me. I want to tell Jake about this, but I'm nervous about what will happen if I do.

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It's Tuesday morning. Homeroom first period. I have decided that I am going to tell Jake about Scott at the end of homeroom. 

"Good Morning class!" Mr. Able yells, trying to get his students to settle down and listen to him.

This is going to be a long first thirty minutes of school.

DING DING DING

Finally!

I walk towards Jake who is talking to some of his friends. I notice that he's talking to Bionca. Ew. I told him that she was a bitch. Why is he talking to her?

"Jake! Can I talk to you for a minute?" I ask, gently tugging on his arm.

"Allie! I'm talking to someone. Wait a minute!" he says, raising his voice at me.

He has never raised his voice at me before. Where is this coming from? I feel like I want to cry. I hate Bionca for rubbing her bitchiness off on him.

I storm off, out of the classroom and catch up with Megan to tell her what happened.

"What's his problem? Why was he being so mean to you?" she asks.

"I have no idea, but if I can read his 'little friend' " I say, glancing at my crotch..."then I would say that there's something up between the two of them."

"You think he's cheating?" she asks with a surprised tone in her voice.

"Well, I don't think he's cheating, but something tells me he likes her. I don't even know why. She has so much dandruff, and her hands are all dry and her lips are always cracked and bleeding. She isn't attractive at all. I don't know what he could possibly see in her. It's not even like she's nice." I state.

"Hey Allie!"

I turn around to see Jake following me down the hallway. I decide to ignore him.

~~~~~~

Jake: We need to talk

Allie: Uh oh

Jake: Yeah, very very uh oh. You're not gonna like what I have to say

Allie: ...?

Jake: I think it's time we go our separate ways

Allie: Why?

Jake: There are a lot of reasons, but the main one is school work.

Allie: Okay, I understand that. Do you think we could ever get back together though?

I think I want to cry. This is so depressing. I really care about him and now he's dumping me on my ass and I bet it's because Bionca is his new crush. Ew. I wipe a tear from my cheek.

Jake: Sorry.

Allie:I gotta go

For the first time in forever, I feel as if I cannot control my tears and sadness. I climb into my bed and pull the covers over my head. How could I not see this coming?

This overwhelming dark sadness falls upon me and I realize that I am violently shaking, tears pouring out of my face. I can't take this feeling anymore. I feel lost and alone. Jake was the only person who made me happy. He made me feel accepted and now he's gone. I hate myself. I'm fat and weird and ugly. I want to die. I find myself searching my room for something sharp. Some kind of release to take away the pain. I want to die. I can't do this anymore. I find a pair of kids safety scissors. The irony. I run my thumb along the blade. It's cold and calming. I pull back my sleeve and place the blade against the side of my wrist. I can't control myself anymore. This is it. I slice deep, causing myself to wince at the sting. Quickly, beads of crimson blood surface from beneath my skin. I cry even harder, feeling guilty about what I have just done. I grab a tissue and dab at the tender skin. A tear falls from my cheek onto my arm.

I grab my phone and text Jessica.

Allie: I just cut myself. on purpose.

Jessica: Baby, why? Did you tell Jake?

Allie: no. I cut cuz he just broke up with me.

Jessica: why?

Allie: he claims that our relationship is making him have bad grades.

Jessica::( I'm coming over in five

Allie: Okay, don't say anything to my parents though. I'll tell them later. I'm in my bed. Just come upstairs.

Jessica: Okay. I'll be there soon.

Allie: Thanks boo

~~~~~~~

"Allie?" Jessica asks, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"What?" I say, peeking over the covers.

"Come here..." Jessica says, wrapping me in her arms.