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Suddenly another thought enters my mind. It is small, but it is there. Just as I am about to breathe in the water, I get a small glimmer of hope that on day will have the chance to love him again. I sit upright in the tub. I can’t let Bionca win. If I give up now, she will win. This will not happen, I will not let her have her request for me to die be fulfilled. She told me to die, and I will live.
I unplug the drain, allowing the bloody water to leave the tub. I watch the last bit of water swirl around once before falling into the drain.
Turning on the shower, I promise myself another thing. I will not let myself be so hurt by the fact that Jake and Bionca are dating. I warned him about her. He decided not to listen, and if I’m really right about her, he will find out exactly why I told him that she’s bad news.
I scrub myself clean. Clean of sadness, clean of depression. I want to survive this. I don’t want to be vulnerable anymore. It’s not fair to me. I never did anything to deserve this. And who knows, maybe things will turn out differently than how they are right now. Maybe Jake will realize how much of a jerk Bionca is. Maybe he will miss me. I don’t know. I do know, that I still love him though. And that love must be strong, since it stopped me from doing something I can never fix.
I get out of the shower, and dry off. My leg stings and I remember the deep wounds that I created just minutes ago. Dabbing them dry, I apply some Neosporin and band aids. Slipping on my favorite pair of pajamas, I realize how much grief I would have caused if I followed through with drowning myself.
I curl up in bed and fall into a deep sleep.
~~~~~~~~~
Monday.
Ew.
Everyone hates Mondays. I don’t want to go back to school. I don’t want to see Jake and Bionca hooking up in the hallways. It hurts me. Wait, no, stop. I told myself I wasn’t going to let it hurt me.
First period is English…the only class I have with assigned seats. Once a good thing, but now bad, I take my seat next to Jake. He moves his desk about an inch or two away from me. I’m not contaminated!
Glancing up at the board, I see that we have a creative writing drill. We are supposed to write a short story or poem about someone we love. Wonderful.
Here’s the poem I wrote:
So many things we shared
Kisses
Hugs
Secrets
Words of love
You always used to ask: “You’re not going anywhere, right?”
And I would respond right away –
“No…never” came my confident response, as I looked lovingly into your eyes.
Another thing we shared was trust
And that’s why I never thought to ask you…
“You’re not going anywhere, right?”
I guess I should have asked.
I should have seen the signs.
I guess I shouldn’t have shared so many things –
Kisses
Trust
Hugs
Secrets
Because you did go somewhere…you left me, and now all we shared is gone and lost forever.
At the thought of writing about Jake, I turn and look at him. He is not mine anymore, yet he still holds a place in my heart. I watch as he writes, wondering what his poem or short story is about…probably Bionca. I don’t even realize I’m staring, watching as this handsome boy, just sits there writing. I fall in love with him at the most random moments. He doesn’t even have to be talking to me.
I snap out of my daydream, only to realize that he’s staring at me.
“Sorry.” I mumble, grasping my pencil and pretending to write.
It’s so hard not to stare. Despite his harsh words and immoral actions, I still see him as an amazing person. I don’t know why I still love him. Maybe it’s hope. Hope is what’s keeping me attached. Why? I know that it’s over. Bionca will be everything he’s ever wanted. A sudden tidal wave of depressed emotions wash over me. I clear my throat, trying to ease the knot at the base of my neck. You know, the kind of feeling when you’re holding back tears and it feels like there’s a rock in your throat? That one.
“Allie, would you like to get a drink?” the teacher asks me.
“Yes please” I reply, getting up from my seat.
I push the classroom door open, taking a breath of fresh air. I walk to the water fountain and find myself gulping down the water. I didn’t even realize how thirsty I was.
I walk into class, only to see Jake standing at the front of the classroom, reading a poem that he wrote. It’s about a boy in love with a girl who is insecure and feels she is ugly, when really, all the boy sees is beauty. Bionca.
YOU ARE READING
Who Am I?
Teen FictionWith hopes to change who she was in middle school, Allie ultimately changes her entire personality and attitude towards life. A much wanted boyfriend, new friends, boys, and bullies pull Allie into an unforgettable year, teaching her lessons she wil...