reality of love

05

Normally when someone tries to touch me, I flinch and avoid them but with him it's different, I yearn for his touch. I like how he's always so warm, even when it's winter. He was like my personal heater.

He has called the landlord for the keys, I couldn't do it because I kept on panicking. Stupid excuse, I know. I'm stupid you don't have to tell me again. I'm getting them back today, at two in the afternoon.

My routine today was different. I didn't wake up in cold sweat, I didn't have nightmares. Today, I didn't cry inside the bathtub while on my laptop. I was more on the happy side of life today.

He walks back inside the room and shows me my keys. He walks to me and gives them to me.

"Thanks," I drag out, waiting for him to say his name.

"Cole," He informs me

"Thanks Cole,"

"You're welcome-"

"Eden," I cut him off by saying my name.

******

"Your dad wants to talk to you again" The sentence keeps on repeating in my head. It was a couple of minutes past five when my aunt recited the news. She was wearing a flowy, black and white floral dress together with black pumps. She looked like she was just done crying when she told me it.

Now it's thirty minutes past twelve in the morning, the sentence still repeating in my head. Occasionally I would break down and stop. I'm sitting on my bed in the dark, raising my hands up slightly when I would inhale and lower them down when I would exhale. It would work but sometimes I would break down and cover my face with my hands. Every time my hand would be too wet for me, I would wipe it on my jeans and then wipe the tears left on my face. This continued on until my alarm went off for my shift. I took a shower and changed into some clean clothes. At eight, I left for work.

I go back home at eleven and wasted my life by watching YouTube videos, until my alarm for my therapy goes off. I dismiss the alarm and went off to the apartment thingy she stayed in. She does have a proper office but I requested a home-y kind of vibe when I started talking. Her apartment isn't that far away from my house. I preferred walked here than riding some sort of vehicle that was driven by someone I didn't know. I always panicked that I might get kidnapped by someone, or something like that.  And besides, it always refreshes me when I walk, but not too much walking, because then I would think too much and break down in the middle of the road or something. It has happened before, my aunt came rushing to where I was when I called her. Even though she was at a spa an hour away from where I was she still managed to get there twenty minutes early. I love her so much and I'm so lucky to have her in my life.

I finally arrive to her apartment, I ring the doorbell and she opens it seconds after.

She kisses my cheek and hugs me, "How are you dear?" She smiles.

"Okay," I shrug and we both start walking in her living room.

She only rented this apartment for the clients that don't feel at ease sitting in her office. She already had this apartment thing going on before she met me. I asked her if it was fine that we could do it at my house but she suggested this.

"Okay," She nods and sits down on her chair. "Have you eaten today?"

"No," I simply answer.

She frowns and stands up, walking to the kitchen she has and got the food she stocked up for her and her clients that hasn't eaten yet. She comes back with pasta and a side of vegetables. She puts it down the table in between us and moves the table closer to me. "You have to at least eat half of that," She looks to me, "Please."

I nod and stab the broccoli with my fork. I put it in my mouth and chew it.

"I heard about your dad," She starts, "About how he wants to talk to you." She looks into my eyes, waiting for my reply.

"I've heard," I shrug, pretending that I didn't care about it.

"I know you care about this Eden, your aunt called me when you broke down. When she told you." She says disappointed. "I've said this before, you don't have to pretend." She frowns while saying it.

"Sorry," I whisper.

"You don't wanna talk about then fine, let's talk about what you did yesterday." She shifts in her seat, looking for a more comfortable position to sit in.

"I got locked outside my house, but I met a guy," I stopped talking when her face went from serious to excited. "He took me under his wing and let me sleep at his place." I continue, leaving out the part of how we slept together.

"Did you sleep, and did you have nightmares if you did sleep?" She ask and got the notepad that she had on the table.

"Yes I slept and no nightmares," I pause for her to write down everything I said, "Surprisingly."

She nods and looks back up to me when she finished writing it down. "What's his name?"

I smile a little at the thought of him, "Cole," I answer.

"Hm, is he cute?" She wiggles her eyebrows together with her shoulders and smiles.

"I don't like him like that," I frown. "But I guess so?"

Her smiles widens and I raise my eyebrow.

"What are you smiling at?"

"Oh, nothing." She giggles, "We'll take a pause for you to eat until you're full."

I nod and started to eat.

When I was done Helen, my therapist, starts to ask me the usual questions. "Do you think you're improving," "Are you doing the stuff I suggested," "How much did you cry yesterday and today," and gave me more suggestions to improve my mental health.

Later that day I cried more, thinking about how my dad wants to talk to me again. I tried out the things Helen suggested but it didn't work, so I just sat in the bathtub until I ran out of tears.

I didn't sleep that night, didn't even try to sleep. Knowing that I would just wake up, throw up and cry.