reality of love

06

I look into the mirror in my bathroom. I was just done crying over the fact of how my dad was trying to see me again.

I looked dead. My once bright and happy eyes were now dull and lifeless, surrounded by the dark circles I have, showing that I had little to no sleep this past week. They were dropping, showing that I was depressed and sad. My dry, dehydrated pale lips and the pimple the was growing on the left side caused by the dirt from not showering.  My nose tinted with pink from my crying.

I was lifeless. You couldn't see anything but sadness in me. You could tell that there is something messed up in my head by just one glance at my eyes. My eyes held all the emotions I felt right now. They were mad at my myself and sad at my life.

I sighed and walked to my bed when my alarm for work went off. I didn't go yesterday, saying that I was sick and didn't want anyone else catching my decease. Today I texted them that I didn't want to work anymore. "I'm quitting."  Was all it said. No excuses, no bullshit, no nothing. I didn't have the energy to do anything this past week. The only movements I made except from blinking and breathing were walking to the front porch or running to the bathroom to cry and throw up.

I throw myself on my bed and looked at the saturn shaped mark on the ceiling. I drew it there on the first week of moving here. I always liked the planet saturn, it reminded me of my mom. It didn't symbolize anything deep, I only put it there because it was her second name. I started to cry from the thought of her.

I didn't stop until it was twelve in the morning. My thoughts wandering to Cole, my neighbor. I never thanked him about it, well not properly. I got out of bed and made macaroni and cheese, I don't know why I made that specific dish but when I finished I got out of my house, not forgetting my keys this time and rang the doorbell. He opens it a minutes after with a shocked expression on his face.

"When was the last time you slept?" He frowned, obviously noticing the dark circles under my eyes.

I started to cry, almost dropping the macaroni.

He takes the macaroni and places it on the floor. He puts his arm over my shoulders while the other arm rubs my forearm until I calmed down. I eventually do and he walks me into the house and up to the stairs, going to his room again. "I'll quickly get the food," He says and runs out of the room.

I sit down on the bed where I sat when I first came here.

He comes back with the macaroni and some plates. He hands me one together with a fork.

I grab the plate and fork and scoop out a small piece while shaking.

He follows after me and puts a large amount of macaroni in his mouth. "Did you know that macaroni and cheese is my favorite?" He ask me after he was done eating.

I shake my head while I was slowly nibbling on the piece I got.

"Well, now you do," He says and after that, silence followed.

I was too lazy to try and start up a conversation, and my throat was dry too.

"Eden, what's wrong?" He ask, looking genuinely concerned.

I contemplate on telling him that I was crazy or not. I don't want him to be scared of me, but I have the need to tell him. This was abnormal for me, feeling the need to tell people. I never wanted anyone else to know about my craziness. "I'm basically crazy," I say. I guess I'm telling him then.

"No you're not, you don't look crazy," He frowns, not believing me.

"I'm the craziest person out there. I killed someone."

The emotion in his eyes showed that he was scared but his body language said to continue, so I do.

I tell him everything. From when I was seven until now. When I was finished telling everything, I was in tears and he was appalled. He traced circles on my back while trying to calm me down.

This is why I didn't wanna tell anyone. It was because in the end, I knew that I was going to break down in front of them and scare them off. But he wasn't scared, he was sympathetic, he understood.

I went to sleep after, he was still tracing circles on my back. It was calming almost. He stayed with me until I fell asleep, not going to the window to smoke.

The morning after, I woke up screaming. I had nightmares. He woke me up from it and I cried. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. He didn't ask what it was about, he just sat there with me and hugged me. He was warm and cozy. I felt more at home with him than in my actual house.

I went back to sleep at four a.m. with him still with me and woke up at twelve to the sound of a guitar. He was practicing by the looks of it. He was sitting in the floor, strumming the guitar with a black pick. I didn't get out of bed, I just closed my eyes and listened to his beautiful strumming. But then he started to sing. His voice was rough and soft at the same time. Everything about that moment was amazing. It was almost as if all the problems in my life disappeared.

"You have such a beautiful voice," I comment with my eyes still closed.

He stopped singing and playing, "Sorry, did I wake you?"

"Yes, but it was a beautiful thing to wake up to," I open my eyes.

"Thanks," He says and looked down. I could see the blush creep up from his neck. It was cute. "I made lunch," He stands up and put the guitar back into his bag. "I was gonna wake you up for breakfast but you looked too peaceful to wake up."

"You didn't have to make lunch," I frown.

"I didn't have to but I wanted to," He walks to the bed and sits down next to me.

I sit up and thank him. We both head down stairs and ate the pasta he made.

I had therapy today so that means I had to take a shower. I didn't wanna get out of his house thought, but I had to. We say goodbye and I thank him for yesterday.

When I got home I laid on my bed and stared at the saturn mark on my ceiling before I got ready to go.