reality of love

10

(A month after)

I wanna leave, but at the same time I don't. I'm scared of him and myself. Of what I can do to myself and to him. Of what he can do to me and himself. I'm scared of him hurting me and I'm scared of me hurting him. I'm scared of him hurting himself and me hurting myself.

I think I love him. And that's bad. Very bad. I don't want another person I can possibly lose. I don't want another person who has the power of hurting me.

I know he's scared too, I mean he cried for christ sake.

That night really shook me. That night is embedded in my memory forever. It's been a month from it but I still remember it like yesterday.

Our relationship has been meh ever since that night. He hasn't been talking that much to me. He's been going out more too, in the morning and night. I would sleep alone mostly while he is out with his new friends he made from recording songs. He comes home in the morning either hungover or drunk, or even both.

He's been more distant. He can't even look me in the eye anymore. He would even go to the point of sleeping on the floor when he is home. He's been pushing me away. I wanna push myself back in but I'm too scared of him pushing me more. 

Call me a coward, I don't care. I'm just scared of being pushed away more.

It's three in the morning and Cole isn't home yet. Again as I said that this normally happens, I'm still terrified of the fact that he might be dead somewhere along the road or he got into a fight at the bar. It still terrifies me that there's a possibility of him being gone in my life, but at the same time, I want him to. Although I feel like bursting in tears when the thought of him gone came to mine, at the same it stops me from crying. Knowing that with him in my life it will be more shit. 

****** 

Later that morning, at five, he came back home. Only to throw up in the bathroom and pass out there. I cried, after these past few days of feeling numb and empty inside. He didn't notice me cry because he was still passed out when I was done four hours later.

Now it's two in the afternoon and I'm waiting for him to come out of the bathroom. I wanna talk to him, telling him that I'm leaving. That I'm moving into my aunt's house.

Minutes later, he comes out looking hungover. He had a black jumper on white grey sweatpants. His hair was still wet and there were rings of purple around his eyes.

"I'm moving out." I tell him. I try to look into his eyes but as always he tries to avoid it. "You're scaring me, and I'm sorry but I'm just too scared." I pause, waiting for him to make a sound or at least show any emotion in his face. But he doesn't. He just stares at the wall behind me so I continue to talk. "My aunt is coming here already, I'm living with her. All my stuff here is all packed up."

"I won't leave unless you leave." 

"Huh?" I tilt my head to my left.

"That's what you said, "I won't leave unless you leave," but then here you are leaving me."

"But you have left me. Cole has left me. You see, the old Cole has left me. The old never came home in the middle of the night or the break of dawn. He never came home drunk and terrifying. He never did all of those things." I'm starting to feel the tears in my eyes now but I refuse to let them fall.

He looks down and walks away. Looking like he's going to his room. About two minutes later he comes back out with a box half the size of me. He walks to me and hands it to me. "Finish this for me then." He says and walks away, back into his room.

I hear a honk coming from the outside. I drag my box with me, going to the front door. I look outside from the window to see who was outside, it was my aunt in her Tesla, waving at me and smiling. I put down the box and unlock the door. I walk to my suitcase and made the handle longer. I pull it outside and into my aunts boot. I went back in the house for box and before I close the door, I shout "Bye!"

"Mail it back when you're done!" Cole shouts back, talking about the box.

I frown and continue to drag the box. I put it in the boot and walked back to the door to lock it. After that, I walk back to the car, close the boot and get in the car. Once I was all buckled up, my aunt steps on the gas pedal and we head to her house.