reality of love

08

I think I like Cole. I've been staying at his place for over a two months now and my feeling have been growing for him, and it's bad. I do not wanna like him, but sadly I do. I realized this after four weeks when he cried. I don't even know why I like him. Maybe it's because of how cozy he feels when he cuddles me, or maybe it was because of how we can't sleep without each other. Obviously he doesn't like me back. I mean, why would he? I'm a terrible person and I'm always sad.

I can't stop myself from thinking of him. Although he distracted me from the thoughts of my dad, he still made me think a lot of how terrible I am. It was the best yet worse feeling in the world. He made me happy and sad at the same time.

Actually, I think I do know why I like him. I think it's because of him playing his guitar for me when I try to sleep, because of how he reminds me to care of myself, because of when I cry he doesn't try to stop me, he just rubs my forearm and make the circles on my back. Maybe it was because of how he made me progress so quickly from showing no sign of recovery. He was just amazing and he looks amazing too.

"What are you thinking 'bout?" Cole stops playing the guitar and tilts his head.

Should I tell him? Do I want him to leave my life after I tell him? I shouldn't tell him.

"Just how this," I made a huge rainbow in the air, "All started because of macaroni and sadness."

He laughs and walks to bed, where I was sitting down at and sat down. "Macaroni and sadness," He trails. "That can be the title of my new song that I made!" He runs to his notepad and opens it. He scribbles on it and bring the notepad back to me. "Okay, so, I've been working hard on his piece ever since that day. If some of the lyrics don't rhyme then forgive me because the title of the song doesn't make sense either and I don't know," He rambles then laughs.

I read it, it was good, but I don't understand why he made a song about me. "Why though?"

He frowns and looks at me, "What do you mean 'Why?'" He tilts his head the way dogs do in the cutest way possible.

"Why make a song about me? Out of everyone you know, why me?"

"What happened? Are you mad at me?" He scoots closer to me. "What did I do?" He sounded sad when he asked that question.

"I was just asking a question, you didn't do anything,"

"But you sound mad to me."

"But I'm not,"

" Okay." He move and lays on my lap. He looks at me in the eye and ask, "Do you want pizza or something homemade?"

"I kinda want pizza," I answer. "And besides, you always cook for me. You know you don't have to right?"

"I know, but I want to." He shrugs and stands up. He walks to the table where his phone was at and unlocks it. He dials a number, from what is looks like, "Hi, I would like some pizza."

******

"I'm scared of you Cole," I whisper.

We were laying on the same bed. It's currently about three in the morning.The day spent by eating pizza and ice cream. Haven't done that in a while. He had to go to his studio though at four when I had my therapy. He had to record the song "Macaroni and Sadness," he's planning on being a singer in the future. I was alone for the rest of the day after, just skyping my therapist and after that I cleaned the house because I felt bad about staying here and doing nothing.

"Why is that Eden?" He says after he turns his body to me.

"Because you have so much control over me," I pause to look him in the eye, "I wanna leave but at the same time I don't want to."

His eyes widens and he starts to hyperventilate. "Please don't leave me Eden, please." He pleads.

"I'm sorry," I look down.

"Please Eden," He repeats and I look him in the eye.

"I won't leave, I'm too scared to leave."

He calms down twenty minutes later. He was looking down and I was on the verge of crying, but I didn't, I've been doing that a lot lately and I'm improving. 

He turned his back to me and I throw my arm over his side and snuggled my head to his neck. He tensed up when I did it, I don't blame him because I don't normally do this. It's the feelings doing this to me. He relaxes when I scooted closer to him.

When he slept, still in the same position thirty minutes ago. I whisper, "I like you Cole, that's why I'm scared." and slept.