reality of love

17

My aunt died. Elliott was cheating on me with Mandy and Estelle. Elliott's an alcoholic. Cole has a girlfriend, her name's Jane. Eriq died because of a heart attack.

Everything's wrong and I don't know what to do. Actually, I want to die.

I have nothing left for me in this world, so why live it? I already feel dead anyways. I've been crying constantly, vomiting constantly, eating less, drinking less, I can feel myself dying already. But I wanna die fast. I want to end this feeling, I want to end everything.

I guess this is the reality of love, it hurts you. No matter how hard you try to avoid it or how hard you try to embrace it. It will always hurt you, no matter how kind you are. Love will always try to find a way to hit you straight in the gut, hard. Occasionally, it will be kind to you, but you still get hurt.

Me? Well I always get hurt. The thing with my dad, my mom, my aunt, Cole, Elliott, Estelle, Eriq, everyone I have ever love. Everytime I try to love, I get hurt in the end. I don't understand why I still continue to, I never learn. How stupid could I be to think I deserved Elliott? How stupid could I be to think Cole still loved me? How stupid could I be to think that Elliott loved me?

That's the thing with love. I always give and give and give, but in the end nobody gives me love. It's always me giving but never receiving.

It sucks, having my life to be like this. It sucks that I always end up getting hurt no matter how happy I was two weeks before.

"Love is supposed to give you happiness!" I still remember my therapist telling me that when I first discussed about love. Well you see, my life doesn't know how to keep up with happiness. I'm either never happy or very happy but fall so hard to sadness that it takes me so long to get up to where I was before. For me, happiness is like climbing a mountain. The higher you get, the harder you fall but once you get to the top, you won't be back down at the bottom unless someone pushes you. For me, I was at the top, it was the most happiest I have ever been. But everyone pushed me. Elliott, Cole, Eriq, My Aunt and Estelle. All of them at once pushed me with the strongest force they help in their body and mind that my tiny broken pieces, got even more tiny. Some of the pieces I got back and fixed to the size of my toe nail, but a lot of them are lost. Hidden under the mountain called Happiness.

I might as well jump of a real mountain, or even a building. I just wanna be the feeling I am feeling. I wanna be dead. I've always wanted to be like my mom, so I guess I should die by overdosing.

I get out of my old bathroom. I'm back at my old house, after Elliott kicked me out. I walk to my sleeping pills on top of the fridge and pour out all of them on my hands. But before I swallow all of these and rown it out with alcohol I bought yesterday, I'm gonna write a letter just incase someone finds me.

---

Hello to the person who found my dead body first,

Well, I'm dead. I killed myself because of everything that happened to me. From my mom dying to Eriq dying. My whole body hurts, physically and mentally. I think I have a cold but I'm too late to get medicated because, well, I'm already dead. I have always considered on killing myself before, but never continue

d with it because I was scared. Well now I'm not, I'm not because I've lost everything important to me. I was gonna go out with a bang, with a gun, but sadly I don't have a gun.

Anyways, I hope someone actually finds me because I don't want my house to stink up too bad.

From dead Eden.