Hannah wasn't sure whether it was the current weather that made her feel so exhausted or if it was the simple fact that she had been working all day like a dog. The first option might have contributed to her level of fatigue – the late Autumn weather gifted the small town with endless grey rainy days -, but the main reason was that even when her shift at the local clothing store had ended, she still had to go home and iron the mountain high stack of clothes and carry the plants inside to the winter garden because the temperature had dropped startlingly low in the previous days.
She plopped down onto her bed with a heavy sigh and stared at her ceiling which was covered with hundreds of photos. Hannah let herself remember some of the moments captured in the photos for a while, but then she squeezed her eyes shut immediately regretting it when the wave of sorrow and loneliness hit her. Remembering hurt as if someone stabbed her in the heart but she coudn't stop her mind from going back in time and the flashbacks to hit her entirety.
She knew it was stupid to leave the pictures there where she could see them anytime she laid down on her bed, but Hannah couldn't bring herself to take the precious reminders of a once exciting life of hers off of the ceiling.
She was afraid that if she shut them away into a dark drawer she would forget everything that had happened or worse, the stories the photos told would be erased from the universe as they were. So she left them in their very conspicuous spot and welcomed the pain because it reassured her that everything had happened after all.
Lily wasn't home; she was either still at school (although Hannah highly doubted it considering it was past 7 pm) or she was enjoying her very active social life. Hannah wasn't envious of her sister and that she could act her age (unlike Hannah) which usually meant her going out rather often and even when home, Lily was on the phone with someone most of the time.
No, this was exactly what she wanted to provide her with, a normal life. One in which she wasn't a misfit just because the previous happenings in her life or even handled with too much care because they thought poor little Lily might break.
Of course it could not be evaded in the beginning but now, 5 years later everyone seemed to overlook the unique situation the Miller sisters were in and Lily could have that teenager period that everyone else. It meant going out, consuming alcohol (even drugs, Hannah suspected), experimenting with boys, and the occasional heartbreak, and even though Hannah was scared for her little sister, she wanted her to experience all these things because she knew she would have too, if their parents hadn't died 5 years ago.
Obviously she was more than aware of the dangers of being incorporated by the darkness of the wild raves (she had been there) especially with all the sadness that was suppressed in Lily's heart, but Hannah made sure she wouldn't let that happen.
Although she had no experience in raising children - especially handling them in the controversial era of adolescence - she had matured a whole lot in the past 5 years and with her own experiences serving as a guide, she hoped she could get on with letting Lily live her life but still making sure she was safe in the end.
It helped a lot that they were good sisters; apart from the occasional (and between siblings, obligatory) bickering they knew that they had each other's backs; each other was all that they had left after all.
Hannah sighed and even though she really didn't want to be the annoying sister she called Lily to inquire whether she wished to come home for dinner (so she would have to get up from her comfortable position on the bed to actually make something) or she would stay at a “friend's” just like last night.
But just before she could swipe her finger across her phone's screen to make the call (it proved to be a very difficult task since she was so tired that she even dropped her phone on her face), the front door creaked open and Lily shouted “hello” from downstairs.
Hannah jumped out of bed as if someone would judge her for taking a nap and ran down the stairs. Her sister was sprawled out on the couch in that very awkward position that would make anyone else but her look unattractive. She was not so surprisingly on her phone texting, her eyes only lifting for a second to flash a smile at her sister.
“So... did you have fun at Ingrid's?” Hannah decided to go along with what Lily had told her two days ago, although she was almost sure her sister did not spend the majority of that time at her best friend's house.
“I did, yeah.” Lily suspiciously pulled her eyebrows up, she could easily read her sister so she knew just about what Hannah might think. She never voiced her fears though and they were building up inside her; not knowing what her sister was doing exactly slowly killed her but she refused to act like an overprotective tiger mother.
Her sister knew it all too well, she was wiser than her age, but she liked to tease her sister and leave her in the dark about her sexual life however she didn't really have one. “Relax Han, we went out last night but I did stay at Ingrid's afterwards. And after school today – yes, we went to school – we all hanged out at the pub, that's all.”
Hannah couldn't help but let out a relieved sigh. Of course her sister might have just lied to her but somehow she understood that she didn't. Hannah swallowed her questions about the “going out” and the “we” that hanged out at “the pub”, and she went to the kitchen to prepare something for the two of them to eat. Lily immediately got up from her spot on the sofa and followed her sister, her babbling entertaining the both of them while the food was being cooked.
“So Ben, Benjamin you know the one in French, the tall one? Yeah he is absolutely stunning and he just got a hair cut right, and oh my God! When you thought he physically couldn't get more attractive he smugly just does. And that makes me mad but not really you know because well, he's grogeous. And we were paired for some talking activity shit and he was so cute he laughed at my jokes and everything and then asked for my number! Well, he said he only needed it if he ever needs help with homework but how obvious that is? He just texted me when I got home saying “hiya”. He's so cute.” She finished with a romantic sigh.
Hannah laughed half-heartedly; love life was a touchy subject for her. She'd only ever had one boyfriend but she had him for more than 2 years and she was so in love with him. Their break up was something Hannah didn't like to think back to, it was the worst thing ever for the worst possible reasons. And the most painful part was that they were still in love but Hannah had to let him go and this way, that it didn't end because one cheated or that they no longer felt the same for the other, it was even worse.
But that's a story for another time.
