Forgotten and Forgiveness

Chapter 17 - As Pale As Snow

"You have a visitor Heartfelia." One of the guards says as I feel my sweaty, damp hands on my face. He takes the uneaten stale bread and dried apricot plate off of my bed. My hair sticks to my face, and I get up, almost stumbling to the ground. I hadn't eaten anything or slept for the last few days and my body was weak. I had lost about 30 pounds and I was as pale as snow. 

He opens the bars of my cell, then leads me down the hall to the meeting area. I'm expecting to see my dad or Levy or something, but instead I see a round, full, tanned face, pink hair and all. He has the telephone up to his ear, waiting for me to pick up the one on the other side of the glass. 

I walk towards him with the complete opposite look of cheerfulness on my face. I sit down in the hard, plastic, gray chair that hurts my tailbone and pick up the phone even though I want to go back to my cell and curl up underneath the ratty, torn blanket that lays on top of a skinny mattress. Natsu looks older. His hair has grown longer, he's gotten stronger, and I must say, even though I despise the guy, I am overjoyed to see him.

"Hey." He says into the phone. I look up at him. "Hi." 

"I heard you are going to be decapitated." He says, then looks at his lap. A hint of sadness in his voice. "Mmm." Is all I can say. I can think about all the nasty things people have said about me to him. Of course, he probably agreed with them. You know, I don't hate you." My face hits the table. "You do." I say. 

He presses his hand against the glass. "Lucy, I-" 

"Times up!" Shouts one of the policeman. He takes Natsu's hand and leads him out the door. I watch him leave through his hand print pressed up on the glass. And I press my own up against the glass on top of his. His hand print is just a little bigger than mine. I break into tears out of nowhere. My palms press up against my forehead and I watch my tears fall. Why am I crying? A voice asks inside of my head. 

It's not long before Cana comes to get me through the crowd of laughing people. "Crybaby!" I hear one of the boys taunt. She takes me back to the cell and puts me back onto my bed. "Why were you roaming in free period?" I never do it because of being different than the crime committers. "No reason." I say through deep breaths. "You need to rest." She lays me down and brushes my hair with her fingers. 

I can't stop thinking about what I've gotten myself into. Prison. Hatred. Depression. Sobbing. Natsu. The world isn't fair! "The world is not fair!!" I scream into the air. Why do I have to be in this mess. I would never wish this on anybody, ever. Yet, it's me that life chose. I slam my face into my hands. 

"Why! Why! Why!" I repeat to myself like this is some wake up call from a nightmare. "Why did I have to be Lucy Heartfelia!! Why can't I just be someone else!!" I feel a hand on my shoulder. Cana's. "Lucy, you don't have to kill yourself inside." She comes to face me, then kneels to the ground. She lifts up my chin. "Just because your world is coming crashing down doesn't mean that you can't rebuild it and start again." Then she smiles at me. 

"You might be covered in dirt, but you shine Lucy. You shine."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Over the next few days, a couple friends visit me. They still don't know that I'm going to die so I don't tell them. Levy says that after I get out of jail, she'll take me book shopping. I don't tell her that I will never live to see that day, but I like to hear her talk about it. It's like a story in my mind that I want to reread everyday. 

On Thursday I met a woman outside the electric fence that couldn't shock a lizard. She has a saggy face and light pink hair. She never told me her name. She told me that if I look in the right direction, the light will blind the darkness within me. I try not to have to much hope in her, but in the end it might actually give me hope to do something about it. 

Now I'm outside looking through that fence, wondering if I'll ever get out of this place. Lisanna was right. I will die. But instead I'll go up. And maybe then I can finally dance and be happy. I can finally see my mom again. But even so, I couldn't leave behind the regret that I didn't try my hardest to live. 

The snow gets caught in my hair, then slowly melts as it gets warmer. My shoes are soaked through with water and my legs underneath my uniform are frostbitten and cold. But I stay outside and watch the snow silently fall onto the ground. So peacefully and careful. I wish I could be like that. 

My lips are chapped and it turns out I have strep throat. I hide it real well though because I don't want any sympathy. I've already had enough. I'm starting to think dying isn't such a bad choice after all. It would be good for me. And I finally could stop feeling pain. But there is one thing I am willing to live for. Friendship. 

So I close my eyes and feel the cold air conceal me and my body in it's strength. The wind blows in my hair. The snow lands on my face. And I'm so peaceful. Just like a falling snowflake.