NOTE: Remember the times you want to just shout to the world what you really feel but instead you say the exact opposite? I think we all do. So I hope you like this update. It was quite a whirlwind writing this one.
"I..." Should I?
"I what?" He raised his brows for added inquiry.
"I..." Am I ready?
"What?" To lose him...
"I don't think it's your business." No. I'm not. I can't. I don't want to. I can't lose him yet. And I feel my heart yelling, crying, hyperventilating, and most of all, getting stabbed. It's so painful. It's killing me.
"But..." He held my chin and looked at me intently. "You're in pain." Please stop. Why do you have to do this? Why do you have to be like this? Why do you even care?
"We all feel pain. It's just a matter of time until you get used to it." And he took his hand.
Will I even get used to it? When I know that I can never be with him? So close, yet so far? When you know that he cares for you but he doesn't care enough to actually love you? Will I even survive?
"I don't like seeing you like this." He told me while looking down.
"We all have our ups and downs." It's just this one is going to be a looooooooooooong way down.
"Yeah. But not you." And he looked straight to my eyes. I can see the care in his eyes, the concern, the worry. If only. If only I could wrap it around and make it mine. If only I can make you mine. If only I can have you. Then maybe. Maybe I won't be like this.
"I'll be fine. Eventually." And I smiled.
"Would you mind having me while you're not?" Can I really? Can I have you? Yeah, right.
And so I smiled to him.
"What for?" Can I just hug you? Can I just be with you?
"To be with you until you're fine." If only I can cry and slap him right now. If only I can just leave. Those words. It's killing me. And yet, I would have to say
"Sure. I'd like that." It's like I can't even breathe and yet my heart keeps fighting. Even if it's sore. Even if it's tired. Even if it's dying.
"Good. Cause I don't wanna miss out your being a dramaqueen." And he wiggled his brows and smiled. Sarcastically.
"Asshole!" No. You're worse than one. You're naive! You're dumb! You're a dumb dumb person! An idiot.
"Okay. Slow down on the swearing there." Why are you so dumb!? Can't you even feel anything? I want you! I fucking want you, you asshole piece of shit! And you know what's the most painful part of it, I keep screaming in my head how much I want you but I can't even utter a word.
"Well, you are one. Are you not?" I asked him matter-of-factly
"You do know that's kinda offending coming from you." And he seemed hurt. Right. If you know what I feel, it's nothing compare to what you're feeling right now.
"Oh! You get offended?" And I smirked.
"Sheesh. I don't know what to do with you." He hissed at me.
"What to do with me? Why? What do you think you should do with me?" Do to me? What does he think I am!? I'm already in pain here. And him being here is adding up to that even more. And now he's getting mad at me. Does he even have the right to? I should be the one mad at him! I'm the one who's in pain here because of wanting him! Wanting him so much. It's killing me.
"I just want you to smile. I want you to be happy." To be happy? You want me to be happy? I would be happy if you could be with me! I would be happy if you can just tell me that you want me. Even if not as much as I do but just to know that you do, that would make me happy. That would make me ecstatic. Can you? Would you even do that? You can't. Because you won't and you don't feel that way. Why would you even say it? You don't even have the slightest idea how much I want you. And again, you don't feel the same.
"Not now. I'm not in the mood for jokes." I took the chocolate and drank it all.
"You know you can tell me anything, right?" I heard him say.
"It's not like you can do anything with it. Can you?" I put down the mug. And started with my burgers.
"You'll never know." And he leaned on the couch.
"You can't." I just told him while munching on my burger. Even though I know he can.
"I can try. I hate seeing you like this. It makes me adhasdhaouhdjkasdnlanj." Try? Try to what? Try to want me? Don't take pity on me. I don't need that. I want you to feel it. On your own. And tell me that you feel the same way. And it makes you feel what? Feel sad? I'm far from sad. I'm far from anything but sad. I'm miserable. Can't you even see that? And still you managed to make it all you. All about you.
"Makes you feel what? Sad. You don't have to be. I told you, I'll get through it." I assured him. But if only I can shout at him. And again, tell him what I feel. Scream to the world what I feel so it won't hurt this bad. So it won't hurt this much. If only. But I can't. Not now. I don't want to lose you yet. I can't afford to lose you. I just. I don't want to.
"If only I can take the pain away." You can. Is this really how it feels like? Wanting to cry and not letting it out? Is it how it feels like? It's devastating. It's excruciating. My heart. It's pounding on me. It's going berserk. And it's painful. Excruciatingly painful.
"You can't. All you can do is to be here and witness it." Just leave. It's not gonna make me better but at least I'd feel less pain. Less heartache. Less broken. Less wanting.
"And I'll always be." And he reached my hand while I was getting a tissue to wipe the sauce on my mouth. And so I looked at him. If only. If I can only just hold your hand. Just this time. If only I can hold you. And make you mine. Please...
"Thanks." But I can't. Because we're friends. And friends don't do that. Friends are there. Always. But never beyond that. Never wanting more. Never doing more.
And I saw the owner come by our table.
"I'm glad you two made up." And she put her hand on his shoulder. "Don't ever let her go, okay?" And she smiled at him.
"Don't worry Ma'am. I won't." And I felt his grip tightened. And I saw him smile at the lady owner until she left and looked at me.
"I really won't." And I smiled.
"Thanks." Why do you have to be like that? Why do you have to be so nice?
"Anytime." And he let go.
And I don't know why but...
It broke my heart even more.
NOTE:
So how about that? I hope you like this new update. And please, don't forget to:
1. VOTE
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PLEASE. Do share your own experiences, if you've been in that same position. I know I do. Lots of love. Jane Doe.
BINABASA MO ANG
Diary of a Broken Heart
KurzgeschichtenQuestions filled my mind as I realized it. How did it began? How did it happen? Was I that oblivious? Or was I off-guard? Why wasn't I more careful? Why didn't I become more wary? Why did this have to happen? And most of all, How will I stop myself...
