Diary of a Broken Heart

Going back...

That was the time we were acquianted. He brought me to a burger place and we ate until it closed. We were laughing that time. I was having a great time. I can't tell if he feels the same way though but I don't really care. I took it as a one-time hang-out. Not something to look forward to every-after P.E. class. But I guess I was quick to jump to conclusions.

Sometimes, I wonder though. What if I didn't talk to him? What if I just ran instead of looking back? What if I decided to just go home after Physical Education? What if he just left after I shooed him away? What if I just didn't care? Will everything be the same? Will it change everything? Will I be able to stay away? Will I be able to guard myself? Will I be able to remind myself to be wary? Will it change what I feel for him now? Will it make me not feel this way about him? Will it make me stop?

 No matter what I do, nothing's gonna change what I feel for him now. Nothing.

And don't say I didn't try because I did.

I tried my best to stay away from him. I tried my best to make him feel like he's not welcome in my life anymore. I tried my best to act like nothing's wrong between us. That we're friends. And that we're only friends. But no matter what. He, or rather, my heart always finds a way. When I stay away from, he will come to me. And we will talk. As if it's the most normal thing in the world. And I will hear my heart beat go like crazy. When I make him feel not welcome, I feel bad afterwards.  Then I would go to him and cheer him up. And yes, it's a never-ending cycle.

Because no matter what I do. I can't bear to have him away from me. And I can't even stand the thought of him not being a part of my life. So how in the devil will I move on? If I don't even allow myself to take a step; whether it is backward or forward.

I sighed at that moment. 

I closed my eyes and digged deeper in my memories.

There must be away.

Something. One reason. One way. Just one.

That will be enough for me.

I am not asking myself to forget him.

I am not asking myself to even stay away from him.

I am simply asking myself to stop.

I am asking myself to stop thinking about him.

To stop wondering about him.

To stop worrying about him.

To stop checking on him.

To stop being around him.

To stop being happy around him.

To stop wanting to be with him.

To stop caring for him.

To stop...

To stop...

No.

I can't. I just can't.

I don't want to.

I can't.

It's not love.

It can't be love.

It is everything but love.

Everything.

True.

It is everything.

Because somehow, it feels like he's my everything.

How cheesy.

Look at me.

I have to stop this. I just have to. It's not because I don't want to feel this way. Don't get me wrong. It's a glorious feeling. I have to admit. Whenever he's around me, I can't help but smile. Even when he's annoying me, I can't help but just laugh it off. Even when I don't see him, just thinking of him completes my day.  And even with just him by my side, I feel like I can conquer everything.