Diary of a Broken Heart

Happy Heart's Day

So here I am, sitting in my bed and writing all the things my heart has been trying hard not to let out.

Can you blame me? This is the only thing that's keeping me sane. Without this diary, I don't know what else I can do. I know I love him and I know that I can never be with him so what else is there to look forward to? I can at least give myself a chance to be with him, right? Even if it's only in this little piece of notebook. At least, I'll be able to say I love him and that I love him so much. It breaks my heart knowing that whatever I do, there will never be a chance for us and that he's inlove with someone else and all I can do is live with that even if it breaks me to pieces.

...

"I can't understand why it's so painful." Neither do I. It doesn't make sense to me either.

"That's life. All you can do is live with it." I told him.

"That's new. You never said those things before." 

"Never?"

"Yeah. Most of the time, you'd tell me to fight for her as long as I have something to fight for. That I shouldn't give up as long as there is still something to hold on."

"Do you still have something to hold on?" I asked him frankly.

"I don't know. But I'm not willing to give up yet." If only I can do the same.

"Then what do you want me to say?" 

"I don't know. I..." He paused... And then he looked at me. "Just be with me." It's not like I have a choice.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You could be getting tired with all these ranting I always do."

"Nah. I'm glad I'm able to help." At least I can do this.

"You're always there, aren't you?"

"I can't promise always but I'll be here." Just as long as you need me. Just as long as I can't take losing you.

Then he held my hand. "Thank you." And I smiled. I don't know why but I think I saw some sadness in his eyes. It must be my imagination. I must want him that bad.

"Why do you love her? If you don't mind me asking." I know this is the worst thing I could ever think of asking him but I just have to know. I don't know if I can take it but I do want to understand it. It's already painful hearing him cry because of that girl but I just want to know. Maybe I'm a masochist. I don't know. But I just have to.

"You there?" I looked at him. 

"Huh? W-What?" 

"You weren't listening."

"I'm sorry. I'm spacing out."

"Yeah. I noticed."

"So... What was your answer again?"

And he looked straight in my eyes and told me. "I just do." I don't know why but those three words punched me like a rock. It was like I've been beaten down by a bunch of wrestlers and MMA fighters that I lost all my strenght to fight back. It's as if... My heart just stopped. It stopped beating.

...

And that was our epic conversation a while ago. Epic because even though he was looking right into my eyes, he wasn't able to see the pain it caused me. Those three words were like knives. It stabbed me and I didn't even bleed. It was worse. It was killing me yet I still keep breathing and each and every breath I take is torture. So how dumb can I get? Writing all these things in my diary as if reliving it will change the way I feel. Have you ever felt this way? The pain? The heartache? Knowing that the only person you ever gave your heart to loves someone else and instead of moving on, you stay with him just to make sure he'll be okay and that he will be happy. I must be dumb. No, I'm not dumb. I'm stupid. I'm an idiot. Still, I keep on writing. I keep on reminiscing every single moment that I had with him. To what? Just to make me feel the pain all over again. So that I would be able to remind myself not to keep falling even if I know it's too late. But remembering the pain, at least I felt happy. Even if it was for a little while, he was there and he was with me.