Red Camellias

Chapter 12

At the agency the air was still heavy and gloomy. There was almost everyone standing outside the infirmary with dark expressions. Inside, other members of the agency like Kunikida and Atsushi, also wore gloomy faces. Some members of the Port Mafia had also joined the gloomy party. They seemed to be waiting for Chuuya's final breath.

I refused to let that happen.

Making my way to the inner room I managed to change everyone's expression to an intrigued one. Chuuya was just the same as he was before I left. Except for the spots on his skin that showed how quickly his body was destroying itself from inside out.

"Yosano" She immediately perked up. Her full attention on me. "Please do it one more time" She studied me for a while. "Please..." She sighed heavily and asked me to go outside.

As she closed the door behind me, everyone's eyes were on me. "This is just one last desperate attempt... I know that most of you just want him to stop suffering but I have to try..." I nervously twirled the flower between my fingers. "I led him down way too many times already. I was a jerk to him without a reason. And I was too dumb to realize how much I need him in my life..." I bowed. "Please just let me try one time!"

There was silence for a while. I didn't get back up. I just waited patiently for a reply from anyone. It felt like an eternity until Kunikida spoke.

"It better work, Dazai. I don't want to put up with you alone"

I stood straight again and flashed him a smile. "You bastard"

"I think that no one does" Tanizaki replied.

"True" Atsushi agreed.

"Come on guys. You're just being mean now"

Thankfully this chit-char managed to put a temporary smile on everyone's face. Even in mine. It gave me strength.

"Dazai" As soon as Yosano opened the door and called out for me, the air in the room became dark again. "It's your turn"

She let me in alone. I closed the door behind me. His peaceful complexion made my heart beat twice as fast as it already was beating. This was it. I had to wake him up.

Swallowing hard I made my way to his bed with careful steps. It was not like he would sit up and move like the girl from the Exorcist but whatever. That didn't sound like a bad idea though... Either way! I sat down on the bed, my hand placed on top of his. "Chuuya..." I squeezed it gently. Surprisingly, I did not know what to say.

Looking away with a heavy sigh I decided to lay all the cards on the table. Tell him all my hearts contents without thinking twice about my every word. Just let my speech be firmed in my heart and go straight to my mouth.

"I'm sorry..." Typical, lame way of starting. Well, it had to start somewhere. "For all I did to you... I am a jerk, an idiot, a womanizer bastard who was too stupid to value the one who was always there. For everything" I grimaced, glancing at him. "It didn't matter when or where, you would always be there. Right by my side. You never hesitated to trust your whole life to me. In hard situations I could always count on you" I looked down at my lap with a smirk. "Even late at night you were always there to fight away my nightmares, make me company when I had Insomnias and to change these troublesome bandages... You would always help me with such affection and care..."

Starting to feel anxious I let go of his hand and nervously twirled the flower in my fingers. There had been no reaction from him yet and it was scaring me. "I don't think I have a single memory of the time before I abandoned you where you weren't there..." It was becoming hard to keep my desperate tears in. "I know that I only deserve to be abandoned by you right now. It is my punishment for doing that to you in the past but I love you, Chuuya and I won't be able to keep going without you... You brightened my dull days... You were the only thing that would make me put my death wish aside... I need you..."

Glancing at him, searching for some sort of reaction that wasn't there, I allowed myself to collapse next to him. With my head resting on he chest, I noticed how his heart beat so slowly and how weak was his breathing. Holding his hand again I kissed his fingers. "If you can't stay please take me with you..." I squeezed his hand between mine. The flower abandoned on the bed somewhere. I really didn't care about it anymore. As I crying my miserable life's contents out I just begged to whatever god there was to take me with him... I had already lost all hope on having him back.

"None of us is going anywhere, idiot..."

I was imagining his voice now. That was great though, they say that people have hallucinations when they are dying.

"Please, Dazai... Stop crying..."

"I can't, OK?! I am losing the most important person in my life and I... I... I feel so lost"

"Don't worry. I'll always be beside you..."

This ghost conversation only made me cry even more. "Please don't go..." My voice broke in the end of the sentence. "I love you"

"I know you do" There was a pause as well as a soft kiss on my head and a gentle arm around me. "Just like you know that I'm not going anywhere" Wait a second.

I sat up straight to look at him. He was moving. His eyes were open and they were looking right back at me. His mouth was contorted upwards into a happy and satisfied grin.

He sat up slowly as well. If I wasn't still loading the fact that he was alive I'd have tried to stop him. "I also thought that you were gone" He said placing his hand over mine. "In fact... I remember looking at your corpse..." Shaking the thought away he looked me eyes and continued. "You nulled the ability but my mind still considered that real and just like a damn suicidal crybaby, I did not wish to stay here without you. I suffered enough when you first left... I wouldn't stand to go through all of that again"

My gaze fell to the bed. "I'm sorry..." The flower was resting on the white bedsheets between us. I picked it up and showed it to him on the palm of my hand. "Do you know the meaning of this flower?"

Chuuya looked down at its slightly torn petals and nodded. "I remember George telling me about it... He said its meaning was related to death. 'Perishing in grace' if I'm not mistaken..."

I gave him a nod of agreement. "Yes. Like you in this bed. Like me in the way I take my life. But it also means something else"

"What?"

" 'In Love' "

His eyes lit up and his gaze switched from the flower to me. I placed the flower in his hands and held them in mine. "I love you, Chuuya. I will never leave your side again, I promise" He raised his eyebrow. "You know that I always keep my word"

He laughed shyly and just when I relaxed and laughed too, he used my bolo tie to pull me to him. Our breathes mingled together and our lips brushed against each other as he spoke. "Let's go home. I'm tired of this bed"

"You just woke up"

"Yes. And why is that?"

"Because you thought I was dead?"

"Exactly and because of that I refused to accept the chance of living after reaching the limit of my ability and it scared me and I have this huge desire for you right now!"

I pursed my lips. "You were really scared, huh?" I smirked. Chuuya parted his lips, clearly thirsty for mine. I'd clearly have given it to him if Yosano didn't barge in. "If you are awake go find another bed for that!"

Mean. So, so mean.

Oh well. He was alive and that's what mattered. To celebrate that everyone decided to go for dinner. Chuuya was happy with it but at the same time not so much. He enjoyed his evening nonetheless. Only because he knew that he would have what he wanted later...