Hallelujah! Laptop. Now I can finally write properly because writing reviews is sooo hard on the platform. You've been waiting for this one for a while, haven't you?
Author: AnonymousMoi123
Genre: Teen Fiction
No. chapters read: 3
First impression: Noooo... *runs away screaming* Just kidding. Or not.
Cover: I like it. It's a very pretty, eye-catching cover and it fits the title of your story. It's also very genre appropriate.
Cover rating: Me likey
Blurb: Is a huge chunk of text. Plus... TMI, Morgan, TMI! Why are you telling me who the mysterious boy is in the blurb? You just blew your whole plot. Now I don't have to read the story because I can guess what happens from a mile away.
I actually like your old blurb a bit better, even if that one's got typos too. You have TYPOS in your blurb! *burns it to the ground*. Want to put me off your story? Have typos and chunky sentences in your blurb. Guess what, you have both. Yay for you!
Just to be clear, I don't think you should go back to your old blurb. Make a new one using the combined info/style from the two. DON'T tell us it's Jacob. For the love of Cthulhu, unless she finds out in the first three chapters, don't tell us.
Blurb rating: TMI!
Let's get it on!
Second impression: *Running away some more*
Actual review *drum roll please*:
Language/Writing:
This is going to be very short. You need A LOT of editing. Punctuation. Proper paragraph separation, using capital letter after a period... yes, it's that bad.
Let's leave terrible grammar aside. Style time! You have a pretty good voice going on. I kinda got a feel for Ari/Arden. But she soooo goes off on a tangent and starts throwing backstory at us. I found it kinda funny that she zones out in real life as she does this and other people call her out.
But no, even if it's first person, info-dumping doesn't work. Not even disguised as conversation to show how the school works. That's was totally info dumping.
Focus on your action and throw bits and pieces at us along the way. Your voice is pretty funny, but that's about the best I can say here.
Language rating: it's truth or dare
Plot: The plot from the blurb sounds fun. I didn't get to see much of it because I didn't read far enough. It's standard teen fiction meant to be funny. You know what you need for it to work?
Number one: impeccable grammar. Because there are SO many other high school stories out there, readers can chose. And they won't chose the one with the bad grammar.
Number two: humor. You kinda have that, but watch out! Humor for humor's sake is VERY obvious and I'm already scoffing and throwing your book in a pit of hell fire. So yeah, make sure the humor goes with the plot and not revolve the plot around the humor because that never works unless you're writing spoof.
Number three: Characters we're willing to root for. I'm not cutting Arden off my list as a complete twat, but I'm definitely close because I hate kids with attitude just because. So yeah, give me a motive for her being queen Bitch and I'm all aboard.
You introduce so many characters all at once, they're easy to forget and interchange. Though the 4J's is a nice touch, I'll give you that one.
Plot rating: You have a lot of work to do
Characters:
Arden: I kinda like her and don't like her at the same time. You obviously hint that she has a reason for being a mean girl, but I still can't like her when she's all about sass and her puns aren't even that funny. I can't kick her in the crotch yet because I'm not sure if I'm meant to hate her and she grows or what not. From what I've read, I don't like her much.
Other mean kids: Yes, apparently they have a friendship where they're pretty much secretly all backstabbing each other. This could make for interesting dynamics, plus the way they fall apart could be awesome. So far, none were distinctive and we're introduced too briefly.
Character rating: damn, I know nothing after three chapters
Why I stopped reading: Your grammar sucks. There, I said it. Fix that, and come back to me. Because your premise could turn into something hilariously awesome.
Grade: Fail. I still like you, but your grammar sucks.
YOU ARE READING
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