aLOVEthing

thirty seven | sunsets

STEPHEN'S POV

Tired. Just tired.

3AM. 3AM slowly turns to 4AM. Then 4AM slowly turns into another morning.

Another morning without my babygirl. 

"No doc, you can't be serious. This can't be real! THIS CAN'T BE REAL! SHE CAN'T BE GONE!"

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Curry. We did everything we could."

"No, no- please--" 

"Stephen, please--"

"Let me see her please." The doctor silently nodded.

Let me tell you. When they say to cherish every day like it's your last, you really need to cherish every day like it's your last. It's been hard. Truly & devastatingly hard. I lie here, during the early mornings, disregarding the fact that I have practice in a couple of hours. Or, meetings. Shoots. Anything having to do with the world, really. I just lie here, letting the tears fall. 

I remember every single detail. I remember the slight freckles on her face that were almost invisible. The mole on her arm. Her birth mark on her left elbow. I remember seeing her for the first time & feeling like I knew I had to save her. Save her from whatever darkness was following her. I remember seeing her smile grow the more we spent time together. The closer she was reaching her dreams. I remember hearing her laugh right before she walked out of the door the day everything changed.

I remember seeing her on the hospital bed and running to her side. Like she would wake up. But she didn't.

"Heart, no. Please." I held her hand tightly as I waited for some kind of miracle. Some kind of touch. Feel. Anything. "I'm begging you. Just one more minute with you."

I cried. And cried. As I sat there with my head on her chest, hoping to hear her heartbeat. But nothing. Her body felt hollow and cold. It wasn't the same.

'"Babygirl, if you could hear me. You know I love you so much. I don't want you to leave me. I need you. I need you more than anything. You're my everything, baby. This can't be it."

I remember rubbing her hands and trying to make them warm. I caressed her cheek. And although she was cold, her skin still felt soft. But I continued to look at her and observe her in the bed. She looked like she was finally at peace. 

"Baby, I know we've been through so much. I know it's been a journey for you but you know I would never give up on you. It was my job to protect you and be there for you & I'm so sorry I didn't do my best to save you from this."

She looked peaceful and that was one thing I couldn't get out of my mind. 

"I did everything I could to try and give you a better life & I hate myself for coming out so short in the end. You didn't deserve this, sweetheart. It should've been me. You should've been here, chasing your dreams. Getting yourself out there. Finally doing what you've been wanting to do for the longest time."

But then, I remembered every single thing she's been through. Everything we've been through. Losing her parents. Losing Jomari. Losing Aunt Lisa. Losing everything she's ever loved and cared for in life. All the pain she's been through. All the sacrifices she's had to make to make it through the day. All the energy she invested in trying to better her life on her own.

"You deserve everything good in this world, baby. Not this. I'm so sorry."

I felt a sharp pain in my chest as I remembered running out of words to say to her that night. I wanted to say everything & nothing all at once. I was still trying to process everything in my head that everything I was saying seemed like it was all over the place.

I'm still trying to process it now, really.

"I just don't know what I would do without you. I know this sounds so selfish, but you've become my better half and I just. don't know. how to do this without you."

She really became my other half though. Heart was the better half of me. She made me feel like a better man. Like I could conquer the world. Like I could overcome anything with her by my side. I've never had so much positivity and optimism before she walked into my life. She was the sun that was never supposed to set.

"Oh god, I just don't know. We were supposed to grow old together. Get married in a couple of weeks and grow old together. Have kids. Be happy."

Our plans were so set in stone that my heart breaks every single time I think about it. 

We were supposed to get married.

"If i could do this all over again and change the way things happened, I would Heart. I would do anything for you. No one could ever take your place, baby. I swear on that."

And I can't even begin to think of anybody that would come close to Heart. You know? She had everything I needed. Everything that my life was lacking and more. She took care of me. She took real good care of me. 

She loved me for me. She loved me for who I was. She appreciated every single thing about me. & That's as rare as that's gonna get.

I wanted to grow old with her and have a life with her.

Whenever she was around, I forgot about everything else around me. I forgot about reality. I forgot about the world. And that was perfectly okay.

I remember looking at her one last time that night before getting pulled away by the nurse. I examined her face once more. Her body, in general.

She was quiet. Quiet and peaceful. 

It all of a sudden clicked. It was time. She needed to be with her family. & It was perfectly okay. 

"Baby, I have to go. I love you so much, sweetheart. I know you'll never leave my side. But you've been through so much already. So much. And because I love you, it's okay. Everything will be okay. You've done what you could. You can go." I cried as I kissed her hand once more.

"You can go, baby."

-

(Chasing Cars - Sleeping At Last)