Dear Bully

29

"Please," Daniel begs, "I want you to be mine!"

I shake my head, "No, I love Austin."

"But don't you want me," he asks.

I reply, my voice wavering, "yes, but I only like you as a friend."

He pauses when he hears the word friend. I gulp and look away. I'm scared for what his reaction will be. He made me believe that I truly wanted what happened in the closet to happen and all the other times he forced me to after. Deep down I know it's wrong and I know Daniel is crazy, but I also stay because I hope I can help him fix himself. I have the relationship that I initially wanted with him the first day I met him and I don't want to let him go until he's better, even though I know I should.

His face blank and red, but I can read the underlying aggression he is trying to hide. The vein in his forehead pops out like it usually does when he gets this way and his biceps twitch. My eyes shut tightly, my hand place to my face, covering my worrying expression, but I throw my head into his chest sobbing. When I finally have the courage to look up again, all I saw was a broken boy. I wrap my arms around him and I cry some more. Daniel kisses the top of my head. I've told him multiple different times he needs to stop doing that, but he never listens.

"I love you," He whispers as his head rests on top of mine, "Bailey, we could be a couple. Why do you keep denying my love for you?"

"Daniel," I respond with a weary state, while my face is still buried in his chest, "I don't love you like that and," I gulp, trying to conceal my fear, "I don't know if I ever will."

He releases from the hug and hopelessly stares into my teary, sunken eyes. I can hear his heart shattering just by the look in his eyes that are staring directly through me.

"We had sex," Daniel shouts, shoving me away," How the hell could you not love me!"

"You forced me! How am I supposed to know if I love you if you spent the majority of our time knowing each other by torturing me," I yell back while the burning tears pour down my face in anger," I didn't want to fuck you, Daniel. B-but you didn't give me a choice so I could do nothing, but give into your bullshit like always."

Daniel grabs me, placing my head back into his chest, wiping my tears away and shushing me, "I'm sorry," he mumbles under his breath, so softly I could barely hear him. I can tell he is trying to also choke back tears. Suddenly the stroke of his hand on the back of my neck stop and he removes his hands from my body completely, looking at them and then back at me. He repeats this pattern so many times, it's starting to feel like a loop in time. 

Falling to his knees, Daniel bursts into sobs, saying I'm sorry for the 100th time to me and many more times following. He cries his eyes out for me, he is putting himself under so much stress that they turn red from the blood vessels that had popped his eye. This was the first time I've ever seen him show this much emotion to me. I now fully believe I finally got the message through in his head. He pleads as I witness him now feeling as broken as he made me. I felt accomplished, but not fully. He was good in the games he played, I stayed weary incase it was all an act so I didn't say anything in return, just blank staring. I took the scene he was displaying in, trying to fight the manipulation incase there is any. Do I have more feeling for my bully than my boyfriend?

I grab my belongs, turn back once more at the disheveled sight, before I ultimately leave the house, and plant myself in my car. I take a deep breath and drive to the gas station down the street, immediately sending a text to Austin.

Me: Hey

Austin: Hi, my princess, what's up

Me: Will you meet me at the park? 

Austin: Sure, but thats so random! Why the park specifically?

Me: Oh I don't know, just wanted some fresh air and I just wanted to see and talk to you

Austin: Okay, my love. I'll head there now! see you there

Austin: I love you

I stared at those three words, illuminating from my phone screen. My thumbs hover the keyboard, but I never press a button to send the same message back. For the first time, I didn't reply those three words back to him.