Dear Bully

40

I smash the doorbell and bang on the door multiple times. No one answers the door, but I banged so hard that it slightly cracks open. I didn't realize it was unlocked the entire time. I open it further and it seems as though no one is home. It's dark, dusty, and full of trash. The place has grown to be gross and disgusting, I wouldn't be surprised if I had seen it in my nightmares. I've been here multiple times before and this house is usually spotless, weird? It was dark and gloomy. Pitch black darkness except for the one light that illuminates from the second floor. I slowly walk up the creaking staircase, following the low glow until I reach the closed door that it comes from; your bathroom.

oh no... dear god please no! my inner dialogue races as I reach my hand out slowly. I knock, softly.

"Daniel," I faintly whisper into the door.

I get no response. I knock harder and say his name louder. I continue to do this obnoxious cycle until I'm to a point of screaming, almost breaking my vocal cords. I try to open the door, but unlike the front door this one is locked. I end up searching the whole house. Where is the key to the god damn door? My adrenaline can not be stopped in this moment of my life. After moments of searching with no success, my rage gets the best of me and I keep banging, smashing my fists into the door, until I ultimately kick the door in.

To my surprise it works and instantly swings open and I am met to see Daniel holding a gun to his head and a knife on the ground. It is covered in blood as well as drips surrounding him. All he can do is stare at me, but I don't know how well his vision could be from the amount of cuts visible on his wrist, forearm, and the amount of blood already drained out from the deep wounds he has slashed into himself.

"Leave now!," he yells at me with a voice shaking in guilt, I can tell he's slowly losing consciousness but he is still standing and clearly responsive.

Not only is his voice shaking but also his hand with the gun pressed to his temple. Daniel was just as scared and as confused, if not even more, than I am in this moment. Daniel puts his finger on the trigger, almost ready to click, one false move could release a bullet straight into the right side of his skull. I fall to my knees and cry. He looks down at me while tearing up himself, finally I get an emotion out of him after months of trying. This made me realize not only did he actually care all along,  but I know he still has enough life in him to listen.

"I'm not happy here," He continues, sniffling and trying to fight back the tears. His eyes glow red like the blood pooling out of his self inflicted mutilation.

"Daniel put it down please. We can talk about what you're feeling. This isn't the option you need to take. You have so much potential, you are so loved, you are still so young, and you have so many things to look forward to. Put the gun down please Daniel. I don't care about what happened in the past, we need to stop looking at the past, but instead look to the future! You are going to do great things, see great things, meet great people, and so much more! You have people who love you, don't you know this? So much love and support for you! Your mom loves you, your friends love you, and I love you, JUST PLEASE LOOK AT ME AND LISTEN," I cry out still sitting on my knees and his eyes finally meet mine," I need you!"

He looks away, "and I needed you."

"I know Daniel," I press the emergency button my phone behind my back while I try to talk him out of things, hoping they will track my location fast enough to get here on time, slowly getting myself up from the ground while the gun is still pressed on his temple, "I am so very sorry. The world hasn't treated you fairly, I know this and I didn't make it any better, I'm sorry. I never should've picked Alex, Austin, or anyone before you! You are the love of my life Daniel, you made me realize so much in myself. The good, the bad, everything!"

I took a step closer, hoping for a miracle.

"PLEASE baby, put the gun down, let me help you now. Can't you picture the future of us too? I think about it all the time! Us going on dates, getting our own place, getting married one day, starting a family, watch our kids grow, then we grow old together, and everything else! Doesn't that sound great?"

His stares are blank, I could tell I'm losing him fully. He grew weaker just by sitting there, I couldn't tell how deep the wounds actually are with the amount of blood on his arms and I grow more worried wondering if he has cuts on his legs too because he has thick black pants covering them. I take one last step forward, this time with my arm reaching out.

"Give me the gun Daniel, please!"

He lowers it, faced down to the grown, but towards my direction, I can still see his tears glisten in the dry, smeared blood on his face from wiping the past tears away on his arm. I try to stay calm as the gun hovers closer and he hovers it, so close to reach. As I go to cuff it into my grasp he speaks,

"But," he reaches back before I get a good grip on it and I stumble, but catch myself, "I've harmed you too much and I don't want to keep doing that."

"No, No, No," I reach for the gun again as my voice slightly quivers, but I hold the fear back as best as I can now.

Stop you need to stay calm or it'll make things worse!

"You won't go back to that! I know you won't because you have changed, I have changed, we all have changed! Life is about making mistakes and learning from them and our relationship now compared to the start she's how much we have grown! Now let's put the gun down and have things be the way it should be. You being here, with me, with everyone! I have some great news to share if you can just get through this moment with me, just like we got through all the others!"

He grips the gun tighter and starts to pull it back towards his head again, barely getting the mumbling words out of his dying breaths, "But we can't love each other Bailey. We don't know how. I can't love you, I don't love myself. I don't love how I treated you, I don't love how I forced you to do things, I don't love that I manipulated, I don't love that I sabotaged your life, I don't love ANYTHING about me and what I did to you!"

He presses the gun back up to his head, avoiding making any sort of eye contact with me once again.

At this moment, I lose all control, "DANIEL! STOP IT PLEASE GIVE THAT THING TO ME! I BEG YOU!"

"This is the only way to stop everyone's pain. I have become everyone's problem so I know this is the right choice even if it doesn't seem so to you," There is a slight pause, an uncontrollable shake as he lifts his head to look me in the eyes deeply, a weak and shameful, but loving smile appears on his face. He looks back down in a defeated manner, but I can still see his mind racing, I'm holding onto hope at this point. There's not much more I can do unless I want to hurt myself, or even worse kill myself instead, in the process. 

I don't know how, but his voice for his last sentence was so smooth and perfect to understand while I have watched the color of his skin fade away completely. One last tear escaped from his eye and down his cheek before saying, "I love you Bailey, I'm sorry for everything, but I made my decision... and I'm sorry to add this onto your trauma too."

Bang.