The Dancer's Daughter (1D)

Chapter Thirty

Life slowly went back to normal. As soon as I was allowed to leave the hospital, we caught a flight back to London. Simon gave the boys a month off to help me get better, and then we'd be on the road again. Skylar went back to New York, but I intended to fly her out here when the month was over. I didn't know if I'd be joining the boys again or not. Simon had not talked to me about what would happen now that I wasn't completely healthy.

Zayn had finally managed to convince me to talk to Beth. She'd flown out on a seperate flight, three days after we got back. I hadn't seen my goddaughter yet, and I was about to correct that. Zayn's house was a fair distance from Beth's so I was driving. Actually... I hadn't told anyone that I was leaving or where I was going. This should be an interesting day.

And then it was time for me to turn onto Beth's street. But... I turned the other way without even thinking about it. She could wait just a little bit longer. I had a promise to keep. I pulled into the supermarket parking lot and walked back to the cemetery silently. Sitting down on my mother's grave, I let my tears loose.

"So much has happened. Why didn't you tell me you aren't my real mum? Why would you keep that from me? I wouldn't have loved you any less. It changed my entire childhood, not that I think you'd care. Beth told me everything. And now, finally, so much about you makes sense. Why you threw yourself into dance, why Dad let all of this shit happen. But still! I thought you cared about me! I thought you loved me, I thought I was your daughter!

"I haven't talked to her yet. She told me that and I kind of freaked out. I pretended to be okay and I hugged her and let her leave... and then I didn't talk to her again. Now, after she'd asked me to be her daughter's godmother, I found out she'll actually be my sister. Actually... I wonder if I'm even qualified to be her godmother anymore... Her name is Annissa. I've seen a picture, and she actually looks a bit like I did. I'm not sure how I never noticed how much I looked like Beth. I mean, we have the same hair color, same facial structure... I see more of her in myself than I ever saw of you. I should have guessed it...

"I can't hate her. Just like I can't hate you. You're family, both of you. Even if one of you was never related to me. I'm not sure who I cared for more... No, I'm not going to think like that. I'm not going to let myself sink further into depression. See, I was in a coma for five months, which is why it took me so long to make it here again. And I had a dream while I was sleeping.

"I was pregnant, Mum. I was going to have a little boy, Christopher James Malik. I had it all planned, and I was scared. But I was excited. I wanted him. Honestly, that feeling never went away, even if I found out the child is actually one of my best friend's. Eleanor is having a son named Christopher James. He was never mine. He was never mine!

"The other part of the dream I can't understand is... two of the other guys kissed me. Liam kissed me to figure something out, but then Louis... I can't figure out why my subconscious would make me think he'd kiss me for any reason. He and Eleanor weren't having any problems that I know of... although... Oh. I wonder if when that happened, Eleanor had just told him about the baby. Maybe he really did kiss me, or I picked up on it and tried to help him in my mind since I couldn't in real life. And I decided the best way to show him he loved her was to prove that he wasn't attracted to anyone else? I don't know, I'll drive myself crazy trying to figure out what goes on in my mind.

"But the point is, it was stress that put me in the coma. Stress, and hitting my head really hard on the floor. And you were the cause of my stress. I can not for the life of me understand why you kept such a huge secret! And then you banned my real mother from telling me anything! I guess a saving point is taking that ban away when you knew you were dying. Did you tell her in person or leave her a letter after you were dead? And if you left her a letter, why didn't you leave one for me? I don't understand you at all, really.