What Hurts The Most

The NEXT one

Chapter Eight:

I had slept two days in a row, it was the depression that made me sleep for that long. It was Monday and I was supposed to go to school. I dragged myself out of bed ever so sadly. I had cut little squares of my grey hoodie to remember Jeremy. I put one in my pocket of my  jeans and another in my red hoodie. I grabbed my phone and sent a text to Jeremy’s phone, “I’ll never forget you, just remember that.”

I walked outside and stayed at the bus stop, I wasn’t willing to walk the same way me and Jeremy used to, and I didn’t know another way. It was 6:45 when the bus arrived, I stepped on and the bus driver looked at me and said, “I'm sorry for your loss, Jeremy was a good man.” I nodded my head and storm clouds gathered in my eyes again, I sat down and Corey was on the bus, he sat next to me and the storm clouds in my eyes started to rain silently. He looked at me and said, “It will get better.”

“I don’t think it will Corey.”

“You won’t know until it does.”

“Then I guess I won’t know.”

Sadness overcame my life, I closed my eyes and I saw all the beautiful memories for our short amount of time, I guess Jeremy was wrong, even though I sacrificed everything that made me breathe,I only had a short amount of beautiful memories. We were at the school building. I wasn’t ready to walk the same steps that had Jeremy’s bloodstains on them. My tears were also stained on those steps. I was all of a sudden the weakest person on the planet and I wasn’t getting any stronger, I was just falling harder onto the ground. The way my heart sunk when I stared at the door just like I did on the first day of school gave me cold chills. The only thing different was, Jeremy wasn’t there to whisper a joke in my ear that would make me comfortable to go inside. I stared at the door for at least a good thirty minutes, but once the school bell rung, I walked in with tears on my face with mascara stains on my cheeks. I walked in to class and Ms. Lovett saw me, “Carrie, would you please read your writing assignment aloud. I wasn’t ready but I did it anyways, the class stared at me with pity. I read my piece on my loose leaf that Jeremy gave me:

To be honest, I’m not a very happy person. How could I when I live in a world of chaos  and sadness. I don’t make many friends easily at all, infact my closest friend is no longer in this room… I had tsunami tides in my eyes. … The way we meet our friends is kind of strange. Maybe that’s why I can’t make any. Maybe our world is the strange thing  and  I’m the normal. Nobody ever understands me anymore. It’s not that I don’t have a high self esteem, it’s that I don’t fit in with no particular group…  I started choking up while I was reading, and finally said, “Excuse me Ms.Lovett, I can’t do this. I glanced the room, one girl who looked like she resembled Jeremy started applauding, “Come on Carrie, you can do it.” I wiped my seas away and tried to read some more. … life is kinda funny, we laugh when people live,  we cry when people die, and then we forget all of our memories that we had with each other .  I'm not  like that, I will never forget my memories with my past loved ones,  because life is too short to complicate because we could live to be 103, 57, or 17. I will forever be me because, I can. I will not listen to the hate, because my life is already filled with self-hate from recent events occuring and I can not afford to let more hate break me.

That was the end of my paper, and many people applauded but I was not concerned about the amount of the applause I received from my class,  I was concerned of the empty desk to my right. That empty desk reminded me of all of the good, bad, and future memories we wouldn’t have. I went back to the past and remembered everything from the rock hitting the bottom corner of my window, to the incident with the car. I could be dead right now, and I wasn’t because of Jeremy. Looking at that empty desk made me remember everything, I remembered everything I shouldn’t of said, and all the things I should’ve said. I remembered the moment he squeezed my hand and closed his eyes and took his pain away.  I'm glad his pain is away, but I wish I didn’t have it.I felt every moment of pain we had together, the monster named depression possesed me and it was all my fault. I could have died, for Jeremy. I could have been the one that didn’t make it when the ambulance. I could have done so much more, and do everything so much better. The sadness overcame me, and everyone else just watched. I then knew what depression felt like, it was like drowning and nobody was there to help, they were just there to tell you ,”Learn how to swim.” It was my fault Jeremy was dead right? Was it my fault or was I keeping something from myself? I was sure to find out in the next life, when Jeremy and I were side by side, hand by hand, with our battlescars covering our hearts.