From Thoughts to Paper

Entry 39

I never really know my friends.

I almost cried just now. My parents are yelling at me for having bad grades. You want to guess what they told me was the most important thing right now? My grades. Not my feelings or personal problems that could potentially kill me, but my grades– Right after god that is.

I'm sure a lot of people think I'm smart and that A's come easily to me. They don't. My parents are just now telling me about how low my grades are; before that they were talking of college.

The only question they asked me that's related to my emotions is probably,"How are you feeling?" or maybe,"How was your day?" That small talk.

I am seen as someone who doesn't give a f**k about the world. I am seen as smart and athletic and almost overly happy. Never have I been viewed as the depressed kid who would give anything just to be left alone. That won't happen though. Too many people see me as their friend to leave me alone.

Not many people are actually my friend. Everyone thinks I have tons of friends, but I could probably name all of my friends on one hand. Four of them know what street I live on. Two of them know which ones my house. None of them feel my stress.

One has strict parents, but they care about her emotions.

One has friendly parents, but they know where to draw the line.

One has a feeling that they have no parents at all. She kind of understands.

One has parents who constantly ground her for seemingly nothing.

The final one has parents who thinks of her future, but no to give her independence. She kind of understands too.

So take my friends' parents and squish them together to make my parents. They care about my future so much that they don't see me in the present. They are never around enough to talk to me, so I feel as though I almost don't have any. My parents enjoy grounding me, even when they don't think I'm the culprit. They are strict. Rules are rules and they rarely change. I guess they're friendly. To other people. I literally see my mom roll her eyes before opening the door to a friend's parent. But she'll be nice. She's good at hiding her emotions. I think that's where I get it from.

So maybe life does suck. But I don't want to say that when there are kids who don't even have their parents. Then again, I don't think I have any either.