My life as it pasts by <3

11.12.13 <3

As I sit here and watch each day past; I realise everybody has a side to them that they never want to expose. The aggressive side, the fun side and the really I just don’t care side; People won’t change because they don’t live up-to YOUR expectations, people will listen to the nonsense they receive, they will say things like “nah, I don’t care about what you or the others think” or “yeah you’re only saying that because your jealous of this hunk” There’s just a few chances out of a million that the pupils listening to your nonsense are most probably sitting at home, remembering word by word you said, the words coming out of your mouth that is crushing their soul, waiting for somebody to care, waiting for someone to ask but yet they know if someone asks, they will have tears running down their faces and I’m pretty sure you have come across this phase. Now, now stop lying to yourself.

In life you slowly have to find your real friends and your fake ones, the real ones are the ones who will call your mum their mum too; your real friends will just open that cupboard of yours for food, bust through that house door and yet be very welcomed. The fake ones well just will come and go.  This is today, which some may call the past, tomorrow will be a surprise for some; tomorrow morning you will wake up and find yourself awake. Things change, people change and we, we’ll just have to accept that.

12.12.13

Losing battles, winning battles, it’s not the matter of winning or losing, it’s the way we lose and win. Something I tend to tell myself every day, because every day I wake up to something I’m not looking forward to, each night I tell myself, living in this hell of a crazy place is worth it, I’ll be standing in the same spot years after congratulating myself, thanking God that he’s guided me there. Without all these people talking crap about me behind my back, I wouldn’t define who I am today. I have won so many battles and the ones I lose, I call them mistakes, mistakes I will learn from and without mistakes I wouldn’t have met so many kind hearted people. During the journey, I’ve met people I never want to let go, that’s including guys too.

The date 4.12.12, I started a relationship with a guy who I had fantasised for a while, it was the very last few weeks of school and I hadn’t realised, I was to focused on what the outcome would be between him and I. During the last few weeks, I was going through a rough patch with my so called friends; I spent all the time I could with him. He was then everything to me. After school ended, I would cry myself each night to bed, tell my closest friends sob stories, I would hope and pray to God, asking God to let me see him, asking God to let me speak to him, even it was for the very last time. I had cried myself to bed every night roughly for 8 months. Everything hit me, I wasn’t going to see him ever again or speak to ever again, because he would have moved and I was right, he did. But even though I kept telling myself “nah that’s impossible, we planned our future together even” I stopped all the crying and over thinking.

 13.12.13

The night before I stare at my reflection in the mirror; questioning myself; telling myself that living this horrible nightmare is worth it. Wondering if anything else matters besides all this hurt although I am happy but I am lost. I hate having to choose, I hate being between all the lies and hate, I hate having to live through something I don’t want to. 

The morning I wake up, I erase all those haunting thoughts, I smile and say hello world once again.

How is everyone else doing? How do others live through this phase? I may be depressed or I’ve just said it a lot for me to get use to telling people I’m depressed. I’m nothing but lost.

8:52pm

 I don’t know whether to be happy or sad that the closer Christmas gets, the more afraid I become. Will next year be the same as this year or will it be better? Will I be this same person I am today? Time stops before you know it.  Even though I feel like I’m about to give up, I know that there are some people who well, accept me for who I am or even the ones who are slowly getting use to my imperfections. 

 14.12.13

*scenario*

A girl recently had fallen from a misunderstanding relationship. Starts to talk to a guy who fancied her, a guy who was good with his words, she obviously didn’t know how he was like, he was guy who knocking on her doorstep, she took the chance and sadly couldn’t move on from her ‘misunderstanding relationship’ After ending the relationship with him, she couldn’t stand being alone, she took him back and ended it again. She was lost...

                                                                                                                               And sadly that girl is me.

15.12.13

As I am slowly getting used to the fact of me being a selfish bitch. Pushing everyone away who really cared but at this moment I didn’t want anybody to care, I just wanted to cut and stop myself from overthinking. When I do want people to care nobody really plays their part. Am I that complicated? Am I over rated? I’ve been under estimated by too many people by far.

Yet I have come so far, lost so many battles, made so many mistakes, I’d love to say I learnt from the mistakes but sadly I’m left with nothing but a bucket of hatred for myself. 

16.12.13

 By far I’ve noticed in life that there won’t be anyone who would like the exact same things as you, they either lie to you about it or just is another faker. There may be cruel people out there who would use you, scam you and betray you. Well nearly everyone in this world has broken a rule and regretted it.  For a moment you were going to lie to yourself weren’t you and say “pshhh, nope I haven’t broken a rule” for sure you maybe haven’t but bet you’ve told a white lie.

                                                            God for saken’ get over yourself. Stop being such a hypocrite. 

17.12.13

 I really can’t make my own decisions no more, I can’t really be independent as I wish I could and it’s supposed to be the ‘holidays’. I should be out, hanging with friends and yet I’m sitting at home slaving around for people. Helping out, siblings call it. I’m just so fed up with being a ‘go to’ person when he/she’s feeling lazy. I have my own shit to do too. The world doesn’t revolve around you.

I’m afraid I’m suffering from anxiety. I do panic a lot. I feel like I’m not worth all the courage and love ‘he’s’ given me. I took it to the point where I lashed out at him for caring too much and yet he doesn’t know me. He knows my name not my phases of depression. Just would he would stop pretending.

4:00am – 5:00am

I lay in bed crying, thinking about my old life, wanting it back so bad and not having to think about what others thought. I can’t let them know that I’m not that ‘rich’ kid. Not like anybody thinks of me like that. I haven’t slept. I’m hungry. I’m still sitting here over thinking. What if everybody ends up leaving me? I’d rather die before any of my family members do.

 I am in so much pain, pain that is unexplainable. Is it anxiety? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Help. 

30/01/2014

It has been a while since the last time i wrote, i still feel crap, no need to be but i'm not sure anymore.

I got asked a question "it sucks to be hurt, right?  yes it sucks to be hurt. it sucks. because you're forever worrying about what happens next. you are forever scared and forever fearing to be around unknown people.  It sucks because nobody really hears to what you have to say. It sucks because you feel hopeless and worthless. sucks to cry yourself to bed at night. sucks to lock yourself in your room for hours without anybody noticing because you do it all the time and they think its normal. sucks to have nobody to talk to and yet that one person you talk to turns their back on you and tells the whole world or that other one person you never wanted to know. sucks to actually believe someone and then watch them treat you like rubbish. i'm the person i am today because i am fucking hurting. quit judging. k go away. 

yes i smile my way around. yes i laugh like an idiotic but please note that behind every smile is an hidden story. and theres mine </3

wow, i don't write much happy things do i. well care. <3