drown (joshler)

part eleven

once again josh found himself lost in an unfamiliar walmart. no longer looking for produce, but a notebook and writing utensils. tyler needed them because he didn't have anything to write in, and it's not like josh was gonna say no. it was around 5:30 AM, the dawn light creeping over the city as josh drove down the pot hole filled streets. he surveyed the faces that he saw, early risers on their way to work, drivers that seemed to be headed no where in particular, and the homeless, forever searching for a fortune often only metaphorical.
josh quickly headed into the hospital, knowing that tyler would be awake.
"one notebook and a package of mechanical pencils for one tyler robert joseph!" josh announced as he swung open the heavy door to room 3009.
tyler rolled his eyes and huffed fondly, voice not quite working after a screaming match he had with one of his doctors. the doctor claimed that tyler would never be able to fully walk again after the physical endurance he put himself through, but tyler strongly disagreed. josh's voice was only a little sore from trying to calm both tyler and the doctor down.
josh plopped the notebook and pencils down, and almost immediately tyler scrambled for the items. he ran his hand over the leather cover to the journal, and twisted the mechanical pencils in his hand.
thank you, tyler mouthed inaudibly.
"anything for my number one writer." josh saluted back.
tyler was a different "number one" thing to josh every day, just because it was something to cheer tyler up. like how yesterday, just before his doctor walked in the room, tyler stated that he would forever prefer celery over people, so tyler was josh's "number one stalk of celery". tyler took extreme amusement towards that one.
tyler rolled his eyes at josh's remark and began writing immediately. josh sat at the end of tyler's bed and watched him write for a while before tyler eventually dozed off with his notebook still open on his lap. josh picked up the notebook and closed it, putting it on his bedside table and sitting back down next to tyler.
he watched tyler sleep (and not in a creepy way, josh said to himself), his sides rising and falling with each strained breath. josh adored the way tyler slept, hands curled up to his face, and usually drooling a bit. tyler always seemed more at peace when he slept. josh hopes he had good dreams.
when josh came back to the room after getting a drink, tyler was talking in his sleep.
"not worth a thing," he whispered to himself as he shook in bed. "you're not worth a thing."
josh furrowed his brows and walked towards his bed.
"garbage!" tyler yelled as he flung up in bed. he sat fully up, hunched over and looking down at his hands. "you're garbage and that's all you'll ever be!" tyler repeated as he shook more.
"garbage, garbage, garbage.." he whispered as josh softly shook his shoulders until he regained consciousness. tears had already formed in tyler's eyes, and when he looked over at josh they came flowing down his face.
"tyler," josh whispered. "are you okay? what happened?"
tyler looked around his room, still shaking and confused. "i-i.." he paused. "i dreamt that my dad was here..." he paused. "he was screaming at me."
"oh my god," josh said as he wiped tyler's tears off his soft cheek with his thumb. "that's awful, ty."
tyler nodded and tilted his head into josh's hand.
"you're okay now, you're safe," josh said as he took tyler's hand and climbed into the bed. "i'm here, you're safe."
tyler quietly sobbed into josh's shoulder, muttering "garbage", "faggot", and other insults josh imagined tyler had heard from his father. josh cursed tyler's father for doing this to him.
"hey," josh whispered, rubbing his hand up and down tyler's thin, cold arm. "shh, you're safe now tyler. i'm here, you're okay."
tyler sighed into josh's shoulder. his grip on josh's hand tightened, and he put his other arm loosely around josh's side. he let silent tears soak into josh's sweater, tyler knew he didn't mind. tyler's inner dialogue told him to scream, to rip off the IV needles, to sprint out of this hospital and never, ever look back. tyler knew he couldn't do that to josh. josh loved him, he said so. josh ran his thumb over tyler's fingers, and softly played with his hand in an effort to calm him down. tyler's sobs slowed to a quiet cry, and eventually came to a stop. he didn't fall back asleep and neither did josh, though. they sat in a comfortable silence and watched the snow fall silently through the window on the street. the morning light shone through in the dark room, and pressed light shadows onto the hospital bed. the soft, winter light illuminated tyler's pale skin, and revealed the red bruises on his knuckles and joints. josh adored the way tyler looked, no matter what kind of mental state he was in. tyler could be screaming his lungs out and josh's stomach would still drop when they made eye contact.
"josh..." tyler whispered after a while.
"yes tyler?"
"why.." he paused. "why do you love me?"
josh didn't respond. he was confused.
"why would you love someone like me? you have anyone in the world to love, why me?" tyler said, a little louder this time.
"because," josh said, resting his head on tyler's. "when i look at you, i don't see the suicidal boy that everyone else does? it's kinda hard to explain." josh paused and furrowed his brows. "when i look at you, i see your true potential. i see the boy that rolls his eyes at my stupid jokes, i see the boy that plays piano on his knees, i see the boy that writes, i see the boy that prefers celery over human beings." tyler huffed out a laugh. "i see the boy with pale skin and hairless legs and brown hair and brown eyes and soft cheeks and a fantastic mind, i see the boy that's struggled for so long and still stayed in this shitty hospital in a shitty city." josh played with tyler's hand some more. he lifted it up, and pressed it up against his mouth.
"i just don't understand why you even stay here." tyler finally said.
"maybe it's because my only family is still here," he said, rubbing his thumb over his fingers and softly kissing each one. "it's not like i'm just gonna leave you here tyler."
"i love you, joshua."
"i love you too, tyler." josh lifted his head and pressed a kiss on tyler's cheek. they pressed their foreheads together, and josh held one side of tyler's side.
"can i.." josh paused and looked at tyler's lips. "can i do something?"
"like?" tyler asked, looking at josh with innocent eyes.
josh ran his thumb over tyler's lips before he leaned in and connected their lips together. the kiss sent warm shocks down tyler's spine, a feeling of electricity tyler had never felt before. josh was at a state of extreme relaxation, kissing tyler made him feel safe, it made him feel like a whole person for the first time since his mother passed away.
the kiss broke, both smiling as they pulled away. josh pressed small kisses all over tyler's lips as he laughed, feeling almost joyful for the first time in his life.
"i am utterly in love with you, tyler joseph." josh said in between kisses.
tyler laughed again. "i am utterly in love with you, joshua dun."