Colors (bxb) [DISCONTINUED]

honeymoon avenue

"You know how to drive in rain, and you decided not to make a change. Stuck in the same old lane, going the wrong way home."

🔵🔴⚫️⚪️🔘

The bell rings.

I jolt awake, the yellow flashing in my eyes, causing a sharp sting of pain to attack my brain. Ow . . .

Wincing at the soft ache, I rub my blurry eyes and wipe the spit off my cheek. Yuck, I think, tiredly. Could you be any more disgusting, Kris?

History is over. Everyone is quickly exiting the classroom, their voices fading away as they merge into the mess that is the hallway. Ms. Duval is sitting at her desk, eyes closed, slowly rubbing her temples. She looks almost as exhausted as I feel. Which is good, because now I won't have to hear her repetitive scoldings about sleeping during her lessons. I still wait for the day when she'll just accept the fact that I will never, ever care about anything she has to say.

Wow. Someone's already in a harsh mood. I snort at the thought. Maybe now I won't silently let two girls attack me in front of an entire class. Maybe now I won't bite my tongue - and actually give them a piece of my mind.

But do you really want to do that?

. . . I don't know. That's the problem. Everything has become so muddled and complicated, including my actual feelings. I don't hate Ava and Tamara. Sometimes, when I'm in my darkest of moods, I may feel like I hate them - and everyone else who has wronged me. But at the end of the day, I really don't. If I could hate people that easily, I wouldn't have any friends to begin with. I wouldn't even have a family.

But I'm not at all happy with them, with anyone.

I don't even know how to feel about what Ava said. There's a part of me that wants to call her crazy, that wants to disregard her words entirely. But then there's a part of me that understands exactly what she's talking about. As soon as Justin came to Riverwood, things did change between Ava and I. She used to be one of the only good things about coming to this damned school - and suddenly, I had someone even better to look forward to. He took her seat in both Calculus and Spanish. He even redirected my attention from her in PE, for obvious reasons. I can see how she'd feel replaced.

But . . . But it's not entirely my fault. I refuse to believe that. If she felt like I was neglecting her, she could've talked to me about it. We could've fixed the issue before it even really started. Instead, she decided to somehow retaliate by hanging with a girl she knows I don't like, decided to change up her entire image, and then start pushing me out of her life. Communication is a two-way street, after all. If I'm at fault, then so is she.

If there's going to be any chance for forgiveness, we're both going to have to identify our mistakes. And own up to them.

Then there's Tamara. Her misguided delusions about my feelings towards her are more depressing than irritating. It's depressing that my problematic sexuality can be the one thing stopping a relationship that could've-been. It's depressing that she feels such a way about me, when I could never feel that way about her. And couldn't I relate to her, in a way? I like Justin. I like Justin a lot more than I should. If I suddenly started flirting with him, and he gave no indication that he completely hated it . . . I'd feel hurt, too, if he suddenly came to school with a hickey on his neck.

And maybe that'd be my fault, for letting my wistful thinking blind me from reality. Maybe it is solely Tamara's fault. But I can't hate her for it. I can't. Emotions are hard to explain, hard to control. Going off on me in front of the entire class was a bit extra - but I can't honestly say that I wouldn't have done the same.