Born Wicked

XXXV

It's amazing how the sun can be so harsh. The morning doesn't make any of what I've done any better. In fact, in the harsh light of day, it's all so much worse. I can see myself clearly and I don't like the person staring back at me.

I finish brushing my teeth and stomp out of the bathroom.

Dressed, shoes, and an old jacket –I left all my things at school. I rush down the stairs a half hour earlier than usual and grab some toast. Gran is still upstairs, I can hear her moving through the floor. I scribble a note that I left early and sneak out the front door.

I have two goals this morning. One, is to avoid an awful morning-after with Julian. The walk of shame to my door last night was bad enough. The second is, I have an English paper to finish and Calculus homework that needs my attention.

I stop at the gas station, just beyond the residential area surrounding Gallows Hill Park, and buy a coffee. I have another half hour to go before I'll be at school. I take small sips of the hot brewy goodness and step out into the day I want so desperately to avoid.

He's kissed me twice. I kissed him back. Twice.

I groan. I've been obsessing since I got home. It starts the same way every time. I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I like Ethan, Ethan likes me. Julian hates me? Wants me? Likes me?

And then it all collapses. Because as soon as I try to wrap my mind around it, I inevitably end up back at the moment he kissed me. And then, the things I invariably feel just get weird.

I feel his hands in my hair. I feel the wanting of so many lost things. I feel the moment his lips touched mine. I feel the hurt behind his eyes. I feel the part of the story where it's Julian and it's me and it's so goddamned impossible that I just know I'm wasting my time. I just know it.

Because there is a lie in there somewhere. It's all the times he walked past me in a hallway like he could see right through me. It's all the seconds in tenth grade biology, when no one wanted to be my lab partner for the whole semester and he stepped up, so no one else would have to. It was the longest class that year, spent in agonizing silence.

It's the times he stood there when Blythe hurled insult after insult in my direction. Those fistful of minutes I ever got stuck alone with Shane...

Somehow, there's a red Porsche idling in the intersection. He isn't even in the damn car. He's leaning against the driver's side door with his hands in his pockets and his ankles crossed, like he hasn't a care in the world.

His hair is rebelling today, swaying in the breeze, all wild curls and golden. He is surprisingly tame in comparison. He face is a blank mask as he watches me. His eyes though. They are a different story. Two buckets of the ocean during a hurricane.

They're alive, flashing with lightning bolts of pure, raw irritation.

"We have to stop meeting like this," I say with a smile. "People might think you're stalking me, Jules."

He rolls his eyes. "Are you done?"

I snort inelegantly and scowl at him. "Not even close. I'm a little put out to see you here."

This catches him off guard if the height his eyebrows achieve is any indication. "Really? And why is that, Jayme?"

I shrug, offhand. "I'm not gonna lie to you, Jules, last night was God awful. I figured I'd duck out and avoid you completely," I pause, taking a sip of coffee, "which is tough when you can just cut off my walk at any point with your shiny, red car. Kinda makes you an asshole, Julian."