If Not For You

Chapter 9

The party went on into the early morning.  Ben didn’t get another chance at Jenna alone, although he knew that she didn’t have any alone time with Killer either.  A group of them eventually made their way around the table for a drinking game and she sat next to Killer and across from Ben.  Jax and Lena eventually made their way back to the party and the girls went off to the den.  By the time Ben had to get going to return to the hell that was his home, Killer had already left.

                Since he had been gone for a few days, Ben entered the door cautiously, trying to feel out the vibe before revealing his return.  He could hear his mom in the kitchen baking which was a good sign.  He went into the kitchen and sat at the bar. 

                “How have you been?  I haven’t seen you in a while.”  His mother said with a weak smile.  Ben loved his mother she was kind and gentle, but a part of him despised her.  Not only for letting a man treat her the way she allowed Ben’s father to treat her, but also for her to allow him to treat her children the way he does.  He really didn’t know too much about her outside of being his mom.  He barely remembered his maternal grandparents.  They had died when he was still young.  He didn’t remember them as warm and loving.  They were harsh and cold.  He couldn’t imagine what his mother’s childhood had been like, although she didn’t try to make his any better.

                He knew she tried the best she could with what she could, but when he was younger he would pray every night before bed that she would wake him in the night and they would sneak out into the night and leave this place behind them.  Every night he would pack a little bag of all the things he didn’t want to leave behind, all though he would leave it all if he could never have to come back.  When he was about 10 he finally gave up praying.  He assumed that there couldn’t be a God, because the God he had learned about in church would never have allowed this to happen.  And if there were a God he clearly then had simply forgotten about him.

                Ben’s mom went into the microwave and pulled out a stack of pancakes and bacon that were left over from the breakfast she had prepared earlier in the morning.  Ben could tell by the atmosphere that his father wasn’t home.  He had stopped asking about his father’s where abouts when he was 12.  He really didn’t care where he was as long as he wasn’t there.  And his mother had no say in the matter that there was no point to ask her when he would be back.  If he even bothered to inform her where he was going he never felt required to follow any other timeline other than his own.  It seemed as long as the bills were paid there wasn’t anything else to know.

                Ben finished eating and changed into old clothes and went outside to get to work.  Other than going inside around 130 for a sandwich he spent the whole day doing yard work outside.  He finally came in after dark.  He took a long hot shower and mentally prepared himself for whatever may happen.  It was around 930 and his old man wasn’t home yet.  He debated whether to make a break for it or not.  He knew that he was going to get hell if he wasn’t home tonight but depending where his dad had been and in what condition he is when he gets home, he may be catching hell regardless.

                He sat down next to his mother on the couch and they sat there staring at the television, doubtfully either one of them was actually watching.  About an hour later the door opened.  Ben could sense his mother holding her breath.  They were both relieved when David came into the room.  He had a pint of cookies and cream that he handed to his mother.  That was not a good sign.  Back when they were younger and their parents would get into altercations, the boys would sneak out of the house and walk a few miles to the 24 hour convenient store.  They would go there and buy the most they could with what little amount of money they had so they could stay there as long as it took.  After a while they got to know the cashiers on a first name basis.  The workers would keep a stock pile of bags of chips, candy bars, and other snacks that they had to write off for the kids.

                When they finally had to leave to go back home David would always grab a pint of their mother’s favorite ice cream.  It usually worked out because she would first put the cold carton against her black and blue skin and then when it was all melted she would sit there and eat it.  At first they felt as though they were super heroes, coming home to heal their mother but after a while Ben just found the patheticness of it all.  Clearly his mother at one point had to realize that her children were walking alone in the dark at all hours of the day, but all she could see from it was the comfort they were providing her.  Never would she think of the protection she should be providing for them.

                Ben felt as though he dodged a bullet and went down to his room to go to bed.  A few hours later he could hear a car pull up.  Whoever it was that his dad had been with was dropping him off.  In what condition he didn’t know.  He rolled over and tried to go back to sleep.  He immediately heard angry words and shuffling but nothing being broken.   After a few minutes the house was quiet again.  Ben figured that either everything was fine or someone was dead, either way it’ll all be there in the morning.  He eventually lulled back to sleep.

                The next morning Ben heard pots and pans being slammed around in the kitchen.   He got up and got dressed and walked up stairs to see what was going on now.   When Ben entered the kitchen he immediately spotted his mother in the corner trying to blend into the cupboard.  There wasn’t any blood which was a good sign.  His father was yelling throwing pans of food into the sink.  He was hollering at his wife calling her every name in the book .  From what Ben could gather was his mother burnt his father’s breakfast.  He turned to leave the room.  When there was nothing else there was always an endless pile of wood to split.  Ben went outside to the pile of wood and grabbed an axe.  He worked out his anger in life out on that pile of wood.  He imagined the wood was his father and all he wanted to do was cut him into little pieces.  They had a wood stove and his father’s theory was why should he buy wood when he had sons.  Every now and then piles of wood just appeared into the back of the house.  Ben and his brothers would cut all year round to make sure there was enough for the winter.

                Ben dragged the wood he had just chopped on a tarp and pulled them across the yard towards the shed where they stacked it.  As he was stacking the wood his mind went to Jenna.  He hadn’t thought of her at all today.  His life got in the way.  He thought of her and how she felt when he was kissing her.  He wasn’t sure why she didn’t want to give him a chance.  He knew who he was.   Before he could get too deep in thought Ben’s father came out of the house and was heading right for him.   Ben’s father had a list of menial tasks he wanted Ben and David to do.  He stood “supervising” his sons work yelling at them.  Finding something wrong with everything they did.  Constantly tearing them down.  Ben never really could understand how somebody could hate themselves so much that they only wanted to destroy.