If Not For You

Chapter 33

Ben pulled into his driveway and put the car in park.  He left it running.  Lucas had just called.  He could hear his mother hysterical in the background.  He couldn’t remember how long it’s been since he has heard her cry like that.  It must be bad.  “Just stay here okay.”  He hated having to even bring her here but from what he heard and from what Lucas said, he wouldn’t have had enough time to take her anywhere.

Jenna shook her head to agree to stay in the car, not because she wanted to but because whatever it was Ben was going to face in there he didn’t need her arguing with him.  He needed to know that she was safe and it scared her to think of what might be going on inside that house.

Ben pushed open the front door.  The first thing he saw was bloody hand prints on the wall.  That was not the first time he saw something like that.  The first time the kids got off the bus and walked into the house and saw this they couldn’t sleep for weeks.  In the end there wasn’t much of an altercation to speak of but that image replayed itself every time they closed their eyes.  It is very haunting and traumatizing to see something like that. 

He walked past the bloodied wall and went into the kitchen where he heard voices.  Jackie was sitting at the table with her arms around Ben’s mother.  “What the hell do you mean you aren’t coming with us?”  Lucas had no sympathy in his voice.  Ben could only take a few steps into the room before the floors became puddled with blood.  Ben looked at his mother and saw her split lip and swollen eye.  There was a bloody bandage around her hands.  Lucas’ voice was dripping with frustration.  He turned to Ben.  “Where the hell have you been?  You just disappear for days.  You know this is your fault.”

Ben wasn’t taking that lying down.  “It’s my fault?  It’s my fault dad slapped her around?”

“Yes, it is your fault, if you were here…”  Lucas couldn’t even finish his accusation before Ben was setting up his defense.

“If I was here then that would be my blood on the floor and not mom’s.”  Ben knew by Lucas’ reaction that not only was that the rest of Lucas’ sentence but that he also realized how shitty of a thing it was for him to say.  “Why should it be mine Lucas?  Why not yours?  Why not David’s?  You left us.  You left me.”  Lucas looked over the puddles.

“I did my time little brother.  My blood already was spilled.  I couldn’t stay here and protect mom, I had to protect Jackie.  Maybe someday you will get that.   You have no idea what it’s like to love someone more than yourself.”  Lucas spat.

“How would you know anything about me?  You left and didn’t look back.  She created this hell.  She loved someone more than she loved herself and she loved him more than her children.” Ben knew his words were hurtful but he didn’t care.   He could hear his mom sobbing louder.

“Ben that is not helping.”  Jackie looked up at Ben, still holding his mother.

“I don’t care.  I don’t care if that’s not helping.  The truth hurts.  She never helped me.  She never got him to stop.  If you don’t like the truth mom then change it.”  Ben took a step closer to her.  “Do you know what hurts more than the truth?  Your father throwing you against a wall when you’re six, your father trying to choke you when you’re seven.  Broken bones, cuts, and bruises, those all hurt.  But do you know what hurts more, mom?”  He said the word mom like it tasted bitter.  “Having the person who is supposed to love and protect you stand by and allow it.”  Ben couldn’t even tell if she even understood what he was saying.  “You allowed that monster to make our lives a nightmare.  You deserve everything you get.”

Ben was looking on his mother’s face for any emotion, but she was just blank.  He looked at Jackie’s face and noticed that she was looking past him.  He turned around and saw Jenna standing there.  This was something that he never wanted her to see.  This was a world that she shouldn’t have to know about.  Ben was at Jenna’s side in a moment.  “Jenna, you should’ve stayed in the car.”  He spoke softly and watched her as she was taking in the whole scene.