If Not For You

Chapter 28

When she came out of the bathroom Ben’s heart immediately skipped a beat.  She was wearing a pair of boxers and a tank top.  Ben knew that she wasn’t trying to be sexy, which was mostly why she was.  She sat down on the bed and showed Ben the empty flask.

“Well I guess I’m going to try to join the land of the living.  I can’t make any guarantees.  It may turn out that I am a super bitch.  It’s really a crapshoot at this point.”  She shrugged her shoulders and laughed.  Ben knew that was a good sign.

He held the flask in his hand.  It was tarnished and it seemed to have an inscription on it.  “Where did you get this from?”  He was trying to make out what it said.

“I got it from my grandfather.”  She reached out and touched it gingerly.

“Your grandfather gave you a flask?”  He was surprised.  How did she even have a chance at life if she was getting flasks from grownups?

Jenna laughed again.  “No, he didn’t give it to me.  He died when I was 12.  He was the best part of my life.  He was really amazing.  He was gentle and warm.  I would spend the summers with him and my grandmother.  She was different then too.”  Jenna smiled remembering.  “He was the best part of her too. Paul spent most of his time with us then.  When my pap died I think she died too.  She just gave up and became bitter.  She gave him the flask when they were dating.  He wasn’t a drinker.  He worked in the coal mines and in the winter it got very cold.  They were allowed to take shots to keep warm.”

Ben looked at it.  It was as if this piece of metal was the only thing keeping Jenna together.  He found the irony in the fact that what was inside the metal was also the thing keeping Jenna together all these years.

“When he died everybody took what they wanted.  Paul’s mom made sure he got something to remember him by, all my other cousin’s parents made sure they had something that they tucked away for when they got older so they could remember him.  My mom got what she wanted but I got nothing.”  She felt her eyes well up.  “They were going through all his stuff.  There was a box with his old work clothes that I was supposed to carry out to the porch for the salvation army and I tripped and fell.  The flask had been somewhere in the pile.  I figured he had wanted me to find it.  I used to laugh thinking that he tripped me on purpose.”  She blinked away her tears.

“What does it say?”  Ben knew he could look harder to make it out but he had a feeling she knew what it said by heart.  And he knew that she would have been proud of that fact.

“It says, ‘I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.’  I used to think it was beautiful, but for how tragically true it is for my grandmother, it’s kind of sad.  She only found value in herself when there was someone else finding it for her.  The moment he died she couldn’t let go of the pain.  I would think the love should’ve been enough.  He loved her until he died.  With his last breath, but that wasn’t enough.”

“So that’s why you date jerks.  You don’t want to be in love.”  Ben reached out for her hand.  She didn’t pull away.

“It’s  not that I don’t want to be in love, it’s that I don’t want to be in love and find out that it isn’t enough.”  She looked Ben in the eye, “or find out that I am not enough.”  Her voice was almost inaudible.  It was as if she finally realized the truth behind her fear and saying it was only reinforcing its truth.

“What if you’re right, what if you aren’t enough?  Could it really be any worse than always wondering if you would’ve been enough?  Shouldn’t you at least try?  What if you are enough?  What if you find someone that makes it all worth it.”  Ben could’ve been having this conversation with himself.

“I’m not sure which I fear more never knowing or coming up short.  I guess this is where life either begins or starts repeating, huh.”  The look she gave Ben was full of sadness.  Somewhere inside him he was relieved.  He was just happy she was feeling again. 

He reached up and turned the light off.  He laid her down next to him and held her tight.  “It is always darkest before the dawn, kid.”  And they both knew that everything was going to be alright.  They didn’t know where their lives were going to take them but that to each other they would always be enough.

They woke up in that same position.  Holding onto each other as one.  There was a banging on the door, it was morning.  “Let’s go sleepy heads.  It is amazing out here.”  Lena thought everything was amazing.  They wouldn’t have been surprised if when they opened the blinds and it was pitch black with a cyclone heading for them.  Ben let go of Jenna and crossed the room to open the door.  The brightness was almost blinding.

Jax looked in cautiously and saw Jenna laying in the bed.  “Uh, we can come back later if you guys are busy.” 

Ben stood there shirtless in his shorts scratching his head.  “No we are good.  Just give us a sec to change.”  Ben pushed to door closed and flicked the switch on.  Jenna was already up.  She was in the corner stripping down and pulling on her swim suit.  It was the same suit Ben saw her in at Paul’s house.  With all that has happened that seems almost a life time ago.  “I really don’t think it is fair that you get naked in front of me and expect me not to do anything about it.”

“I never said you couldn’t do anything about it.”  She walked over to the bed and sat down on it indian style.  “I think the more valid point is now that you have seen me naked so many times it is your turn.”  She didn’t take her eyes off Ben.  She was waiting for him to call her bluff.

Ben looked confused, his voice almost cracked, “you want me to get naked?”

Jenna raised her eyebrow.  “It’s only fair.  Come on let’s go.  Show me what I’ve been missing.”

Ben stood there weighing out the different scenarios in his head.  Of course best case scenario would play out like a porno.  Worst case scenario was sometime through the night she had set up a camera and plans to blackmail him with nude pictures.  Jenna could sense Ben’s nervousness.  “Come on Benny, I promise you will be enough.  Shouldn’t you at least try?”  Jenna was repeating what Ben had said last night.  Taking it out of context.  Ben smirked and tackled her, pinning her to the bed.

“You think that is funny?  You think you are so cool don’t you.”  He pinned her arms above her head.  He needed only one hand to do so, leaving his other hand free.  “Let’s see how funny this is.”  He used his free hand to tickle her.  She laughed out loud screeching.  She was squirming and fighting hard, but Ben was stronger.

“Stop, stop, stop.”  She was fighting to breathe.

“Tell me I am the greatest.”  Ben was fighting to keep her pinned down.  She really was a fighter.

In between laughter she yelled out, “You are the lamest.”

“Greatest, say greatest.”  He switched hands giving him renewed energy in pinning her down.

“Alright, alright, you are the greatest now stop.”  Her face was getting red. 

Ben stopped tickling her and grabbed one wrist in each hand, hovering on top of her.  “Now tell me you want to be with me.”  He had never been more sincere in his life.  Whether she meant it or not Ben wanted to hear it.

Jenna gave Ben her crooked smile and said, “you want to be with me.  There I told you.”

Ben knew that was the best he was going to get, so he closed the gap between them and kissed her.  Somewhere after their initial kiss their embrace deepened and Ben let go of her wrists in exchange for her waist.  She put her arms around his neck.  She felt so warm.  Ben ran his hands up and down her body and she didn’t do anything to stop him.  He kissed her neck and stomach and a few other spots the bathing suit didn’t cover.  Ben was encouraged by the fact that she hadn’t yet interrupted his advances.  His stomach was fluttering so much he felt nauseas.  He was just about to try to untie her bathing suit top when he heard pounding on the door.

“What the hell is taking you two so long?”  Jax yelled through the door.

Ben pulled himself from their embrace locking eyes with Jenna.  “We are coming.”

“Keep your shirt on.”  Jenna added laughing at her own joke.  With in a few moments they were outside their hotel room and walking with Jax and Lena to the boardwalk.