Haze | Demi Lovato

3

Demi

My eyes opened and I stared up at the white ceiling. I sighed heavily, feeling so desire to get out of bed, or even move for that matter. A knock on the door sounded, and a Nurse poked her head in.

"Miss Lovato?" A pang went through my chest, the memory of Wilmer calling me by my maiden name, not the one I'd taken when I had married him. "Come on sweetheart." This time I physically flinched, reminded of the petname he used to call me. I turned on my side as she walked into the room and curled into a ball. A sob left my lips as her hand gently touched my back. I didn't want her comfort, or her sympathy. I wanted my husband.

"Leave me alone." I begged.

"I can't do that Demi. I need you to sit up okay? Just sit up for me."

I miserably pushed myself up into a sitting position, it was only then that I realized this was Nurse Kristine, one of my original nurses from my first stay here.

"What is it today?" She murmured, her blue eyes searching mine.

"It's Saturday." I whispered. "He won't come."

Kristine sighed. "Honey you can't focus on him. You have to heal yourself before you can heal the relationship you have with him."

I looked down. "I need him."

"Maybe that's the problem."

I shook my head and stood up. "The problem is that I'm a cocaine addict, and an alcoholic, and depressed and bipolar. The problem is that I single-handedly ruined my marriage and my life because of something I wasn't strong enough to resist. The problem, is that my husband never wants to speak to me again. I am the problem."

"Demi." A new voice sounded and I looked towards the door to see one of my therapists, Dr. Kahn, standing there. I bit my lip, knowing she had heard everything I just said.

"Yes?"

She gave me a small smile. "After you eat breakfast I'd like to see you in my office. Thank you."

I sighed once she walked away. "Shit."

~*~

I knocked quietly on my therapist's door, hearing her call out to come in. I opened it, and stepped into her office, which looked more like a lounge. It had a couch, and she rarely worked at her desk which was shoved into the corner.

"Ah, Demi. Sit down."

I took a seat on the couch while she settled into the squashy arm chair across from me.

"I bet you're wondering why I called you in."

"Kinda." I murmured. "It's about what I said this morning, right?"

"Partly, yes. Do you fully believe what you said?"

I looked down, knowing I should be honest. "Yes."

"And why is that?"

I sighed heavily. "Because this is my fault. I'm the reason he hates me. I'm the reason he never wants to see me again."

"Demi, I've known you for a long time. Do you really think that? Do you think that this is completely your fault?"

"Yes." I said again. "How could it be anyone else's?"

"You're an addict. Wilmer knew that when he married you."

"He knew I was in recovery for years. He thought I was strong. He thought I had it under control."

"Relapse is a part of recovery."

"I know." I sighed. "But that doesn't change the fact that I ruined everything."

"And who told you that?"

"He did. And it's true."

She tilted her head. "I'd like to ask him to come in to sit down so the three of us can talk."

I sighed. "He won't come."

"I believe he will. I'll call him now if you're okay with it?"

I knew at this point another rejection couldn't do any more damage than had already been done so I waved my hand for her to go ahead. She picked up the phone and opened my file, dialing Wilmer's number and putting it on speaker.

"This is Wilmer."

At his voice, relief flooded my body. "Wilmer?" I couldn't stop myself from speaking. "Baby it's me."

Silence. Then after a moment, a dial tone.

He had hung up.

I sat back in my seat and closed my eyes for a few long moments. Even Dr. Kahn was silent.

"H-He was probably just busy." I whispered. "He works hard. I'm sure he'll call back." I looked out the window and bit down hard on my lower lip. "Is it... Is it okay if I go now?"

"Sure." She said gently. "Go ahead."

I stood up numbly and walked out of her office, slowly making my way back to my room. Once I was in there, I shut the door and laid flat on my back, staring up at the white ceiling.

I knew I shouldn't of moved.

~*~

The rest of the day passed in a blur. I sat numbly in group therapy. We went to the art room and I wrote Wilmer a letter, like I did everyday, then we had free time. I walked to the lobby, and the receptionist gave me a small smile.

"Demi! We've got some mail for you."

My head lifted, my eyes brightening. "Really?"

She nodded, most of the staff knew of Wilmer's attitude toward me being here. "It's right..."

She handed me a packet of mail and I quickly ripped it open, too impatient to go back to my room. I pulled out the envelopes inside, but my heart quickly sunk. They were all of the letter's I had sent to Wilmer, all of the letter's I had poured my heart and soul into. They were still sealed, no evidence of tampering except for the large stamp across each one in red ink.

RETURN TO SENDER

I stared numbly, flipping through all of the letters. There were a total of seventeen.

"Oh, Demi." I looked up slowly at the receptionist's sympathetic expression, then looked down as tears filled my eyes. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the letter I had written today.

"Would you please mail this for me?"

She glanced at the letter. "Are you sure?"

I pressed my lips together and nodded. "Yes."

"Okay, I'll take care of it."

"Thank you." My voice was small, and void of emotion. I cradled the letters to my chest and walked back to my room. I sat on my bed and stared at the envelopes, the ache in my chest ht only feeling that registered with me. I swallowed hard and slowly reorganized them by their dates, and put them in my bottom drawer. I heard people's voices begin to be called over the loudspeaker and I knew visiting hours had started. I sat, waiting for my name, but soon the intercom turned off. It was the final blow.

No one was coming.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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-Rachel