Haze | Demi Lovato

21

Demi

"Yes."

I couldn't believe how much one little word made it feel like my soul was being crushed underneath a mountain of pain. I leaned forward, and pressed my hands to my face. I let out the breath I was holding and inhaled again slowly, trying to reign myself in. After a few more seconds, I lifted my head and looked at my therapist; even her expression showed the shock from Wilmer's revelation.

Almost unconsciously; my body moving it's joints and muscles to flee the situation; to run from the tension in the room. I moved robotically, getting to my feet and pushing my hair back behind my ear. I gripped my keys tightly; my face becoming a hard mask of calm. I showed no emotion as I walked out of the office, ignoring the receptionist's polite 'have a nice day'. I walked out of the building to my car. My body was on autopilot on the way home; I stared mundanely at the road, my mind completely blank; I did not think about him, or the situation. I simply stared ahead of me; as if every emotion had been cut off.

I walked into the house quietly, shutting the door behind me and not bothering to lock it. I went up to the bedroom and calmly made the bed, cleaning both of our things off of the floor and returning his clothes from my stash into his closet, hanging everything up and folding all of the piled up laundry. Once the room was spotless I took out a suitcase and began to pack the few things of sentimental value that I did have. I zipped it shut and took one last glance around the room. One of Wilmer's white t-shirts that he wore to bed lay tucked against his night stand. I sighed and picked it up, examining it in my hand for my moment before I pushed it into the suitcase.

Making my way to the front door, I paused in the kitchen to pull out the only sonogram picture I had of the tiny bundle growing inside of me then placed it on the table. My fingertips ran over the smooth paper once. I took a deep breath, and slipped my wedding band off of my left ring finger, placing it on the sonogram. I straightened out my jacket, and walked out of the house, getting into my car, and driving out to the main road.

I didn't hesitate, or stop to think. I drove straight to my OBGYN's office, asking the receptionist to tell Dr. Kahn it was an emergency. I was ushered into a room and left to wait.

"Demi?" Dr. Kahn didn't knock before entering. She shut the door and locked it before walking to me. "Is everything alright? What happened?"

I shook my head. "I need to terminate my pregnancy."

Something in my voice made her face chance from shock to seriousness. "Are you absolutely sure about this?"

"Yes." My voice didn't waver in the slightest.

"Okay. I'm going to do an ultrasound to see how large the fetus is, you don't have to watch or listen, okay?"

"Okay."

I stared straight at the ceiling as Dr. Kahn did the ultrasound, signing the paperwork she handed me without reading the side effects or possible complications. I stared straight ahead as the procedure was performed, closing my eyes for the entire thing and listening to Dr. Kahn's instructions.

Eventually I was able to leave, with strict instructions to come back in 4 to 5 days. I walked to my car and sat in it for a long time, staring at the brick wall of the building, my hand pressed lightly against my stomach.

I couldn't bring a child into this relationship. I couldn't bring such a fragile being into this war zone that had become my marriage. To have this child would've been the most selfish thing I could ever do. No number of therapy sessions could fix this, no amount of talking or apologies could take back what he had done. This was the final straw, the last crushing blow that blew my heart to pieces, taking any hope of me being happy with it.

I'm too afraid of the mother you'll be.

It was almost comical how much I agreed with him now. I was naive to think I could be a good mom, that I could raise another person. I had engrained myself in this fantasy that Wilmer and I could be okay, that we could make it somehow in this world. I allowed myself to get caught up in the whirlwind of romance. I had mistaken his guilt for love, and I would never make that mistake again.

I went to the only place I could think of; the only place I had to even remotely call home.

My mom answered the door, her eyes looking me up and down before widening at my blank expression. "Demi."

"I need somewhere to stay."

Her eyes narrowed, before one eyebrow lifted. "What happened?"

"He slept with someone." There was a flicker behind her guarded expression and I slowly took a step back. "You knew."

"I thought he told you weeks ago. I thought you knew when you came here to tell me you were pregnant... That's why I was so angry. I thought you took him back."

I shook my head. "How long have you known?"

She swallowed hard. "I caught him in bed with her."

I didn't think it was possible to feel any more numb, but it flooded through my body, sealing off any hope of me recovering from this. "And you didn't tell me? That day we came over to watch football? You knew?"

My mom shifted her weight to her other foot, clearly uncomfortable and afraid of how calm I sounded. "You were so fragile... He promised he'd tell you the moment you were strong enough to hear it. I kept my mouth shut because I knew you wouldn't let it go. I wanted you to leave him, and when I saw that you hadn't, I lost it. I thought you had forgiven him for that too."

I looked at the ground and took a slow deep breath. "And now I'll never forgive either of you. Have a nice life, Dianna."

I turned on my heel and began to walk to my car, but a voice stopped me. "Demi?"

Maddie.

My feet kept moving.

"Demi? Mom, what's going on? Demi!"

I closed my eyes and forced myself to hold onto the grip I had on my sanity.

"DEMI!"

I opened my car door, sitting down and starting up the engine.

"Maddie, don't!"

She was running towards me, but my foot already hit the gas pedal, reversing out of the driveway before flooring it away from the only place and person I had left in this world.

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