Haze | Demi Lovato

14

Demi

I walked upstairs and sat on the bed in our room, pressing my palms to my face as I took slow, shuddering breaths. I didn't want to get rid of my baby. But I didn't want to raise a child in this mess.

"Demi?"

I looked up, Wilmer was standing in the doorway. "What do you want?"

He looked down, and I saw the sonogram picture in his hand. "You're pregnant?"

"I went to Dr. Kahn yesterday to try and get an abortion but she wouldn't do it. I have an appointment tomorrow."

He looked back down at the picture, running his hands over it. "How long have you known?"

"A week."

Wilmer swallowed hard and nodded, still staring at the picture. "I don't want you to get an abortion."

"I can't bring a child into this relationship. You said it yourself, it wouldn't fix anything." I bit my lip, the reminder the words he'd thrown at me cutting into my heart.

He nodded once, and finally his eyes met mine. "I didn't mean what I said."

"Yes... you did. You just would never say it to me under normal circumstances."

He slowly walked over to the bed and kneeled down on the floor. His hand reached out to take mine. Tears filled my eyes at his gentle touch. It was the first time he had touched me without roughness in months.

"Demi... I didn't mean any of that. I was angry, and hurt, and ashamed of my actions. It just came out because I wanted to hurt you. I didn't mean a word a said. I'm sorry."

Tears broke through and rolled down my cheeks. "I can't tell you it's okay because it's not."

"I know it's not. God, I know it's not okay. I'm not trying to make it okay. I'm telling you that I'm sorry, because I am. I've never been so ashamed of myself."

I ran my hand through his hair and shook my head. "I don't know if we can ever get back to the way things were. So much has been said and done, Wilmer. We turned on each other like animals. We're supposed to be married. We're supposed to love each other. It scares me to the core how easy it was for you to turn any feelings you had for me off. That terrifies me."

"I know." He shook his head and lead down so his forehead touched my thigh. "Demi, I'm so sorry. I'll do whatever it takes. I'm so sorry. I promise-"

"Don't promise me things." I interrupted. "It'll only hurt more if you don't follow through."

Wilmer raised his head. "I am going to follow through. I'll go to whatever therapist you want me to go to. Demi I know you can't forgive me for what I did, but please, please, can we just try?"

"I've been trying." I whispered. "I've been trying for months and all I got was a baby that we didn't make out of love. We made it out of anger. This baby doesn't represent our relationship. It represents one of the worst times of my life."

"I know. I know what I did to you was horrible and unforgivable. I'm so sorry. I don't know how else to tell you it."

"I don't want you to tell me. I want you to show me." I murmured. "I don't want words. Words mean nothing until you build up the trust behind them with actions."

"I can do that. Whatever you want me to do, Demi. I'll do it. I'm sorry."

"You don't understand, Wilmer. You've been sitting here telling me how sorry you are, and not once have you told me that you love me. You haven't told me you loved me in seven months. Do you know how hard it is to not hear your husband tell you he loves you for three months? Do you know how hard it is to love yourself when the one person who pledged in front of all of your friends and family to love you through the bad time and the good can't say it?"

"I-"

"Don't." I whispered. "I don't want to hear it. I don't want you to tell me that you love me because it's just going to be you saying what I want to hear."

"Please, Demi. What can I do?"

I squeezed my eyes shut and sighed. "Therapy. We're going tomorrow."

"Okay."

"And we're going to talk." My eyes flashed open. "I don't want you to sit there and agree with everything I say. We're going to talk and work through issues. Okay?"

"Okay."

"We also have to move."

"What? Why?" Wilmer furrowed his brow, confusion washing over his face.

"Because there's too many memories."

He shook his head. "But you love this house."

I sighed, looking around at the walls of the bedroom. "Not anymore. Everything is tainted here. Everywhere I look I see pain and hurt. If we're going to work on things we're going to need to start completely fresh."

"Okay, let's do that."

I bit my lip. "What do you want?"

"What?"

"What do you want? You have a say in this relationship. I'm asking you what you want me to do."

He swallowed hard and shook his head. "I just... I want you to come to me, when things get hard. I don't want you to think that I'm going to send you off to rehab again if you start to slip up."

"I did need rehab, but I also needed you. I needed you to be there for me. I just don't understand how you could just shut off your feelings for me. I really don't. I saw hatred in your eyes when you looked at me. The first night I came home I was screaming for you to help me, and you just sat in your office pretending to do work."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Sorry isn't good enough. Sorry doesn't make it okay."

"I know. I know that. I don't know how else to say it. I hate myself for what I did to you, Demi. I absolutely hate myself."

"I don't want you to hate yourself. That won't fix anything."

He looked down. "I know it won't, but I do. I'll go to therapy. We'll move. I don't care what it is, I'll do it."

~*~

"So tell about why you think you two are here."

Wilmer glanced at me and cleared his throat before looking at my therapist sitting across from us. "Because we want to make things work. I want to get back to how things were."

"Nothing can go back to the way it was. You cannot go back, only forward. Your job is to make the changes so that your future is even better than the past. Demi? What about you?"

"I love my husband more than anything in the world." I murmured. "I want us to be able to love each other, and put what happened in the past and move forward. We both made mistakes, but we're both willing to put each other's mistakes behind us."

"You two are going to have to work hard. You're also going to have to be serious about wanting to put things in the past. You can't spend hours working through your problems only to bring them back up minutes into fight you're having. Both of you have to want this to work, and be serious about it."

"I am serious about it." Wilmer murmured. "Even though she won't let me say I love her too. I've treated her horribly in the past few months and I know nothing I can do will change that, but I want to prove to her that I can be the best husband to her and the best person to love her."

I smiled softly and reached over to squeeze his hand.

We could make it.

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