I'm (Not) Sorry

Chapter 1

I had too many performances. I needed a break. I was always tired, but it's my own stupid fault for waking up so early. Jasmine looked tired, too. I felt bad for her. She had to wake up in the middle of the night just to deal with me. I'm too needy.

"You ain't lookin' so hot, Anthony," Alysha noted when she saw me walk in. Her final performance was on that day. I didn't want to say goodbye. She's moved onto bigger and better things, though. I'm proud of her.

"I'm fine," I said, but I wasn't. I wasn't fine. I ain't ever fine. I'm always depressed or angry or tired or not fine. I ain't ever fine.

"...If you say so." Alysha knew I wasn't fine. "You gonna pass out with Jazzy in between shows?"

I managed to laugh a little.

"Yeah. We're both pretty tired, and I didn't have enough time to grab any coffee."

"That's rough," Alysha said. "You can always get somethin' from the coffee machine."

I shook my head. "Nah, it's okay. I don't like the coffee from that thing, anyway."

"You're crazy." Alysha laughed. "You sure you're okay, though?"

"I'm fine." I ain't ever fine.

I looked behind me. Jasmine was looking at me. She had that look again. That look that said, "You ain't fine. Stop tellin' people you're fine." She saw right through me.

In my dressing room, Jasmine was sitting in my chair and looking at herself in the mirror, straightening up a bit.

"Your eyes are puffed, Anthony," she said. "You cry at all last night?" There ain't no point in lying to her, so I just told the truth.

"Yeah..." I sighed. "I'm really sorry... I've been givin' you a lot of trouble, haven't I?" Jasmine gave me another look. A different look, though.

"You ain't never been givin' me trouble," she said. I could tell she was a little annoyed. "You been more emotional than usual. So what? We all get like that every now and then. It don't annoy me, though." Her expression softened, and she became the understanding, kind Jasmine I'm used to. "I'm here for you, Anthony. If you need anything, tell me. Wake me up in the middle of the night. Wreck my plans. I really don't care."

I gave a timid smile. "Yeah... Thanks, Jazz..." It was weird, seeing people care. Most of the time, everyone thinks I'm calm and collected with my whole life together. Most of the time, everyone thinks I'm the famous rich boy who always got the easy way out. No one really stopped to listen to me. But I noticed my Jazzy's face. I noticed her eyes. She looked upset about something, and I couldn't help but feel sorry.

"I love you," I said quietly. She smiled, but her eyes were still sad.

"I love you, too."

The longer we performed, the more sick I felt. My head was killing me by the time noon came. Everyone told me I should just go home and they could get someone to fill in for me, but I wanted to stay. I needed to stay. I hardly ever missed a day unless I had somewhere to be or I was throwing up. Other than that, I was at the theater. 

Later on that day, Carleigh decided to try to convince me. I don't know why. She should've known that it was pointless.

"You're obviously sick," she argued. Yeah. Sick. That's the right word to use.

"I'm fine," I said, but I was lying. I ain't ever fine.

"No, you're not." Carleigh looked at me with stern eyes. She always was the motherly type. "You need to go home, Anthony. If I see you here tomorrow, I'm beating you up." She likes to joke around, too.

"I wanna be here for Alysha's last curtain call!" I protested. That was a lousy excuse.

"I'll send you a recording of it." I noticed that she was already packing the stuff I brought. "Go home." I was surprised she didn't follow that with "Alexander. That's an order from your commander."

I sighed. There was no point in arguing. "Fine..." I grabbed my small bag and threw it over my shoulder. I know she's looking out for me, but I'm an adult, too. I can handle myself.

Did I tell you how much I love Jasmine? Because I really do love her. She does so much for me. I feel like I just don't deserve her. After all the shit she's gone through, she still ain't afraid to fall in love.

Jasmine got hurt real bad in her last relationship. When we met, she had a black eye and a swollen lip. She kept her mouth shut about it for a while, but once we got to know each other, she told me her boyfriend was beating her. I was the one who got him sent to jail. We'd been together ever since.

It was pretty late when Jasmine got to the house. I was in bed, just staring up at the ceiling. I didn't have anything better to do, and looking at my phone would make my headache worse. I didn't see her walk in, but I felt it when Jasmine sat down on the bed.

"How you feelin', babe?"

I shrugged. "Could be better."

Jasmine nodded. "I think we both could be. What's even happening?"

"You know," I said, looking away from the ceiling to look at her. "Dallas got outta jail last week."

"Yeah..." Jasmine sighed. "Don't talk about it. I don't wanna think about it. I don't wanna think about him. You know, you're at more of a risk than I am. He's gonna wanna find you."

I knew she was right. I knew he was gonna do something awful to me for "stealing his girl". Jazzy was never his to begin with, though. She's mine. She always will be. Ain't no one gonna take her away from me.

"Get some sleep," she finally said. "You need it."

She kissed me goodnight and left. I hate being alone.