Trust Me. I'm Lying - (SLOWLY EDITING)

The Fifteen Minutes: Chapter 38

"You don't love a girl because of her beauty. You love her because she sings a song only you can understand."

—L.J Smith, Secret Vampire.

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Chapter Thirty-Eight:

The Fifteen Minutes.

Carson's P.O.V

The night I had found out that Bells was the Someone Else answering to my letters, I wanted to kill someone.

Let me start at the beginning. With the turning point.

I don't remember ever being so nervous than when I waited for Bells on Aiden's backyard. It was stupid and silly and gooey and so high school romance cliché but I couldn't have been happier as I waited for the girl who had made me smile for real. At that moment, I didn't think, I just wanted to see her face, whoever she was.

I think about that second when I turned around, that moment when it was Isabelle Ryan looking like a girl and standing in front of me. I think about the moment I realized Isabelle Ryan was Bells. My Bells. Looking beautiful and breathtaking. I think of the things I should have said, should have done, and what I did instead.

I have come back to this a lot lately. And when I say a lot, I mean every agonizing minute when I'm not thinking about what happened at school two weeks ago. And the look on her face. And how I could see in her eyes everything I promised break right in front of her.

I'm going insane and she won't talk to me and I know the nightmares will just keep getting worse and I don't know what to do. It's all I can think about. She's all I can think about.

And

it

is

killing

me.

***

But it doesn't, even though I want it to. Even though every second of every minute of every hour of every day for the past thirty-nine has been unbearable. Even though it feels like someone took a vital part of my life. Even though hurts like a bitch. It doesn't kill me.

Yeah, life sucks like that sometimes.

Why doesn't it kill me? Because I'm a liar. I'm broken and selfish and messy and irresponsible and an asshole and an idiot and I am a liar.

And if I'm sure of anything at this point (Day Thirty-Nine) is that I deserve this. Because it's the only word I hear in my head when I wake up in the middle of the night, during the day and when I try to get some sleep. Liar. Over and over again.

Something has been choking me ever since I saw her looking at those pictures. Something that is trying to drag me back under where I was before, before Bells, before I messed everything up. It's choking me each time I think about it, and the look on her face, and how sad those eyes that were usually full of light looked right before she slapped me. I can't breathe right. I don't know what to do.

How could I? All I've wanted to do for the past thirty-nine days is stop breathing. How could I lie to her? How could I not tell her? How could I do this to us? It was all my fault my fault my fault and I honestly did believe I had been that stupid. How could I break everything I had so thoroughly?

Bells smiles; she holds my hand and kisses me and brings her hand to my cheek. She makes me feel happy and safe and like coming home. Every excuse I repeated to myself to not tell her those first weeks after I slept with Danielle make me want to puke or punch someone. Or both. She won't find out. I'll tell her. She won't find out. I am so stupid, so stupid, so fucking stupid—