Trust Me. I'm Lying - (SLOWLY EDITING)

In The How: Chapter 39

"I won't glorify or romanticize heartbreak, for me, it was a kind of death and I was forced to keep on living."

—Warsan Shire.

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Chapter Thirty-Nine:

In The How.

"You left your sister alone at Walmart?"

I looked up. I'd been vaguely aware that she was talking to me, but I couldn't bring myself to pay enough attention to her. "What?"

"Carson." Zoe groaned, running a hand through her face. She was leaning against the door frame of my bedroom. "Were you listening to me?"

"No."

"Katherine came to pick Olivia up," she told me, pushing herself off and making herself welcome inside. "She told me you left her alone? Carson—"

"Only for fifteen minutes," I interrupted her. I pushed the rolling chair off the desk, where I was sitting, so I could face her completely. I stared at her, not feeling like putting up a good defense. I couldn't stop thinking about what happened.

"You do realize that if something happens to that girl we are both dead, right? So God helps me—" A pause. "Carson."

I had zoned out. Again. I groaned, running a hand through my hair. I couldn't stop seeing the expression on Bells' face. You hurt me. After everything. And I hate you for doing that to me. "I'm sorry, Zoe. I wasn't thinking. I—"

Zoe held up a hand, silencing me. "Don't I know that," she murmured. She gestured to the bed, sitting in it herself. She took off her shoes and sat crossed legged in front of me. "You have been out of it for the past month, kid. So tell me, what happened? Because I already know you saw Bells; I figured you needed a good reason to leave Olivia alone, even if only for fifteen minutes," she mimicked me.

This was always Zoe and me, I could tell her everything. Well, almost everything. The word was always there, in the back of my mind. Liar. When I came home the day everything had gone to shit, I had no choice but to tell her. I'm still not sure how her death stare didn't leave me six feet under. I don't remember her ever being so angry at something I did.

You hurt me. After everything. And I hate you for doing that to me. Bells was right and I couldn't do anything to change it. I was still hurting her. I hurt us both this afternoon. After all this time.

Zoe was looking at me expectantly. I started to speak, trying not to think about the frown that deepened and deepened on her face by each passing moment. She wasn't trying to hide how very pissed she still was at me.

"This is killing me, Zoe," I managed, a while after I was finished talking. I couldn't get anything out of her; a poker player would be jealous of her face. I went on. "I think it would be much better if it just killed me. I don't know what to do and I'm sure I worsened things today."

Zoe sighed. "Okay. I'm going to say some things that you won't like for me to tell you. So I'm going to ask you one question. Do you want me to lie or do you want to keep considering yourself my nephew?"

"What does that even mean?"

"It means that I'm about to tell you some things you really won't want to hear." She was looking at me straight in the eye, and it was scary. This was her serious face. Zoe rarely spoke bullshit.

This was not good. I wanted to scream. "Fine."

"Okay. Look. Carson, I love you. You're my nephew and I love you more than anything in this world. So I'm obliged to tell you this," Zoe made a dramatic pause, which was usual during her lectures, "you are an idiot."