Trust Me. I'm Lying - (SLOWLY EDITING)

Ah, The Frustration: Chapter 13

"How amazing it is to find someone who wants to hear about all the things that go on in your head."

—Nina LaCour, Hold Still

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CHAPTER THIRTEEN:

Ah, The Frustration.

Carson's POV

I miss her.

It's impossible to think that.

It shouldn't have happened, none of it. So let's pretend nothing happened, right? Because you're right. Nothing ever did. Those words have made a constant pattern in my brain, repeating themselves over and over in my head.

In my memory, I watch her grit her teeth tightly together and then force the words out. It looked as if it was hurting her to say it. As if she didn't believe them.

But of course, she did. I want to believe them too. I want to admit them as much as I want her to be here with me right now. I want to trust them as much as I need that girl away from me.

But I miss her. As impossible as that thought is.

Isabelle only scowls in my thoughts. Isabelle Ryan rolls her eyes and has a murderous look on her face most of the time. A look that clearly says fuck you. An expression that could only be associated with how she thinks she is more intelligent than the rest of the people in the room with her. That denotes how much she wants to yell that she's superior but can't.

I think it's that detail that's made me hate her.

But then I imagine her smiling, which is unlikely. Isabelle Ryan doesn't smile, ever. She always scowls.

But Bells does smile. It's weird trying to put a smiling expression on a face that so rarely smiles. I imagine Bells brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes, though the only time I've seen her with her hair down was the night of the party. I imagine her reading a book, her eyes skimming fast over the pages, a knowing smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. Making then a single dimple show on her left cheek.

I was so frustrated I got out of bed and started pacing in my room. I wanted to go back to that stupid Monday when Mr. Reilly told us to bring a copy of Pride and Prejudice to class. I want to go back and never find that letter. To never feel captivated by it. I want to go back and forget about everything. I want to forget about Ryan.

But not about Bells. Even knowing they're the same person.

Bells. Such an obvious nickname for Isabelle now that I know the other side of the story. I didn't see that one coming. I remember turning around and finding her there and thinking that must be a joke. I mean, the universe had to hate me.

Did it have to be Isabelle Ryan? Out of everyone in that stupid school, did it have to be Ryan who left that letter? Did she seriously have to write that? Why did she feel the need?

I felt guilty thinking about that. Of course, Bells felt the need. I wanted to scream daily. I hated to admit it—that we have both been through shit.

I wondered how unlikely it is to meet someone who wants to know the thoughts that went to your head. I told Bells more than even Zoe knew about me. More than anyone knew about me. How was it possible to have such a strong connection to someone you hated?

I couldn't even see her at school now. It was like a knot kept forming in my stomach. Everything that happened, good and bad, kept coming back at me. I hated myself for half of the things that had happened. What happened all these years. My reaction to what had happened at Aiden's party. Her face as she turned around.