Trust Me. I'm Lying - (SLOWLY EDITING)

Like Being Okay: Chapter 40

"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."

—Leonard Cohen, Selected Poems, (1956-1968)

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CHAPTER FORTY:Like Being Okay.

I didn't like to think about many of the things that happened previous to and at the beginning of that year's summer. I did, however, like to look at the haze of good ones that began once it began to feel like I was myself again.

It took me another twenty-two days, four seasons of Friends, three of How I Met Your Mother, many deep breaths, and doses of laughter in order for me to stop counting.

I didn't realize it until a few hours after I woke up. I was on my way to the kitchen to make myself some breakfast, but halfway down the stairs, I stopped mid-stride. It had Day Sixty-One. Or was it Sixty-Two? I didn't care. I was breathing normally.

The day I turned eighteen, my Mom made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. Chris and Jess stayed with me throughout the whole day. Sebastian called Jess around midnight, and we drove to the nearest McDonald's and ate fries in the park. Aiden was so pissed when I told him he said he was throwing me a real party once he came back in September.

I came home a little after two, from surely what many may consider the lamest eighteenth birthday ever. I heard Mr. Langley and Mom talking to Erick in the living room, and I was about to bolt up the stairs when the word wedding caught my attention, fixing me rooted to the spot. I tried to ignore the voice in my head that told me I had never really gotten anything good out of eavesdropping. Second of July. Exactly one year away from yesterday.

***

I hit my brother with a cushion on the back of his head. You know, as a way to catch his attention. It was the first time he and I were completely alone after what I heard a couple of nights ago. "Hey," I greeted him, just at the same time the small pillow made contact with his skull.

He glared as I sat down next to him on the couch, placing the cushion between us. Erick was rubbing the back of his head. "You could always call, little sister."

"I did," I protested. "You ignored me," I took a deep breath. "So, July second?"

Erick rolled his eyes, though I could see the corners of his mouth twitching upward. "How come you always manage to listen to everything?" he said to himself. My brother looked at me. "Yeah. Pretty date, huh?"

I raised the pillow again. "You cared to tell me?"

"They'll both do it sooner or later, Bells." I frowned when he called me that—it was weird to hear someone outside of my friend group say it. I placed the cushion between us again, but Erick took it and placed it in his lap instead. So childish. He sighed. "Besides, I haven't seen you completely happy ever since I came home for the summer, and I didn't want to upset you."

I rolled my eyes, knowing this to be true. I tried to act normal around my older brother, for everyone's sake and mine. I remembered Mr. Langley telling me Erick was worried. Of course, he was. The feeling of not being able to breathe was barely there anymore. Taking pills again helped with the headaches. I shook my head trying to clear it and to think of something else. "I'm sorry," I muttered, and I really was.

Erick gave me a little push. "Remember when I came home for Spring Break?" I nodded, unsure where he was going with this. "You told me that if Carson ever broke your heart, you'd call me to help pick up the broken pieces. The thing is, I think you did that all by yourself, Bells."