INTERRUPTION
Let me just take this chance to tell everyone my perspective. Just tell some people some things.
Well, first thing's first. Being Transgender fucking sucks. Major. You know what makes that even worse? Having a hypocritical father who is always spouting on and on about "how supportive he is" but then turns around and says to your face that he won't let you transition until you're eighteen and out of his house. He also tells you to your face that he doesn't care what you think or how you feel, and it seems to be when you're feeling your worst when he says that. Every fucking time.
Being suicidal is a bitch. And having a dad like described above makes your suicidal thoughts skyrocket. And then he wonders why you're depressed all the time. Fuck you. Fuck you dad.
I hate when people think that being gay, or bi, or Transgender, or gender fluid, or gender queer, or being trans* in general, is a choice. Bitch, do you really think that people *choose* to be the way they are? I know for a fucking fact that I wouldn't be this way if I had a fucking choice. If I had the choice to wake up in the morning and hate myself or to wake up and think "I'm gonna look good today!", I would definately choose the second one. But sadly, I wake up in the morning and it's an internal struggle to get out of bed because my mind decides to remind me that my chest *isn't* flat, and I *don't* have a really muscular jaw, and I *don't* have facial hair to shave. Honestly, the only fucking reason I get up in the morning, the ONLY REASON, is because I get to see the one person that makes life worth living. And that is my future wife.
She makes life so much better. When I'm around her, I don't think about my body for once. For once, when I'm with her, I don't think about bashing my head into a brick wall until I stop breathing (that is really a thought I had once. My suicidal thoughts sometimes get so bad that I even considered picking a fight with gang members just so they'd beat me to death).
I love her, even though we can't see each other often. I still love her. I always will. There has not been one instance since we started dating where I've lost any love for her. She makes me feel good about myself, and even makes me feel like a real boy. A man, even. The man I was meant to be.
Either way, being trans* or gay/lesbian is NOT, in any sense, a choice. You think that I choose to not fit in that little box society calls "normal"? You think I purposely don't fit in? You think I choose to be a freak, and a faggot, and a filthy sinner? No. I wouldn't choose, nor would I put any of that on anyone else. I don't like to be harassed for being me. I don't ask to have people hate me and ridicule me and tease me for being me. You don't know how hard it is, mentally. But, I know there's someone out there doing worse than me, right? So I get up and I go to school and I smile at all my friends and talk to them cheerily just like everything's fine, but really, the happier I act, the more hurt I am inside. Sometimes, I just want someone to look me in the eye and ask me, "Are you okay?" But if you ever do that, be prepared for me to do one or both of these two things:
1) Cry on you
2) Rant about my life
Now if you are ever the victim of one of my rants I'm sorry. I never shut up when it comes to ranting. It's something I do. But just go ahead and zone me out when I rant, just like everyone else does. It works for them.
Now I'm not trying to guilt trip anyone who reads this. I'm just trying to let you know that some people have it worse than you think. That's the reason why I don't complain out loud about my body. Or about me being a transman. The only person I really ask those kinds of questions, or complain to, is my girlfriend. I'm sorry for that, too. I know she gets tired of hearing me ask her "do you really think of me as a boy?" or complain to her about "I'm not a real guy." She says she doesn't know what that means, that I'm just as real of a guy as every other boy, but I know deep down that she knows. I don't know how it makes her feel when I say things like that, but I'm pretty sure it hurts her, because she tries her best to make me truly feel like "one of the guys". I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so dysphoric most of the time, and I'm sorry that you're the only person that has to hear those things come out of my mouth, but you are really the only person who truly considers me a boy.
I'm sorry I'm ranting. Most of you probably aren't even reading this anymore. I'm okay with that. I'm used to it. But I'm just trying to let you know that no one has it easy. I'm not gonna say "especially me" because there are people out there who can't be who they are, because they have to hide it. They have to fit in that little box. But please, when someone comes out to you, please make an actual effort to use their preferred pronouns, like he/she/ze, him/her/zer. And don't question why they are that way. Because they don't know either. All they know is that they are like that and they are trying to make their lives more comfortable. Also, if they ask you to call them a different name than their birth name, actually call them by their chosen name. Don't be an ass and call them by their birth name, then correct yourself sarcastically. Make the effort. And don't say, when talking about them, don't have someone correct you about their pronouns and your response be, "Well, technically, they are a girl/boy." Don't fucking do that. Don't. Because most people like me are suicidal, and that sentence right there is only gonna make it worse. Don't fucking say shit like that. If I say I'm a boy, I'm a fucking boy. If someone says he is a girl, she is a fucking girl and you only address her by saying "she" and "her". Have some respect, please.
I think I'm reaching the end of my rant. If you actually read this far, and are actually taking this seriously, thank you. I appreciate you as a human being. Please treat the trans* community like human beings too. Don't judge just because I say I am a man, with a female's body. I know who I am. Don't be a dick and call me "she" an then go, "Oh, I'm sorry, *he*." That is a dick move. Plus, it only makes me want to crawl in a hole and rot. If I am out to you, don't remind me of my genitals. Don't do it. It isn't okay, and pulling shit like that is like me saying to you, "Of course you're hungry, you can tell you like to eat." or if you ever ask me how am I so skinny, it's like me replying with, "Here's an idea-PUT DOWN THE FORK." It's a dick move. I will be nice to you, even if you insult my lifestyle, especially if you're one of my friends or my girlfriend's best friend. I will still smile at you. Because I know that you have your insecurities, and maybe insulting me makes you feel better about yourself. But just so you know, if you EVER insult someone close to me, I will fight for them.
Thank you for reading. Respect everyone. Don't point out people's insecurities. Goodbye.
END INTERRUPTION
