Moving On Is Hard [Trilogy]

Better Days

dedicated to my 150th follower: Stay_tril06

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::Issa::

“Why are you so angry?” she asked me. “I don’t know, maybe because I feel like everything is my fault.” “Why?” she asked after writing some things down. Yep, I’m at a therapist’s office, Tai said it helped her, and this is the doctor she referred me to, Dr. Tessa. “Because it is. My dad left when I was 2, and I didn’t hear nothing from him until I was 18 years old, a grown man in the eyes of the law, and even more reason for his ass not to pay child support if he pops up in my life. The first girl I loved outside of family took my shit and left, not much longer after she left, I get the news she’d been in a car accident and would be in coma, possibly forever. When I had finally moved past her, she pops back up in my life, and I felt nothing for her but anger for her betrayal. Tiana, the primary reason for my visit today, I fell for her and I fell hard. But I guess it’s karma biting my ass now, I treated her so badly in high school, and I’ve regretted it since, I was a complete jackass back then, all for popularity, something that doesn’t mean shit after you graduate. Tiana was so nice and caring, I had always had a crush on her, but I knew she wouldn’t give me the time of day especially after how I treated her. A few years later, I got my wish, I got her, having her in my life as a friend and girlfriend gave me a new happiness I had never experienced before, she was so carefree, and the type to live in the moment, she never cared about the future, she only focused on the present, although she was affected by her past in more ways than one. The funny thing though, she said I changed her, but in reality she changed me for the better, and how do I thank her? By letting her get kidnapped, and later killed… it’s my fault!” I repeated the last few words over and over, until Dr. Tessa came and comforted me. Once I was calm, she spoke, “Can you explain the night she was kidnapped?” “We came in from go-karting with our friends, but she was asleep, so I took her into our bedroom and redressed her myself, then I went back down and closed the door, and made sure everything was locked, then I went upstairs took a shower, kissed her forehead, climbed in bed, wrapped my arms around her, and went to sleep” I told her truthfully. “Is there anything else you remember specifically?” I laid back on the couch thing, and started to really think, after a few minutes I closed my eyes and began to speak. “At some point during the middle of the night, she moved my arm, and I mumbled out a question ‘where you goin?’ ‘bathroom.’ Moments later I heard what sounded like her throwing up, but I didn’t move. After she finished up, I heard her go downstairs, still nothing from me. I guess she went to get something to drink, something she did after throwing up.” “Had she been throwing up a lot?” Dr. T cut off my flashback, and I opened my eyes. “Yeah, every 4 hours for the past few weeks or so.” She nodded and told me to continue, so I closed my eyes again. “I guess I had drifted off back into a deep sleep, because the next time I heard her she was screaming for help, but I didn’t do nothing except shift in my sleep.” “Why didn’t you get up?” the doctor asked confusedly. “Because we had started pulling a string of practical jokes on each other, it wasn’t the first time she had screamed for help, but something in me told me this scream was serious, but I didn’t wanna believe it, so I stayed put.” “Did she scream anymore after that?” “No, which is another reason I thought it was prank.” “Do you think it’s possible she was trying to protect you?” “Everybody says that, I mean I guess it’s possible, but I could have at least woken up and called the police.” “Ok, let’s not talk about that possibility, do you think that she was knocked unconscious before she could scream again.” I closed my eyes and felt my face scrunch up in realization. “No, I heard heavy footsteps, and then what sounded like a ball hitting something, and then what sounded like a person being slammed against a wall, and then silence, then footsteps descending, and what sounded like things being put up” I opened my eyes and tears began to fall again.I didn’t realize I could hear so much shit while I was sleep, and pissed me off even more because there was really something I could have done to prevent this, I knew she was kidnapped, and slept peacefully less than 20 feet from where she was taken, I could’ve done a lot to save her, and she’d still be here. “I know that look, it’s not your fault. Yes, there’s probably something you could’ve done, but it’s probably a sign that you didn’t. Surely you know who was involved by now, if you had awaken, you probably would’ve done something dangerous, and it would be you in jail, not the one who took her. As long as you can live with knowing you did everything you could to find her, that’s all that matters.” “You’re right, but I didn’t do everything I could to save her” I said finally looking at her again. “What do you mean by that?” “It was so obvious who took her, but I was so upset with myself for letting her get taken, that I wasn’t thinking clearly, it should not have taken 5 months to find her!” “So what happened when you finally found her?” I took a deep breath before speaking. “I knew they were supposed to be rescuing her that day, so I ordered a cake for her arrival. I was awaken by the bakery calling and saying the cake was ready, when I hung up the phone, I saw Taina had sent me a text saying that they were pulling up to the house, so I decided to go ahead and get up and go pick up the cake. When my sister and I stopped at a light, a girl jumped out of the trunk of the one other car that was stopped. Because it was so early, I didn’t know who it was, until my sister said something. I saw Tiana head off towards the park/woods, and I followed the car and parked in an abandoned parking lot, and chased them, but because I knew where I was and where she was probably headed, I took a shortcut. I was about 50 feet or so away from the area she was more than likely headed to when I heard dogs barking, helicopters, and yelling, followed by gunshots, so as an impulse I ran faster, and when I reached my destination I saw her lying on the ground, bleeding out. Another opportunity to save her, and I missed it all because I slowed down a little.” “Issa, even if you would have driven your car through that park, she would’ve still been shot. Whoever took her, can’t handle pressure, so if he or she felt they were being close to getting caught, she would be shot regardless. Now, if the police had stayed behind them a little, and went behind you and stayed until you and Tiana reached each other, the results would have been different.” “I guess. You might be right, thanks doc, but I do believe my time is up” I said looking at my phone, and standing up. “No problem, but I would like for you to come back at least 2 more times at your own will, just so we can talk about your progress.” I nodded in agreement and walked out of her office, glad she’s not greedy, any other doctor would’ve made me come back every week until they felt I was better, and we would’ve wasted time talking about nothing. With Dr. Tessa I didn’t feel like I was in a therapist’s office, she felt like a trusted adult, glad she made use of the hour we had together, she opened my eyes to a lot of stuff that I hadn’t thought about. I mean I knew it wasn’t my fault that she was kidnapped and shot, but I still blamed myself since I hadn’t done anything, but Dr. Tessa made me realize the other reasons why I hadn’t done all I believed I could have done. Maybe that’s my problem: I’m too focused on what I could have done, and not what I actually did. If I hadn’t gotten up to go get the cake, I wouldn’t have seen her, and if I didn’t have Agyei in the car with me, I wouldn’t have notice it was Tiana who jumped out, and the police wouldn’t have been called, and there’s no telling where she would’ve been at. Even though she’s no longer with us, it still gives me a piece of mind knowing where she’s at. With this information, I can relax a little, but I still have little more self-healing to do, before I’m completely fine with everything, but today is definitely a start.