Moving On Is Hard [Trilogy]

New Beginnings

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::Taina::

After we ate and everything, I packed up to go to class. I left Que at the house with Jasmine, but I should be at home by 2, I don’t have that many classes today. This shit still feels weird not being able to joke around and talk about people on campus with my best friend until we went our separate ways. Tiana and I were both criminal justice majors, but she was computer forensics, and I’m forensic science, so we did have some classes together, but every semester we would always have different morning classes. I was making my way to the building my class was being held in, when somebody bumped into me, causing me to drop my books. “I am so sorry” the girl said. “It’s cool, I probably should’ve been paying attention too.” I told her honestly. Where the fuck did this calm attitude of mine come from? Maybe it’s because I’m in a good mood. “Again I’m sorry, I’m new here and still get confused, but can you tell me where the 500 building is?” It’s like March now, we’ve been in school since January, how does she not know? “How new are you???” “Oh! I’ve been here since the semester started, it’s just I’ve never been in the 500 building, and I’m supposed to be working on a group project in there.” “Oh, well I’m headed that way now, so just follow me.” I told her as we started walking. “Thanks. I’m Tallia by the way” she introduced. “Taina. So are you a criminal justice major?” “Yeah, but I’m waiting on my credits to transfer, so I’m taking a lot of classes I probably don’t need.” “Cool, what specifically?” might as well make this journey less awkward. “Homeland security.” “I thought about doing that, is it hard?” “Not really, but then again it depends on your take on it, some people will say it’s hard, and not only that I’ve only taken classes at Clark Atlanta before now.” “Why’d you transfer?” “Convenience, it’s a lot closer, and I got tired of paying that toll every day.” We both giggled slightly “I feel you on that.” “Yeah, so you’re criminal justice too?” she asked me. “Yeah, forensic science.” We were now in the building. “Sounds hard, but I’m not real big on science though.” Sounds like Tiana. “What room are you looking for?” I asked her “Oh, the front room, which I’d thought would be right here” she stated confusedly. “Nah, we came in through the back door. So, just go to where the exit sign is and it’ll lead you to the front” I told her, since I had to go in another direction. “Thanks” she said before we went our separate ways. She seems nice. Anyway, I made my way towards class, time to get my day started.

::Issa::

After the weird ass dream, the talk with Agyei, and my cool down at the park I went back home and just slept everything off. That girl who sat next to me did seem familiar, but I didn’t want people to see me crying, so that’s why I left the park. The child from my dream really had me confused who was she and who was ‘mommy’????? why didn’t her ‘mom’ ever come around??? She did look like a cross between Tiana and I though, so maybe Tiana is her mom, and I’m her dad???? Nah, they can’t be true, Tiana would visit me in my dreams if given the chance, right? Of course she would.

Today, I’m goin to ma dukes house to apologize, or at least attempt to, as long as she don’t get on me about goin to see a damn therapist. After that, imma drop by the studio and record a song or two, it’s time to start working on another mixtape or something. I have fans, and I just can’t leave them hanging because I’m feeling some type of way, they deserve better, so it’s time to work on a few videos as well. It’s time to channel all my hurt, aggression, and other emotions into my music, it’s time to make my music a lot more real than it’s ever been. I’ve already been told each mixtape is better than the last, so it’s only right I come back harder than ever before. Tiana was one to push me to go into the studio more often, but that doesn’t mean I should just stop going altogether just because she’s not here, not the way she would’ve wanted it. I miss her every day, but there’s nothing to be done about it, I gotta live my life, and get myself together.

I texted Ricki and told her to keep Isa until I do, and she understood completely, as long as I do what I was doing before I physically spent time with Isa. It’s still hard to believe that I would’ve had another daughter, I the only way I can see her is through a dream, if that’s even my daughter. I just need a few more days to myself after today, just to analyze everything, and come to terms with all of this. Even though it’s been a year, I’ve never really tried to get over any of this, I was starting to lose hope in myself, and that’s not good, I still have family, friends, and fans to live for, so there’s no way I could just give up on myself. It’s gonna take a lot more than having an internal battle with myself to get over all of this, hopefully my music will though.

I got up did my hygiene, and got dressed, might as well get this confrontation with ma dukes over wit. I grabbed my keys and phone and walked out the house locking the doors behind me. I pulled up to ma dukes house slower than usual, guess I really am dreading this conversation. I took a deep breath before getting out the car and knocking on the door. Agyei let me in and told me ma dukes was in the kitchen. I knocked on the wall closest to the doorway. “Issa???” she said confusedly and her voice sounded like it was breaking. “Yeah, I came to talk to you.” I couldn’t look at her, it hurts too much to know I’m the reason she’s on the verge of a breakdown. “Ok, follow me.” She said and led us to the dining room, and she sat down, and I sat across from her. “I’m sorry for my behavior lately, and being rude and disrespectful. It’s not your fault, I just wanted everybody to leave me alone until I figured out how to deal with everything on my own, so I snapped on everybody who wanted me to get help their way. I know I shouldn’t have acted like that towards you, but I had never dealt with something this deep, so I didn’t know how to handle it, but I wanted to find my own coping mechanisms which is why I pushed everyone away, to avoid situations like this. I didn’t and still don’t want to see a therapist, I just feel like it’ll make me seem crazy, and I know I’m far from it. But please just give me some time, and let me deal with this in my own way, please.” I begged with a few tears flowing. Ma dukes was crying too. “I will, and I’ll try to stop pestering you about going to see a doctor, I just don’t want you to end up doing something you’ll regret. Just promise you’ll come talk to me if you can’t handle it, and we’ll get through it together, without a doctor unless you just want to go to one.” “I promise, and again I apologize.” “I understand, Tiana was like another child to me, but you can’t let this get to you too much, at some point you’re gonna have to move on.” “I know, but I’m scared to do that. It seems every time I get close to a girlfriend they disappear. I mean Amber did come back, but Tiana is like gone, like for real. And no matter how much I want it to be a dream, I know it’s reality.” I guess I should have been talked about this, I’m starting to feel a little better, guess you can’t keep stuff like this bottled up. “I know, you’re gonna be ok, just don’t lose your faith, she’s watching over you now” she assured rubbing my back, now sitting next to me. “I’m not saying forget her, remember her words of advice and encouragement, we know she doesn’t like to see anybody she cares about sad or mad at the world for something they have no control over.” “You’re right.” “I know I am, now you’re staying for dinner right??? Of course you are, there’s no telling when’s the last time you had a decent meal.” She laughed at her answering her own question and joking about my poor eating habits. “Yeah, I’m coming back though, I need to talk to Tai to understand how to deal with this, and use her tips on how to stay calm.” I told ma dukes as I stood up, she stood too and wiped my tears. “Alright now, if you don’t show up, I will track you down and drag you back into this house.” I knew she was dead serious, so I didn’t argue with her, I nodded my head and grabbed keys. I gave her a bear hug, and apologized once more and told her to stop blaming herself for my behavior before kissing her forehead and heading out the dining room and eventually the house.

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filler chapter, wanted to update... it's finals time and i'm going through hell with all these projects and studying, but Tuesday is my last day, so i'll be able to update a little more :)

s/o to arlex95... she read all three books in like a week, the love is real... Lol thanks tho