Stuck with me

sept - she's so vacant

Valerie

All week I lay locked in my room under the vintage rose print comforter. I want to lay there until all the warmth of the sheets and blankets causes me to shrivel up into a puddle of nothing and I'm nonexistent.
Never. Never has anyone scared me this much in my entire life. He scares me; or maybe it's just the thought.
The thought that I could give myself to him without him throwing it to the side.
That scares me because what if it's not true? And that's why I'll push him away, I'll shove him to the ends of the earth. I'll never let him see that part of me.
But maybe he's already seen it.
That is what sends me into a spiral of self destruction; why am I so inevitably transparent?
Maybe I need a distraction.
As I took the cold, brass frame in my hands, I stare at the photograph of my mother, her belly swollen and her cheeks flushed pink, a garden of brunette hair with golden streaks running down past her shoulders.
Everyone has always said I looked like her, but I couldn't even compare. My mother was a goddess amongst us. She lit up the entire house; made it bright and alive.
Now, it's not dark. It's still bright, but it's not as bright, and there's an emptiness inside it.
My father has become blind. It's like he's oblivious. It seems as if Angie is just a doll filling in for mom. She doesn't mean anything to him. I already know. It's visible.
I lay the photograph down on the bedside desk, and roll over on my side, the wall now in contact with my face, and I breathe so hard that the air radiates back to my cheeks.
What does Billie want out of me? Why does he invite me to his shows? Why does he keep me around? Why can't I get him out of my head?
Why am I contemplating this?
Cam would squeal if she saw the thoughts swimming around in my head. She'd say it's fate like the niave little girl she is, believing fate works like that. I haven't talked to her in nearly two weeks, likewise with Jasper.
Fate is ignorant. It's not fate, it's circumstance. It's the fact that we met and there's something about him that draws me in like a magnetic force, but I repel it because of the stubborn girl I am.
And nothing about that will ever change.