dearest keepers

Dear Kitten

December 22, 2013

I really want to make this at least half as good as all of the dedications you make to me, you know? It's just been kind of hard to actually write this letter, because when I think of you all of my thoughts are so strange and flexible. 

When you pop into my mind, it's automatically the obvious thought: Oh, Lexi? She's my best friend.

Which is true, quite obviously. But when I actually take the time to think about my friends (which is pretty often, actually), and your name makes its way to the front of my thoughts, everything gets so jumbled. There are literally a million different things about you that always try to grab at my attention first, I mean probably because we've been friends for so long.

Which is even weirder in my mind, because we've only gotten super super close in the past year. Because of her, as you already know.

I still feel really bad over the whole friendship with her, to be honest... like, when the two of you stopped being friends I always felt pressured to choose a side, and I couldn't at the time. Not to mention I was with her literally every weekend, so she got pretty good at manipulating me. Ha, I'm easy to manipulate anyway so I can't really blame any of that on anyone except for myself, and I'm still sorry for the whole thing. I guess we can't really complain though, I mean look at us now. We got so much closer because of everything we were put through, and it made us stronger individually. Sure, the fights we constantly got into took its toll on me, and I'm sure it did the same to you, but in my mind, everything happens for a specific reason.

And the reason for all of that drama was to become each others life preservers from then on.

Oh God, I'm corny, I know.

It's true though. You know far more about me than any of my other friends. You know more about me and my life than Autumn does, or Nicky, or Kayla, or anyone. It's so easy to trust you, so you should take this whole thing as a compliment. To be honest, I completely trust you with my life. Which in a way, I've already given you. If that makes any sense at all, which it probably doesn't. What I mean is that all of those secrets and tidbits and just random things I tell you throughout the day are my life. Some of it I wish hadn't happened the way it did, but it's written into my history. Which I trust you with completely. You've never ever given me a reason not to.

And I think it's safe to say you've trusted me with yours, as well. I mean, obviously I know there are some things you haven't told me, and might not, but that's fine. There's always going to be that one part of each of us that's under lock and key no matter what. There has to be some mystery, right? 

Whenever you tell me something about yourself, whether it be a secret or a regret or anything, I feel so special, you know? That probably sounds really stupid, but it's true. I feel so happy to have more of an insight into your life, and to know that you feel comfortable enough with me to actually trust me with what you're saying. I feel so incredibly grateful for that, and for the fact that I somehow managed to help you through so much. You're right when you tell me I don't realize how much I actually do help you, because I don't, but it doesn't matter as long as I managed to.

I love how we can be so silly together, yet dead serious when we need to be. When one of us needs someone to listen to them rant and scream and cry their heart out, the other is there right away. No matter what we're doing, we try. Which is good, because that shows the wall of trust we've built up. It was a slow process, because of false betrayals caused by one person last year. It took time because our own meanings of trust were completely destroyed at different points, and we both had to take the time to carefully rebuild them. 

You say I taught you how to trust again, which I find strange because I was still learning to at the same time. Do you remember earlier this year when you, Ally, and I were talking about the walls each of us built up? We said yours and Ally's were made out of sand and relatively easy to get through, and the both of you agreed that mine was solid concrete. That was so weird hearing, because nearly everyone I've known has said I'm too naive and far too easy to manipulate and get to open up. It was just... different hearing that, and I look back at it and kind of go into shock at how much we've actually changed since that conversation.

You've become a warrior, and I've apparently become a fire starter. Since everything last year, you've become stronger and more aware of who to give your trust to. I've developed more of a voice and have become more opinionated with people. We've both learned about trust and fake friends and who's actually there for each of us and who will always stay there, never leaving.

Lexi, you're completely silly, but you have a mind of your own. Your own voice and armor to protect yourself. You're still naive in some areas, but that's okay. I am, too. Nothing would be new to either of us if we knew what to do or say in every situation.

You've helped me through so much, and I can't ever repay you for that. I love you, and thank you.