The election is just a week away, I don't know what to do or how I feel right now. I don't believe in God anymore, and I''m fairly certain I'm bisexual. My friends are honestly for Trump (Rachel and Megan), and I would rather have Hilary (same with Jack). I want to be more open, but I'm not sure what to do. I know it will get better, even if it's not right away. I might be in and out of a depressed state again, but I have no honest clue. I keep to myself and I've been getting more apathetic as the days go on. I don't want to go to college, I'd rather stay at home and try to program my game. I want to be more confident and maybe ask someone out. But that won't happen, maybe if I care to talk to someone and fall in love, yet I don't care to keep a relationship myself. I still find it funny, I chose video game designer as a joke, yet here I am working towards it. It probably won't go anywhere, but I want to say I tried.
I want to write down my experiences and feelings, yet I know I won't care or forget. (To my later self: )Can you help yourself and try to be successful, don't give up, keep writing for your sanity's sake. I may be forever alone. I'm in Study Hall right now, and honestly am loving Alex talk. Alex just said "Whatever you want me to be, I'll be. " I like that attitude, and I'mma try to adopt it in any way (Mostly if I'mm ever in a relationship). But seriously, I need to get at least an idea of what I want in life.
I want a successful life, and stay humble. I want people to know my name, yet have no clue who I am. I want love, yet I don't want someone to give up on me, which even I think is asking for too much. I just want to be comfortable with my future, without question. I don't want people to set expectations for me, because they'll be easily demolished. I want my friends to stop thinking religion is something to argue about. I want people to change, yet I don't want to, how ironic. I need things to talk about, and need to be comfortable with others. I don't want conversations to stop when I join in; I want them to thrive and grow. I don't want to get anxiety simply from waking up a few minutes late, or for doing/saying one bad thing. I don't want to discover new friends, yet I want to be around to new people. I want to be anonymously well, yet I want to feel a more personal connection. I want to talk to my friends about anything, without getting anxiety from it. Maybe I'll write a book (if I can even finish my game). I keep saying want, because I'm not sure what I need.
But I know if I ever voiced this, my voice would be crackling with tears down my face because I can't deal with others knowing my 'struggles'(if you can even call them that). It could/can/probably will get worse, but that doesn't mean I can't fight to survive through it or work through it, ya know? I should do this more often, it was a nicely spent Study Hall in my opinion.
Part of me thinks I might have a crush, but it won't last long, it never really does. Maybe one day it'll stick, but when that day comes, they'll be gone. I'm too caught up in a fantasy to want believe in a reality, but here I am.
Maybe I should put this on the Internet, but I guess I'll think about it. Sadly, the bell is about to ring, so this is goodbye until next time.
YOU ARE READING
Some Entries
Kurgu OlmayanJust some journal entries of mine. You somehow want more? Then comment or some shit, idk.