Some Entries

11/3/16

The election is just a week away, I don't know what to do or how I feel right now. I don't believe in God anymore, and I''m fairly certain I'm bisexual. My friends are honestly for Trump (Rachel and Megan), and I would rather have Hilary (same with Jack). I want to be more open, but I'm not sure what to do. I know it will get better, even if it's not right away. I might be in and out of a depressed state again, but I have no honest clue. I keep to myself and I've been getting more apathetic as the days go on. I don't want to go to college, I'd rather stay at home and try to program my game. I want to be more confident and maybe ask someone out. But that won't happen, maybe if I care to talk to someone and fall in love, yet I don't care to keep a relationship myself. I still find it funny, I chose video game designer as a joke, yet here I am working towards it. It probably won't go anywhere, but I want to say I tried.

I want to write down my experiences and feelings, yet I know I won't care or forget. (To my later self: )Can you help yourself and try to be successful, don't give up, keep writing for your sanity's sake. I may be forever alone. I'm in Study Hall right now, and honestly am loving Alex talk. Alex just said "Whatever you want me to be, I'll be. " I like that attitude, and I'mma try to adopt it in any way (Mostly if I'mm ever in a relationship). But seriously, I need to get at least an idea of what I want in life.

I want a successful life, and stay humble. I want people to know my name, yet have no clue who I am. I want love, yet I don't want someone to give up on me, which even I think is asking for too much. I just want to be comfortable with my future, without question. I don't want people to set expectations for me, because they'll be easily demolished. I want my friends to stop thinking religion is something to argue about. I want people to change, yet I don't want to, how ironic. I need things to talk about, and need to be comfortable with others. I don't want conversations to stop when I join in; I want them to thrive and grow. I don't want to get anxiety simply from waking up a few minutes late, or for doing/saying one bad thing. I don't want to discover new friends, yet I want to be around to new people. I want to be anonymously well, yet I want to feel a more personal connection. I want to talk to my friends about anything, without getting anxiety from it. Maybe I'll write a book (if I can even finish my game). I keep saying want, because I'm not sure what I need.

But I know if I ever voiced this, my voice would be crackling with tears down my face because I can't deal with others knowing my 'struggles'(if you can even call them that). It could/can/probably will get worse, but that doesn't mean I can't fight to survive through it or work through it, ya know? I should do this more often, it was a nicely spent Study Hall in my opinion.

Part of me thinks I might have a crush, but it won't last long, it never really does. Maybe one day it'll stick, but when that day comes, they'll be gone. I'm too caught up in a fantasy to want believe in a reality, but here I am.

Maybe I should put this on the Internet, but I guess I'll think about it. Sadly, the bell is about to ring, so this is goodbye until next time.