The Mistakes We Made

Part XV

"Are you aware that whenever I wasn't doing well, I'd put my matress on the floor, listen to your voice and go back to the time when the both of us were young? And in love. And things were so easy. And still, we thought they were incredibly difficult.", Stevie asked him some time later, now lying beside him, having Lindsey playing with her long, golden hair.

He looked up at her and saw how hard it was for her to make herself completely vulnerable to him, "You listened to my voice?"

"Yeah. I mean, your songs... I have never told you that before, have I?", she turned her head to meet his eyes.

"Well, I knew about the matress-thing.", Lindsey admitted, "But I had no idea it was my voice you were listening to."

"Well, it was."

"You missed me?"

"I did."

"Even though I was a possessive, self-centered asshole back then that took you for granted?", Lindsey asked with a smirk, quoting her words from one of their worst arguments.

"Yeah, I missed you, though.", she chuckled, "I guess, I missed us. I mean, us as a couple. As a happy couple. The people we used to be before all this crazy shit happened with the band."

"That band ruined us.", Lindsey said, sadly shaking his head.

"I know you think we would have stayed together, if we hadn't joined Fleetwood..-"

"I'm sure about that.", he interrupted her, "I just know it, Stevie."

"We both know there were other things standing in our way, as well.."

"Stevie.."

"I would have never been able to give you children, Lindsey."

"We could have adopted."

"It's not the same."

"I would have never left you because of that.", Lindsey said, deeply looking into her eyes, "You hear me? Never."

"It's so hard for me to think about it, still..", Stevie said, she had started to cry, "Every pregnancy I would get my hopes up and then... lose another baby."

"Shhh, don't go there..", Lindsey soothed her, enveloping her in his arms.

"I still think it's my fault, you know. That it had to do with all the drugs I was consuming back then that I was never able to carry full term.", she went on, nevertheless.

"But you miscarried both our children when you were clean, Steph. Once, before you even started doing drugs, and the second time, when you were finally off them, again. Don't put the blame on yourself. I know it's hard but some things are just not meant to be."

"It hurts me so much, still..", Stevie sobbed, "There were so many of them, Lindsey. So many babies I lost."

"Oh, Steph, I know.." Lindsey said softly, completely overwhelmed with the situation he was facing, not knowing how to calm her down, again, "It hurts me, too. You would have made an incredible mom."

"You know, what is the worst part of it, though?", Stevie said, wiping away some of her tears, "That my shitfaced self told some fucking reporter that I had four abortions. I just suppressed the fact that I had to have the D&C procedures done because those poor little babies were already dead inside of me."

"Stevie..", Lindsey sighed helplessly, not knowing where all of that was coming from, all of a sudden. One minute they had the most incredible sex, and then the next minute, she was crying because of her miscarriages.

"I mean, I cannot imagine what kind of impression that made on other people. I must have looked like the most self-absorbed person on the whole planet. A woman, rich enough to pay for hundreds of children, killing her own babies because they seemed inconvenient to her."

"But that couldn't be further from the truth..", Lindsey said.

"But they do not know that, Lindsey!", Stevie said, sitting up against the wall, "Nobody knows that except of a handful of people.."

"Yeah, because it's none of their business, Stevie.", he said, "You don't owe any of them an explanation. This is your life. Just because you're in the public eye, it doesn't mean that random people have the right to tell you what to do."

When Stevie still wasn't convinced by his words, Lindsey took her hand into his to make her look at him, "Look. I have no idea where all of that is coming from, all of a sudden, Steph. I don't know why all these ghosts from the past are hunting you, why you can't come to terms with your past, but I do love you. And there are millions of other people out there that love you, too. Not as much as I do, of course," that caused Stevie to smile, "but still, they do. I hate seeing you like this. I know it's important that we talk about things like that, and obviously, this subject is still heavy on your mind but it hurts me so much when you cry like that. It just breaks my heart..", Lindsey admitted.

Stevie nodded and squeezed his hand appreciatively, "I'm sorry. It's just.. as I get older I start to think about these kind of things more often. It got better since we're seeing each other again. I guess it just has to do with my loneliness.. You can't imagine how often I dreamed of having my house filled with some child's laugh.."

"Come here.", Lindsey muttered and pulled her into his open arms, holding her as close to himself as possible.

"Just know, that as much as it hurt me to see you with her, I'll be forever thankful that Kristen gave you what I never could - a family that is.", Stevie said.

"I've always wanted to experience that with you, actually. You know that, don't you?!", Lindsey asked teary-eyed.

"Yeah, I know..", Stevie whispered, closing her eyes to keep them from shedding any more tears, "I know, Lindsey."

"I need you to promise me something, Steph.", Lindsey said, backing off some to meet her eyes.

"What?"

"Promise me, that whatever it is that is bothering you, you'll come and talk to me. Don't bottle those thoughts up! No more secrets. As ridiculous as it might seem to you, if it is on your mind, if it is indeed bothering you, then I want to know. I'm almost a hundred percent sure that not talking to each other was what split us up in the first place. I don't want history to repeat itself. I'm not going to lose you again because our communication sucks. Not again. Not ever again."

"I don't want that, either..", Stevie admitted.

"You promise me that?"

"Yeah, I do.", she said, nodding at the same time, "No more secrets."

"No more secrets.", he repeated her words with a sad smile and kissed her softly on the lips before pulling her into another hug.