Mixed Thoughts

B.P.D-E-A-T-H

You did not hear me when I screamed.

I screamed so loud, but you never heard

I cannot think for myself anymore

I cannot think because I am not myself

I spent years, all those years you knew me

but you never knew me

You knew my mirror, my reflection

but you never knew the words I spoke when no one was around

words never let around in society

in fear of being bled out by our own pain

I watched you watch me

Watch me scream and rage but I never felt a thing

I was numb, but my warm skin told you otherwise

Is that why you left me, mother?

Because I could not hold my head straight,

and speak my mind?

Was there a mind in there to start with?

What if everything I thought was true was nothing but an illusion?

What if every truth I ever told was nothing but a lie?

Is that why you left me, mother?

Because I only drowned in grey water,

unable to swim to shore?

Unable to see my own hands because my thoughts clouded my whole entire vision?

Changed how I saw the world?

I took medication for years, mother

but do you see me getting better?

Did you listen when I told you I was trying?

Did you really care?

Is every doubt a reality in another world

or is it another theory left for those with nothing to believe in?

Is there a God, mother?

Why hasn't he protected me from the devil knocking at my door?

Why did he let the chains wind me up

and lock me away in the dungeon of my own mind?

Why did you leave me, mother? 

You diagnosed me as a BPD,

but I could never think that there was something wrong, mother

Is it wrong to think outside the box?

To live another life based on what I see and hear,

to use every sense to push me into the river

and let the tears flow freely?

The salt in the fresh water,

every sad thought just floating midstream,

yet polluting all that I need in my life?

Was happiness a choice for me , mother?

Is that why you left me?