Mixed Thoughts

Sane and Sober ( Part 1)

I'm not sane and sure as hell not sober

Don't want to disappoint you again as I always have

But I don't feel any better

My mind is like a sinking hole of dark quicksand

My tongue feels misplaced

Thoughts crushing my abattoir dream-ridden brain

Smothering my unholy emotions

Bruising my long-forgotten happiness

Bone-twisting insanity 

Calling to me in my silent stupor 

My awakened sleep

My biological mother was told to be a stark-raving psycho

She was told to be lost at the brightly decapitated scene

I don't know what I am meant to believe

But I've led myself far enough into my mind to see that you abandoned me

And dove headfirst into your heartfelt disease

And I find it hard to choke down my scratched up throat that you ever looked back at me

And I find it pitiful to even hope that you did regret what you did

This invisible stability of mine is a manic-depressive playground

Where everyone runs away with silent half-screams

Because there are skeletons in my shaded closet that come out there

And haunt me again because their memory was left for dead under 

The dust hidden beneath this stone cold bed

Knee-Deep in this house of control and it is likebg I never left

Luscious thoughts in my black and blue arteries

Cheering for a living, but eternal death

I know I am alive, despite my ragged breath

But if I were dead I wonder if I would die living 

And if I try like I've always tried, would I survive it?

Or would I die in a different, more humane death despite my extraordinary mind set?

Thinking, living without knowing what may be on the other side

If there even is another side?

If I had a key to the magic kingdom

A bright golden place where only great feeling were to be allowed

Would they even let me in? 

If not, where do I go once I finally decease?