Mixed Thoughts

S.C.H.I.Z.O.P.H.R.E.N.I-mpossible

I heard my mothers screams

Never come back, she said

and I never did

For all I needed was Callisto

You told me she did not exist

But you were blind to belief

All because you didn't see things that I did,

Like I did

You don't see her , but I do

Her long sating black hair hanging to her knees

Her porecilan doll skin

He cracked beauty

She completed me in a way you couldn't

You told me I was crazy

Therapists telling me I fell off the cliff of schizophrenic

But she comforted me, Mother.

She comforted me when you turned your back.

When you coughed out threats with a mouth of Mary Jane

and drowned yourself in your own self-pity

You said that I was a mistake

But Callisto said that I was meant to happen, 

because evrything happens for a reason

And when you got drunk and came home angry

when you abused me with your stone heart in play,

She was there

She tended the wounds, healed the bruises you left on me

She filled the holes you tore in my heart

So how dare you tell me she is not real?

That she is a lie in the face of reality,

when the only lie I've ever heard was you telling me you loved me!

How long was that, mother?

Wasn't I 4?

How old am I now mother?

Yeah! I'm 15!

Callisto celebrated my birthday,

When all you did is get a bottle of booze and get lost 

When the only thing you wished to lose was me

You said I was fucking crazy, but

Crazy

is not thinking outside the box

Crazy

is the denial of anothers truth

Crazy

is thinking you're always right

Crazy

is tying yourself to your own emotions

I can go on forever about what kind of mother you were to me

Those sober moments with nothing but a belt in your hand,

whipping your five year old daughter until she bleeds

Just a fucking five year old

But you never cared about anyones opinion but your own

But most of all you abused me for mine

You took those pills

like the way you stole the candy from your own god damn baby

And you starved me while you basked in your own reality

You didn't love me, mother

You called me a fucking freak

A freak because I had a different opinion than yours

A freak because I told you you were wrong

A freak because I opened my mind to the possibility

that there might be another world out there

a world for someone like me

A freak because I had Callisto

When you didn't care when I suffered,

She did.

When you didn't care about my scars,

She told me of a better future

She inspired me, mother

but what about you?

You hit me whenever I cried

You and yourself alone were a fucking mistake

I bet even now, you are binging and watching sitcoms

and playing hard with the hookers across the street

And even though I hate you and I haven't seen you for years now,

I still wonder about you mother

And I still wonder if you ever think about me.