I'm like 90% sure that the following is just me rambling aimlessly about my feelings and talking in circles and generally making no sense. Proceed with caution.
I'm going to be honest.
I've never been in a relationship in real life. All of the relationships I've had have been online and long distance, so I don't know what it's like to touch, to look deep into someone's eyes, to cuddle and feel someone's warmth, to have tickle fights, to hold hands, to feel like our fingers fit perfectly between each other's, to feel someone's lips against mine, nothing. I've only ever held hands with a boy (that's not related to me) maybe four times in my life (that I actually remember) and it was generally because we were doing activities in choir or gym, and I don't count any of the girls I've hugged and held hands with because they were all heterosexual friends. So.
I don't know what any of that's like. I can't relate to people that are in physical relationships where they can hold each other close and kiss and touch and all that jazz. I just don't know.
But I do know what it's like to love somebody.
I know what it's like to be so fucking head-over-heels, besotted, smitten, and just 1000% gone for somebody that you can't imagine your life without them until they really do leave. I know the adoration, the devotion, the ardor, the longing, the fascination, the heartbreak, the loneliness – god, do I know the loneliness.
Everyone I've ever fallen in love with has hurt me. Now, I'm not going to act like I'm always the victim, like I know a lot of others tend to do. I won't pretend that I'm innocent. I've hurt others too. I've broken hearts, I've been the one to end things, I've made people cry before. I've been selfish before, just like other people have been selfish too.
I don't know if what I felt was the deepest form of love. I don't think it was, any of those times. I think when you feel the deepest, most intense, most lasting form of love, it doesn't just end. When you're in love with someone, like really fucking in love, then I think that's just it. You just love them. They just love you. You're both just so fucking in love that you can't stand the thought of leaving each other, so you simply don't. You're it for each other. Like the one.
I really want to find the one. But I'm only seventeen years old. I'm barely graduating high school in a month. I still have so many years ahead of myself.
And y'know what? So do all of you.
I see so many people, mainly young girls on here, diving head-first into relationships and I can't do anything but watch you drown in the deep-end of a pool of intense devotion and co-dependency. I'm not trying to sound condescending because I'm included in this too.
I think I want to address this to all of the young teens in the world, even though only maybe a hundred people will end up reading this.
Don't get offended by what i'm going to say, or take it too personally, or interpret it as me belittling a relationship you may be in.
Most of the love we think we're experiencing in our youth are just really fucking intense crushes. The thing with adoration, especially at young ages, is that it wraps itself around our hearts, digs its claws into our brains, and starts tightening like a boa constrictor until everything throbs and hurts and feels like both the end of the world and the beginning. Everything feels intense and final and like this is it, this is the one, when it's most likely not.
We're all going to experience so many fucking things in life. I can't even fucking tell you how many things. We're only like, 12 to 18 here. We're in the prime of our youth. But that's just it – it's our youth. We're only adolescents. We have our entire lives ahead of us. Yet I'm always seeing people investing their whole selves into these relationships that end up only lasting a couple months, at the most, and end in what feels like crippling heartache. Friendships shatter, bonds are broken, our hearts grow bitter until we find someone new, another person that makes us feel special and alive and lovely. Then we repeat.
What I'm trying to say is that I don't understand anymore. I don't get it anymore.
Love hurts. It really fucking hurts. Obsession hurts, infatuation hurts, adoration hurts, crushes hurt, curiosity hurts, everything in this stupid realm of butterflies and sadness and blushing cheeks hurts.
I see it all the time. I see my friends crying over someone they loved, someone they lost, someone that hurt them. We're only kids. We're children. We shouldn't be crying and cutting and wanting to kill ourselves over ended relationships when most of us haven't lived even a quarter of our lives yet.
Relationships don't have any appeal to me anymore. Love has destroyed itself in my eyes. I don't want it anymore. I need it, I need it a lot, I think I need it even more than the air I breathe, somehow, because I'm lonely and selfish and feel cold at night.
I need the affection and the warmth and the kindness and the love and the intimacy and the connection and the wow I really need this person. But I don't want the fucking drama.
I don't want to get my heart broken. I don't want to invest my whole self in something that's bound to break. I don't want to risk everything, put it all on the line, when I know it's not going to work out in the end anyway.
I want to marry someone that can be my best friend and my lover all in one. Someone that I can count on, that I can rely on to pull through for me and be there by my side when I need them, and vice versa. Someone who can be my equal and my confidant and my companion and my friend. Someone who can make me smile like no one else and make me buzz like a bee and tremble with the weight of our love. Someone who I know won't ever fuck me over like I see everyone else doing. Someone I can just fucking trust. That's the one thing I need. I need trust. I need trust and respect and affection and jokes.
And it boggles my mind that all I can find is carelessness, reckless deceit, betrayal, cheating, sadness, and anger.
I want a cliche. I want a hero and I want a fairytale and I want a happy ending.
All I can do is dream and hope that one day, I'll get it.
I'm tired of being alone, but I'm even more tired of being hurt.
