Far From Here (A Marianas Trench FanFic)

Chapter Five

“Why won’t he come see me? Or at least call me? Or write a letter?” I whispered to Josh one day, trying to hide the hole inside me as I watched Matt walk out of the rehab center. The withdrawal was better that day, not nearly as fierce as it had been two weeks ago.

            “Because he can’t face you. He has that image of you, beaten and raped, embedded in his brain. He blames himself for what happened to you. He thinks that if he’d had the courage to ask you out before you started dating Alex, everything could have been avoided.” Josh explained, stopping when he saw my tears. I shook my head, the love I had for Matt stabbing painfully into the empty place where my heart normally was. I remember asking for paper then, and managing to force myself to get my feelings out. It would later become a song, as I refined the wording a bit.

I don’t know what to do

It’s way too hard

I must say the words

But how can I?

I’ve driven you away

Pushed as hard as I could

Bottled it all up inside

And now you’re gone

I’ve driven you away

I’m all done running

Unless it’s into your arms

I must say the words

But how can I?

I’ve driven you away

Pushed as hard as I could

And now you’re gone

I’ve driven you away

No matter the consequences

I will love you

No matter the circumstances

I will love you

But will you ever love me back?

I’ve driven you away

Pushed as hard as I could

And now you’re gone

I’ve driven you away

The flow of the words matched my tears, and I knew. I was so desperately in love with Matt that I doubted it would ever fade. And he’d never love me back, not as the fuck up I was now. I knew I had to get better. I was fighting for something bigger than me. I was fighting for Matt too.

            “Can I see, Kris? I won’t tell anyone.” Josh asked, and I wordlessly handed him the paper, covered in my chick scratch. He read, and his eyes widened.

            “Who is this about?” He murmured and I rolled my eyes.

            “You really have to ask? He’s the Montague to this broken Capulet.” I rasped, knowing Josh understood my adoration for Romeo and Juliet.

            “Wow, you must really love him. He doesn’t deserve it, not after acting like this,” Josh informed me, and I laughed. It was tearful laugh, but laughter nonetheless.

            “You’re right, he doesn’t deserve me. I’m a worthless fuck head who doesn’t know what’s good for her. I never have and I never will.” I choked out, before running up to the room I had been given on arrival. I didn’t know until years later that Josh had called Katie and given her the song to give to Matt. Even then he didn’t come to see me, and I knew the gaping hole in my chest was getting bigger with every day. Finally, about three weeks before school was going to start, Josh and I were released, and we went home happily. I drove us back to our neighborhood in my Hyundai, and started my college applications. I knew I didn’t have a hope in hell of getting into the Chicago School of Art Institute, which was the third highest ranking art college in the US, and would need a HUGE scholarship which I was actually eligible for because of my Canadian citizenship. But I would apply anyway, for my double major in Film and Music.

            Anyway, when school started, all my applications were sent, as were my portfolios, and I’d even helped Katie get hers done. I saw Matt around school, but stayed well away from him. I’d gotten Alex arrested, with Matt’s help, and that had been the last time we’d spoken since that fateful night. Josh was asking for my help to get a band started, and Matt was my first choice for his guitarist. Matt was truly talented, and had a great voice that had excellent harmony with Josh’s. I recommended Morgan Hempsted and Steve Marshall for the bassist and drummer. They worked really well, until about a month and a half before graduation, when both declared for colleges in the US. It was in late April that Katie and I heard back from Chi-town, and we both got exciting news. We’d been accepted! Holy shit, we’d been accepted!!! WE WERE GOING TO CSAI! I told Josh excitedly, literally bouncing up and down and I even hugged Matt in my flushed happiness. It was very awkward, and very brief, but still felt amazing. I didn’t care until that night, when my insomnia prevented sleep, replaying those moments endlessly. God damnit. At least I would be well away from him soon.