Bad Idea~Jonathan Toews Fanfic~

Truth

Warning: Talks of abuse, minor talk of rape.

*

"Fine. I'll tell you", I start.

Jonathan and I sit on the edge of the bed. He wipes a tears from under my eye, and I think about where I should start.

"We met in freshman year of college, at UND. We were both playing hockey there, you had just got drafted onto the Hawks, and the whole school was having a party. We met there, after my roommate had introduced us. A year later, instead of paying a whole bunch more money for a dorm, Brad and I moved into together, off campus. That was when he started going to parties, and getting drunk. I stopped going to the parties, since I never actually saw him there, and I had never liked college parties before then. I would stay home, and most of the time, waited up for him, just to be somewhat considerate. He would come home at one AM, drunk as can be.

"It started as just rough make out sessions, then he started wanting more.....s£x I would refuse sometimes, because it was so late, and I just wanted to sleep. He was okay with it for a while, but after a bit, it started to become more of his choice, rather than mine. I had still enjoyed it at that point, the fact that we had had s£x and that he loved me, and I loved him. But, that winter was when it started", I stop, taking a shaky breath, trying to stop the crying until the end. "He came home one night, drunk. Again. He had wanted s£x again, and I refused, because he was drunk, and it was almost three AM. I had stood up to him, saying we could do it another night, or something like that. He got mad at me. Brad stepped towards me and slapped me across the face. I had fell onto the floor, the force was so strong.

"I fell asleep there, on the floor, afraid to get up, even after he had passed out on our bed in the next room. The next night, I slept on the couch, and the same for the next few days. He was gone by then, with away games, and I had only signed up to be a practice player that year. But, every single night that he came home drunk, asked to have s£x, then I refused, he would do one of two things. Slap or punch me until he settled himself, or, he would drag me into the bedroom and force it".

"CJ. Stop", Jonathan spits out. He stands up from the bed, almost furiously. "I don't get it. Why didn't you leave him?"

"Believe me, Jonathan. I had tried so hard, but my parents couldn't know about this. My father isn't the kind of person to leave something alone, you know that. If I had told him, I don't doubt that he would have literally killed Brad. I had tried to get a dorm room on campus, but everything was full. I tried to get him to move out, but there was no way I could afford that apartment on my own. It cost three times more than what I had made in a month there, Brad had covered the rest from his parents, so technically I couldn't even kick him out, his parents paid for it. I couldn't just quit school either, I needed my college education, so bad".

"I don't get it", Jonathan says. He rubs his forehead, flustered. "Why would he-"

"I don't know, Jonathan. I just don't. What he did to me was something that I can't forget, and what just happened between us is a side effect of that. The nightmares I have, are all him. I haven't found a way to help myself, to stop myself from thinking about it. It doesn't help when I have to see him and the Caps when we have games against them, that's when it gets even worse. You're the first person I've dated or got intimate with since Brad. We're seven months into our relationship, and the farthest we've gotten was what just happened. It hurts me, so much, that I can't go any further, but I just can't".

I start to cry again, and I let the tears run from my face. Jonathan slowly walks back over to me. "CJ, listen to me. Please, don't apologize for that. I don't want you for s£x or anything like that. I want you for you. Your smile, your laugh, your personality. Even if we never do have s£x or go any further than kissing, I'd be okay with that because I would still be with you".

"Everybody wants it at some point. I mean, I want it right now, but what just happened will happen again. You'll get bored with me after a while, not being able to do it. Just like every other guy would. I don't blame you for wanting to leave if I never find myself to do it. I don't think I could, for a very long time".

I look to Jonathan, who squats in front of me. He has a tear in his eye. His voice is shaky. "Damn it, CJ. Please, never, ever say that again. I would wait an eternity if it meant I still got to be with you. Any guy who would leave you because you won't have sex is a loser and a di€k. Don't say that I would leave you, because I wouldn't. Ever. It breaks my heart to know you think that I'd leave you for that, that one little thing".

"I'm screwed up, Jonathan. You have to know that. I can't get intimate with someone without freaking out that he'll hurt me in the process. I can't fix that, I won't be able to. I'm sorry".

"CJ, please, stop apologizing. If you can't fix it, then I can't and won't force you to. I'll wait forever for you. Please, just don't cry anymore, you're making me cry".

That makes me laugh a little bit. "I'd tell the team, and they'd laugh at you for being so emotional".

"If you tell the team, I'd have to tickle you to death afterwards. We wouldn't want that, now would we?"

I laugh more, wiping a tea from my face. "Tickling wouldn't be that bad of a punishment. I mean, dating you is punishment enough".

"Wow", Jonathan stands up. "I'm hurt", he jokes.

I stand up with him. He wraps his arms around me so tight, it feels as if he'll never let go. I let him hug me like this.

"Never leave me", I whisper.

"I could never", he says. "You're too precious to leave".